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That dumb dot-head at the Duane Reade would not get out from in front of me. She worked there, so she should've known something about customer satisfaction. But what the fuck, it was Duane Reade.
Anyway, all I wanted was to go around her, but she swerved again and cut me off. She turned to give me a smile. I didn't smile back.
As we got on the escalator, her in front - the dumb bitch - I heard shots fired upstairs, followed by screaming. As we reached the top, some white trash asshole waved a gun and yelled at us, "Get on the floor!"
The dumb Nan-Bread-Eater started crying, "No, my family. They depend on me...no..."
The redneck cock yelled, "Fuck you, bitch!" and fired a shot. The bullet hit her right on the stupid dot of her dot-head head, which exploded all over me.
As she hit the floor, the inbred gunman-asshole pointed his asshole gun at me and pulled the trigger, but the gun didn't fire! I stepped forward and, wiping the brains and skull from my face, I picked up a tube of Aquafresh for Kids from a shelf and jammed it into the would-be-robber-asshole's eye. He screamed like a bitch and grabbed at his forehead.
See what happens when you walk too slow in front of me? You see?
Date Written: February 22, 2005Comments:
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 2.2857
03/4/2005 TheBuyer: I'm actually kind of offended, processing...processing.
03/4/2005 anonymous: TheBuyer, consider this one of those "the narrator is an asshole" shorts.
03/4/2005 TheBuyer: I think the narrator is lying to me from, 'I didn't smile back' and that's what offends me, the lying, not his racism or assoholism.
03/4/2005 anonymous: Lying how? Like, the events he describes didn't take place?
03/4/2005 TheBuyer: Like he's completely full of shit, the hero of some wish-it-had-been he's made up to impress his similarly stupid friends, especially the part where he kicks ass. If the narrator were telling me this story, he'd be drinking a pint of the cheapest lager sitting by himself at the bar. His next story would be about a car accident that was the result of someone else's stupidity and how the injury he got from punching the guy has kept him out of work; he would bum smokes.
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: I think you're right, Buyer. I'm not sure I'd call it lying, but I can't quite think of a better word for it. I feel...strangely unconvinced. Also, had the woman gotten out of the way, the narrator would likely be the dead one, so the narrator's a bit of a dummy, no? That's kind of funny, when done right. What do you ladies and gentlemen think?
03/4/2005 anonymous: Well, I'll tell you how I imagined it: The narrator internalizes everything and makes the simple act of walking through a pharmacy a plot against him, and the plot against him results in the plotter's death. As for putting a tube of Aquafresh through the shooter's eye, yeah, that happened, too. What he doesn't realize is that, had he actually gone around the Duane Reade employee and gotten in front of her, he'd be dead.
03/4/2005 anonymous: Pony, I didn't see your comments! Yes, the narrator would have indeed died.
03/4/2005 TheBuyer: Right, and like Mr. Pony said if that's done right it's funny. Somebody else should have relayed this story, the narrator ruined it because he's not a convincing storyteller.
03/4/2005 TheBuyer (2): and so.
03/4/2005 Litcube: "He would bum smokes". That whole thing was awesome.
03/4/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (2): Didn't resonate. The narrating rings false in a not-so-believable way. The dot-head and Nan-Bread-Eater comments were clearly intended to be talking points of the short, but not so very high they were.
03/4/2005 Dick Vomit (1): The borrow a phrase: frrrnnnt!
03/4/2005 Mr. Positive: Wow! This is one hateful short! Author, cant you write something about kittens or puppies or something else thats fluffy?
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: Look at me! I'm a horse! clop clop clop clop neigh! neigh! (you jerk)
03/4/2005 Litcube: I'm going to go back into the records and try to pinpoint the day you became Mr. Dark Pony.
03/4/2005 deliciousbrains (3): At the risk of alienating myself in the early days of my Acme membership, I liked this short. I guess I have a soft spot for irony and asshole narrators.
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: You're right, Lit; that was mean. I'm sorry, Mr. Positive.
03/4/2005 Mr. Positive: No problem, Mr. Pony! You're A-OK in my book!
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: Did I just get out-Ponied?
03/4/2005 TheBuyer: Kind of. Are you an orphan?
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: If I was a wrestler, my signature move would probably be called the Pony Express, and it would probably involve pinching of some sort.
03/4/2005 Litcube: Not lately, it wouldn't. Perhaps The Neutral Good Pony we've all come to love would have. But now? Your Demon Pony Skull Crusher Pile Driver strikes fear into any who step in that ring.
03/4/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I like the fact that the narrator broke down walking through Duane Reade and getting stuck behind someone else. I've done the same and have felt the emotions called anger and impatience. And becuase of this woman's annoying ploy to piss this guy off-she got offed.
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: How did you know the regular me was Neutral Good?
03/4/2005 Mr. Negative: Fuck this short and fuck all of you.
03/4/2005 Klause Muppet (2):
03/4/2005 Litcube: The regular you?
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: I'm ashamed.
03/4/2005 Dylan Danko: Pony, please remember that your signature move involves a whiffle ball bat. Thank you.
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony: I am bad! Bad Pony! Bad! ooooooo hoo hoo hoo! What have I become?
03/4/2005 anonymous: Whiffle ball bat takes frisbee. Check.
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony (2): Author, I apologize for all the noise. That said, I felt the anger in this was kind of phony, with swear words randomly inserted into the regular flow of text so as to prove how angry the speaker was. TheBuyer's description of this guy rang true to me, and that sort of setup could have been funny, if it didn't feel so unintentional and unaddressed. I'm embarrassed for the narrator, but I feel like I'm supposed to be respecting him for being so mad or something. +0.5 for "...dot of her dot-head head...", a phrase I seem to respect for its logic alone.