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You’re never going to believe this: I had a date with a woman’s pussy last weekend. Seems sweet, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? Well it wasn’t.
I met this woman with the pussy on a warm, breezy day. She was walking her schnauzer in the East Village and I said, “nice dog.” She said, “Thanks. If you like my dog, you’ll love my pussy.” I could barely believe what she had said. I said, “Huh?” She went on, “My pussy talks. I don’t know you, but I have a feeling about the two of you.”
I had no idea what to say. She beckoned to her skirt hem and I got on my knees. I don’t know why I did it, but when a woman wants to show you her pussy, I’m thinking you do what she wants. She lifted her skirt and pulled my head under; and there it was, her pussy: shaved smooth, well proportioned, firm looking, no hangy things, nice curves - real easy on the eyes. The pussy lips started moving and I heard a voice.
“Hi, my name is Her Pussy, what’s yours?”
I thought the woman was playing a joke, throwing her voice. I withdrew from under her skirt; she wasn’t laughing at me, she was looking away and involved in a heated debate on her cell phone. Strange, I thought, I should have been able to hear that. I went back under her skirt and everything went silent. A sound proof skirt?
“Are you going to tell me your name, big boy, or what?”
I said, “Umm…my name’s Big Jack, what kinda name’s Her Pussy?” She said, “Listen Big Jack, less talk; I like to be eaten. Do you like to lick pussy? Come on, lick Her Pussy.” Wow, I thought to myself, she’s a bit too fast even for this guy. I said, “I’m not comfortable with that, Her Pussy; I mean, I don’t even know you. Why don’t we meet for a drink?” She said, “Oh alright. I’ll have a drink with you. How’s Friday?”
I came out from under the skirt. The woman was still ranting and raving on the phone but she hung up when she saw me stand. “How’d it go?” she asked winking knowingly. We made arrangements for Friday and I walked home wondering what the fuck had just happened.
Friday evening came quickly and I met Her Pussy at a Japanese lounge on 32nd St. I was anxious but still psyched to be going on a date with a beautiful pussy. Her Pussy had arranged for a private corner where the woman lay on a sofa, knees up covered by a floor length skirt. I sat on a floor cushion and went under with two glasses of sake. All outside noise disappeared.
Wow! Did Her Pussy look good! There was powder base outside the pussy lips and a red bow stuck to the hairless mons, just above the clitoris. There was one single point of black mascara on the clit and a belly chain across the 'taint. Sexy.
Gushing slightly I said “Hi gorgeous.” She said, “Nice to see you again, handsome.”
I couldn’t believe how nervous I was! I really wanted Her Pussy to like me. She said, “Relax, just be yourself. What do you want to know about me?” I said, “Well, have you been eaten by both men and women?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “Are women better at it than men?” She said, “No, about the same for me.” I said, “Really? All the women I’ve known who’ve had their pussies licked by both sexes say women are better, more sensitive, know what a pussy needs.” She said, “Yah, well those are women with straight-male pussies.”
I was having some trouble with that last statement and I said, “Huh? You mean pussies have gender?” She said, “Yes, and sexual orientation." I said, “Amazing. What are you?” She said, “I’m a bisexual-male pussy. So are you going to eat Her Pussy, or what?”
I recoiled in horror, nausea filling my stomach. I said, “Date’s over, you fucking gay, faggot pussy.” I threw the skirt off and stood up. The woman put down her cell phone in surprise as I turned and ran outside, just making it through the doors before puking my dinner out on the sidewalk.
Date Written: February 16, 2005Comments:
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.8462
02/24/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Nice. I didn't even feel the length. The build up to the punch-graf was ill-sown, though. All that shit about straight-male pussies and bisexual-male pussies made my head spin, I got through those sentences by hoping for a queef/burp joke.
02/24/2005 TheBuyer (5):
02/24/2005 John Slocum: Yo'! Canada!
02/24/2005 Will Disney: i'm glad there were no hangy things! i liked this one. i personally would have liked to see the back and forth dialog broken up into paragraphs but that's just me. i'm glad this guy broke off the date - that pussy might have turned him gay. also, the maleness of that pussy explains why it was so forward with a LOSER like the narrator.
02/24/2005 qualcomm (2): i thought the whole premise was unfunny. the ultimate homo gag was good, but by then, i had already waded through a lot crap. wasn't worth it.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: would have been better if the guy just took the whole pussy thing stride, without all the "you're never gonna believe this and neither did i"-type nonsense. not necessarily good, but better.
02/24/2005 The Rid: Fantastic premise, execution so-so. Is the stright male pussy dressed in all the girly stuff - mascara, belly chain, etc. - a straight male transvestite pussy? Can't decide on three or four.
02/24/2005 anonymous: This was over 1100 words and I worked feverishly into the night to cut it back! Also, after guest IHOP short i was conscious of plausibility, hence the 'you're never gonna beieve this...' angle. Premise sucks? Maybe, but I'mma revenge-4 you on your next short, you cunt eflux-chute receptacle.
02/24/2005 Phony Millions (3): Amusing, but too long for me.
02/24/2005 anonymous: Apologies about the length everyone. Carried away.
02/24/2005 Dylan Danko (3):
02/24/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: I find this trend of lowballing longer shorts to be displeasing.
02/24/2005 Benny Maniacs (5): Thought this lil' number was a classic. Will probably mentally consult back to this tale for quite a long time. Unlike the 'comm, I found the premise to be good, made much better by being specific (sound-proof skirt) and almost viable (talking on cell-phone). For me, the last few lines took from this only slightly with the over-reaction of the guy to the male bisexual nature of Her Pussy.
02/24/2005 TheBuyer: Overreaction? He should have given that crossdressing homo pussy a fat lip for not telling him sooner
02/24/2005 The Rid (4): Author, I think the plausibilty factor doesn't enter into it here. My short was about a chick smearing honey on her vagina at an IHOP. This short is about a talking pussy. You've gone into the realm of fantasy - really! - and I think, therefore, plausibility be damned. Everything seems to fit within the construct of the parameters you've set, etc.
02/24/2005 John Slocum (4): Sake...rice wine. WINE! I wonder if it was a junmai daigingu, perhaps Divine Droplets. Or maybe Dreamy Clouds? That detail really makes the short for me.
Long but light on it's feet due to good, crisp varietal acidity. Probably a cool climate nobel varietal like riesling. Good palate complexity from beginning to end. Perhaps just a tiny bit too much fruit, grapes could have been picked a few days earlier, but acidity does a great job of giving balance. Fun and funny (a la David Matza).
02/24/2005 qualcomm: sbd -- i don't think anyone here lowballs shorts just for being long. i sure don't!
02/24/2005 anonymous: Thanks, The Rid! Wish I had thought of that on my own, but the problem is I'm a fucking dumb fuck and couldn't think of that on my own.
02/24/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: QC, Evans's comment seems to indicate otherwise.
02/24/2005 cuntry (4): i liked it. made me laugh. could've chopped it a bit tho'. 3/4
02/24/2005 Phony Millions: Streifenbeuteldachs, I didn't 'lowball' it. The length was a problem for me. I'm with Qualcomm on this one: I felt like I had to trudge through a lot of semi-amusing stuff to get to the end. The gag at the end was funny, but not pisspants funny. Lowballing would have been a one star.
02/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (3):
02/24/2005 anonymous: Clearly a revenge 3 from Jimson.
02/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: That's my MO.
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow (3): I can't relate to the narrator. Also, this would have been better at about 300 words. Also, I don't like totally shaved pussies; they're sort of boring. Overall, didn't enjoy this a lot, especially per capita. 3-.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: also, don't you like hangy things? the giblets?
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: hangy things are okay, depending on how extreme. but chains and stuff are dumb. I feel the narrator's relationship with (and taste in) pussies is no good.
02/24/2005 anonymous: Right! You can bloody well pack that in for a start, Snow.
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: Huh? What does that mean?
02/24/2005 Jon Matza (4): This four's an expression of my anger against both qc and Slocum. Last 1/2 of this was sloe plum. Enjoyed Disney's comment.
Hate to toot my own horn but I just got back from a giant employee meeting where we were told we're doing a "fabulous" job. Our department sets the industry standard in efficiency, it seems. Meanwhile, profits are up. Hell, why be modest? 4Q04 was the most profitable quarter in the company's history. Think we're going to sit back and rest on our laurels? If so, fuck you. We are setting our sights on becoming the number one investment bank globally by '08. Look out, Citigroup!
02/24/2005 qualcomm: uh?
02/24/2005 qualcomm: here's the deal author: i want you to change this thing so the guy's all no big deal over the fact that he's courting a pussy. chop it down to 350 words. then, have him rush home at the end to his wife, a heterosexual female anus belonging to a man.
02/24/2005 anonymous: believe you me, qualcomm (by the way, perhaps time for a name change?), I've been tempted to chop more out of this all day, but I'm morally opposed to altering shorts after they're posted. I will live with this as is. I chopped over 400 words, I could probably chop another 200, but I ran out of time. The new cruelty. I agree with you about the 'no big deal over the fact that he's courting a pussy' thing, just wasn't perspicacious (sp?) enough to think of it. Fuck you, Slocum.
02/24/2005 John Slocum: Snow-Diggy: Viz reference for Matza's enjoyment. The Parkie.
02/24/2005 Jon Matza: Aha!
02/24/2005 John Slocum: HaHooo!
02/24/2005 Benny Maniacs: Winnie the Poo-pooh.
02/25/2005 John Slocum: Ka-ka poo-poo.
02/25/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): Author is a real stand-up chap.
02/25/2005 qualcomm: what a fucking lowlife
02/25/2005 Mr. Joshua: No, he's a great guy.
02/25/2005 John Slocum: QC: I gave him 50% off on a wine last night. He had no choice but to 5-star this. Also, this short is a 5 star effort!!!!
02/25/2005 qualcomm: fucking lowlifes
02/25/2005 Mr. Joshua: For the record, my rating had nothing to do with the discount.
QC, you're always saying that most people on Acme don't vote (star) how they really feel, anyway. So if I happen to think Slocum's a great guy, why shouldn't I reward one of his excellent shorts with a high rating?
Also, he not only gave me 50% off the Boucasse', but also treated me and my fellow alum to numerous other tastes, among them a lusty Barbera, a tough, but lovable Cotes du Rhone Villages, a stern, yet floral Alsatian Reisling, and a very flirty little 1997 Rioja. The man has more gentlemanship and courtliness in his pinky toe than you have in the entire fabric of your being.
02/25/2005 qualcomm: fuck, and i've been working so hard on my courtliness.
02/25/2005 Mr. Joshua: Courtliness, like grace, qc, is innate, not learned. Slo's a natural. He'd make a killing in the rackets.
02/25/2005 qualcomm: you sicken me
02/25/2005 Mr. Joshua: That's a Steve Snowism
02/25/2005 qualcomm: close. it's a matt blumism
02/25/2005 Mr. Joshua: Snow-man was fond of laying that epithet on Bergblass
02/25/2005 qualcomm: i thought blassberg himself used to say that. or at least just "sickened"
02/25/2005 Mr. Joshua: He did, but Snowdog was the source.
02/25/2005 John Slocum: It was a stern yet floral alsatian pinot gris, 2000 zind humbrecht 'clos windsbuhl.' otherwise, sharp remembery
02/25/2005 John Slocum: 'tough, but loveable.' very apt for the cotes du rhone villages (beaumes de venise).
02/25/2005 qualcomm: you're really off base on this one, matza.
02/25/2005 Jon Matza: ?
02/25/2005 qualcomm: well, first of all, was your four a corrective?
02/25/2005 Jon Matza: I was just following cuntry's vote.
02/25/2005 qualcomm: she doesn't know no better.
02/25/2005 Jon Matza: For one thing, unlike you I was amused by the narrator's happy-go-lucky, earnest, nice-guy personality & reactions. He's surprised the vag is talking to him, but hell, he's an open guy & he's gonna see what it leads to! Also thought the "homophobic" ending was good (and made possible by the (admittedly overly long) setup). In my opinion if anything needs justifying it's your two stars. Talk about a revenge vote!
02/27/2005 Daphne: It's clear to me that at least one character in this story is insane.
02/28/2005 John Slocum: Talk to me, Daphne: which one (or ones)?
03/1/2005 Klause Muppet (5):