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I quit my job the day I won the lotto. I know that playing the lotto is about as mathematically stupid as rounding down from five, but I do it anyway - not rounding down, that's asinine, I play the lotto. I like to buy my ticket on my lunch break and stare at a book daydreaming about what I will do when (never 'if', always 'when') I win. When it finally happened, I had a plan. Better than that I had time to execute it because they show the winning number on the television the night before. Showing the number the night before really gives a person a long, sleepless night to prepare themselves for their new life as a lotto winner; I spent mine baking a big smelly turd into a black-forest cake.
In the morning I went to my job for the last time and I put the cake with a turd baked into it in the middle of the table in the lunch room and set out plastic forks and paper plates and small napkins. I passed out party hats to the people in their cubicles and shook everyone's hand and told them the good news - not about the turd, I told them about the lotto, why would I tell them about the turd?
I told my boss that I didn't work for him anymore and could he please mail me my last paycheque. No, I didn't punch him or pee on his desk like in the movies, I didn't really do anything except the cake thing. You see, when you win the lotto all the bitterness in a person turns into sweet, relaxing honey-shades of peace that flows through you like sunshine, so there isn't any punching or peeing - I don't think of the cake as an act of meanness, more like an act of surprise. It was a surprise that is like a delightfully backwards party where the normally shy host jumps out from behind a marischino cherry and yells, "It is YOU who are surprised!" except in the form of a forkfull of my shit. I figured I'd get one, maybe two people at the most to eat my shit before word got out, but that was good enough.
Anyway, I left the office and went to cash my ticket at the gas station and collect my prize and start spending a tax-free eleven dollars! The spending spree was short, I blew the whole eleven dollars on pork chops. I told the lady at the bucher about how I won my pork-chop money playing the lotto as she carefully packed four beautiful centre cut butterfly chops in brown paper and weighed the packet. When I finished my story she said, 'easy come, easy go' - those are words to live by...easy come, easy go indeed.
Date Written: March 03, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 3
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: No comments on this yet?? Must be Monday.
03/14/2005 qualcomm (3): this is cute. but it's also trying to be cute. here's your cute rating.
03/14/2005 anonymous: It will be less cute tomorrow when it's published.
03/14/2005 The Rid (2):
03/14/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (2): Didn't feel this one. Narrator too witty for someone who daydreams about winning lotto. Failed to see humor in feeding one's bowel movement to one's coworkers. Perhaps jaded by other shorts.
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Streifen, do you really not see anything funny about making co-workers eat your feces?
03/14/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: Told in the right way I suppose I'd see the humor, but smelling, eating and spreading bodily excretions is such standard Acme fare that the author really has to make it stand out.
03/14/2005 anonymous: Everything apart from the poocake is true, by the way, it is a shame that I can't bake.
03/14/2005 Litcube (3):
03/14/2005 Mr. Joshua: As has already been noted in these pages, the great Alan Bergblass once jerked off into the seafood salad of a particularly annoying customer at the West Hartford Baumwald's.
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Mr. J, talk to me about Hunter's Point.
03/14/2005 qualcomm: yeah, mr. j, have a conversation with danko right here that has nothing whatsoever to do with the short. after all, we're all terribly interested in what you have to say about hunter's point, and even more so, how dylan will respond.
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Yeah, I was wondering if I should bait you directly but i figured this would work just as well. My day just got a whole lot better!
03/14/2005 Will Disney: paycheque?
03/14/2005 TheBuyer: centre?
03/14/2005 qualcomm: oh, oh, i didn't mean what i said either. i was just teasing, too. everything you say is just a reaction to what i say, all carefully puppetmastered seven years ago by me.
03/14/2005 Ewan Snow (3): 3-
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: But why do you piss yourself off so much? It can't be healthy.
03/14/2005 qualcomm: you're talking to me about health?
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: well, i'd rather talk about Hunter's Point.
03/14/2005 qualcomm: i'm sure you would
03/14/2005 Mr. Pony: Aw, man, qualcomm's doing it here, too?
03/14/2005 qualcomm: shut up, you goofy cunt
03/14/2005 Mr. Joshua: D-Dog: I've always been a fan of Hunter's Point....don't know if there's a lot of room for the little guy to muscle on in though.....seems to be large scale development. Maybe the Lynch-dog knows better. But hey, 1 stop to Grand Central? You'll get no argument from the J-Dog on that. If you don't mind being that much further from the hipsters with their trust funds in G'Point, why not go further out on the 7 to Sunnyside or Jax Heights?
03/14/2005 anonymous: Danko, you secretly love this, and me, why are you so scared to vote? Here guy, have some cake.
03/14/2005 Jon Matza (2): Whoops a daisy.
03/14/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (2):
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko (3): I thought i had voted. I don't have to tell you what your shit tastes like, right?
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: J. what about Ridgewood? Lunch raves about it but I'm not so sure.
03/14/2005 anonymous: no it's not a mystery, it tastes like shit.
03/14/2005 Jawbreaker (3): I would love to feed a shit-filled cake to some of my co-workers. I am thinking of one in particular right now.
03/15/2005 Phony Millions (4): Highly underated with the spree of twos! The conversational tone is not 'trying to be cute' for me - it's authentic and the whole thing reads easily and puts a smile on my face.
03/15/2005 John Slocum (3):
03/15/2005 Mr. Joshua: Ridgewood, NJ??
03/15/2005 Cyrus (4): funny. not pretentious.
03/15/2005 Dylan Danko: Queens, sir, Queens!
03/30/2005 Yahzick (5): I'm cute and stupid. That's why I loved this and it gets a five.