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Tom Cruise and that cute little girl from Man on Fire and I Am Sam were driving away from Alien devastation on earth. The gigantic bridges behind them were crumbling, melting and tumbling towards them due to extremely high density shock-waves from alien ships above. The little girl was flipping out in the back of Tom's S.U.V. which you know he was driving like a badass. I mean, humongous shit was exploding all over the place, come on - he was driving that shit OUT OF THERE. You could only really get a glimpse of the spaceships - which were humongous - but the really cool shit was the car chase. It wasn't really a car chase because they were only trying to out-run devastation, not catch anybody. But anyway.
Then they had to hide out, because the aliens were invading the world. The aliens were these nasty tall muscular dudes in body armor with bad fucking attitudes and merciless killing strategies. They fucking fucked you up if the caught you! They caught Tom's wife and fucked her while Tom was watching, and then they crushed her face in their hand while raping her. The little girl was like Chill, Tom, chill!, trying to calm him down so he wouldn't go in there and box their shit in and get killed. But Tom thought of the girl and kept his cool and they survived.
It ends by Tom finding out the alien's weakness. He's got connex to some finance dudes - even though he's a special ops lieutenant - and he fucks up their entire fleet in a matter of minutes, using Annual Percentage Rate defaults! He slams their mother ship with millions of convenience checks, then when the Aliens default on their payments, he fucking slaps them with the balance transfer fees of $39.00 (if the balance of their credit is over $250.00). All the ships have a massive default chain-reaction. Why? Because they are not used to the ways of the United States of A credit card, motherfucker! Tom's like "Hey! I got something for you!" and then they look and then he rocket launches their asses with a Prime Rate plus up to 23.99%! Within eight months the humans confiscate the alien space craft and enslave their debt-ridden shits.
Date Written: February 10, 2005Comments:
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.92308
02/18/2005 Dick Vomit (4): Box their shit.
02/18/2005 Will Disney (5): i was starting to think this one wasn't going to pull it off but i'll give it a 4.5 rounded up for an enjoyable success.
02/18/2005 qualcomm (3): dumb asses
02/18/2005 Will Disney: nice to hear from you, qualcomm!
02/18/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): forgive me, forgive me.
02/18/2005 qualcomm: only you can do that.
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Far from being a puppet show put on by a crazy person, this is about a puppet show put on by a crazy person. Discuss.
02/18/2005 anonymous: I 'unno, Pony. Each of the shorts from today seems equally implausible, as if they were written by the same homo.
02/18/2005 The Rid (4):
02/18/2005 anonymous: Was there only one alien? Check that shit in tha last graf, first sentence, yo.
02/18/2005 anonymous: Yeah. An error?
02/18/2005 Jawbreaker (4):
02/18/2005 anonymous: This is SO implausible. But very enjoyable.
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony: I feel you are correct, anon_c. Why do you think that you enjoy this so much, despite its implausibility?
02/18/2005 qualcomm: probably because s/he doesn't know any better.
02/18/2005 anonymous: Well, it was really funny. The line "They fucking fucked you up if they caught you," for example, is laugh out loud funny. And there are lots of good lines like that. It is a good send up of the action and science fiction genres. But it is implausible because there is no evidence of alien life. And why would aliens travel millions of light years just to fuck up another planet? Aren't superintelligent beings supposed to be above such mayhem and violence? In theory, that is?
02/18/2005 anonymous: qualcomm, you bring out the best in people. Meanie.
02/18/2005 qualcomm: why are you anonymous?
02/18/2005 anonymous: I fear retaliation from others who disagree with me, based on the comments posted on the two guest shorts from today. And anonymity is the spiritual foundation, etc.... In short, I am a coward.
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Possibly because of that comment about superintelligent beings being above mayhem and violence?
02/18/2005 qualcomm: who retaliates for good votes given to other shorts? that is unheard of on acme.
02/18/2005 anonymous: Well, aren't the superintelligent, in theory, supposed to be superintelligent, and therefore above the violence that comes with lower inteliigence? If you can build a ship that can cross galaxies, why blow shit up? It makes no SENSE! In theory, I mean.
02/18/2005 anonymous: My guess is Anon user c is a well-disguised author.
02/18/2005 anonymous: Qualcomm, honestly! Revenge voting is very common on Acme. At least in my experience.
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Disguised by the impenetrable cloak of anonymity, or by the weird point he/she is trying to make?
02/18/2005 TheBuyer (3):
02/18/2005 Litcube (5): I'll 4.5 this. Despite some errors (again, borrowing the Qualcomism), I can appreciate the crazy way in which it was told, even though this tone's been done before. The ending was pleasantly surprising, funny, and above all, fucked right up, guys! Also, I laughed a lot.
02/18/2005 Litcube: And that precocious toddler creeps me out.
02/18/2005 anonymous: Anon user C is Scoop in disguise.
02/18/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): I was on the fence about this one. A lot of really good lines, author. However, the rape of Tom's character's wife was a rather crude deviation from the alien thriller plot line (not that I'm against shorts about rape; it's just that rape really did not seem to fit - pop thrillers are usually more lighthearted than that). Also, the last paragraph, I felt, had too much fighting terminology (slams, slaps, fucks, rocket launches, etc). It would have been funnier to describe along more intellectual or even milquetoastian lines, as might befit someone conducting cunning financial warfare. Again, I was very much on the fence, and nearly four'ed this.
02/19/2005 Phony Millions: Anon is the same dude/chick who's in AA from last week. This was good because it's in that funny tone - conversational/childlike/kind of dumb person talking - but at the same time it's actually pretty imaginative with the whole Annual Percentage Rate bit and some other details.
02/19/2005 Phony Millions (4):
02/19/2005 John Slocum (4):
02/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: [censored]voted as me below, just for the record.
02/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: That's "Snow" not "[censored]".
02/21/2005 Mr. Pony: anon_d: I think the point that qualcomm was trying to make (and, in fact, made) was that it's pretty weird to suggest that someone would drop a revenge vote on you for calling a short "enjoyable". So come out of the Dark! Also, for the record, anon_d; I'd like to point out that it's ridiculous to suggest that just because a species is smart enough to master interstellar travel, this same species is also somehow above using violence to pacify the inhabitants of a planet before enslaving and/or eating them, or commandeering their planet's vital natural rezources. Violence just works!
02/21/2005 Jon Matza (4): Enjoyed this. First graf especially loam sack.
02/21/2005 John Slocum: matza, message board.
02/21/2005 anonymous: This is anon_user_d. Pony, perhaps you are correct. I seem to recall the predator being a superintelligent being, and all he wanted to do was fuck shit up (and that was Arnold!). Of course, that's what his species did, fucked shit up. I mean, the aliens from Independence Day were violent and after our natural rezources, but I still want to believe in a world, nay, a universe, where intergallactic travel somehow equals a more peaceful species who mastered said travel.
02/21/2005 anonymous: No I am anon_user_d, ass hole. FU!
02/21/2005 anonymous: I'm withholding my vote because the Rid is wishing he withheld his.
02/21/2005 The Rid: Did I wish to withhold my vote? But I voted! Fuck me!
02/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Wish into one hand, anon_d/b, and shit into the other.
05/25/2005 The Rid: With the new half-star voting system, I'd have given this 4.5.