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I got issues. I'll be straight with you. And seriously, if your headline is "If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain," don't write me. I don't like pina coladas and I sure as shit don't like getting caught in the rain.

I'm looking for a partner in crime. For real. If you don't know how to bust open a safe or crack a security guard in the head without making a sound, move on.

Physical chemistry is a must, because after a good heist there's always room for celebration fucking. Just don't be one of those dumb cunts who gets turned-on on the job. That can be detrimental to the work. In fact, it's how I got sent upstate last time. But whatever. I can tell you that story over stone crab some night.

Enough about me. What about you? The pina colada thing, I wasn't kidding. But I'm open to most any type of broad. Black, white, tall, fat, skinny, whatever. Just read the above criteria and don't waste my time with the cutesy-poo shit. Must like anal beads.

MAILBOX NUMBER: 3442512

Date Written: March 05, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 4

Comments:
03/15/2005 TheBuyer: close your html
03/15/2005 John Slocum: turgid?
03/15/2005 John Slocum: turgid?
03/15/2005 John Slocum: Turgid? Turgid? Turgid?
03/15/2005 John Slocum: Turgid? Turgid? Turgid?
03/15/2005 Will Disney: how did you coordinate with the author short today?
03/15/2005 qualcomm: execution more lustrous than authorial counterpart. at least a three, therefore. will ponder.
03/15/2005 anonymous: Not Turgid. Frankly, Slocum, I'm offended.
03/15/2005 anonymous: Ah, I'm not really offended.
03/15/2005 John Slocum: There was only supposed to be one 'Turgid?', but seeing the accidental duplicate, I decided to really push it over the top.
03/15/2005 John Slocum (4): Very funny, good, easy read. consistent voice. Anal beads at end gives a good finality. Nice work. Litcube? Canadian?
03/15/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Three-five, in this old soldier's opinion. A thought: While the home page personal suffers a little from the structure (email address, "it's not okay...", etc.) this one might benefit from a little more. A more likely explanation for that thought is that I'm wrong, on both counts, though. If I had to BetVite on this short, I'd guess Streifenbeuteldachs. (Note to Disney: "BetVite" makes a poor...what do you call that thing--where a product becomes a verb due to its large market share? Xerox? Photoshop? Google? Or maybe I'm using it wrong?)
03/15/2005 John Slocum: washingtonian? Oregonian?
03/15/2005 anonymous: Hoosier? Cheesehead? Buckeye?
03/15/2005 Jawbreaker (5): The last line is definitly my favorite.
03/15/2005 Litcube: I'd call Streifen on this too. Pretty good. 3 - 4, Not sure yet.
03/15/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs:
03/15/2005 John Slocum: streifen? streifen? streifen? streifen?
03/15/2005 Klause Muppet (4): Enjoyed it. Liked the ending.
03/15/2005 qualcomm: solid three. three point four.
03/15/2005 TheBuyer (3): I'm'a take middle ground. Pony three, nothing bumped me out of my middleness in either direction.
03/15/2005 qualcomm (3): oops
03/15/2005 Mr. Negative: This guy sounds like a real asshole. I like him.
03/15/2005 Blister Buddy (3): This was funny enough. A three in a 'good' way.
03/15/2005 Blister Buddy: I seem to have clicked the controversy link on accident. I am sorry, and hope for swift and painless justice.
03/15/2005 Mr. Positive (5): Lovely, if graphic!
03/15/2005 anonymous: Why is Mr. Positive voting for his own short? Or the short of his alter-ego?
03/15/2005 Mr. Pony: Mr. Positive has an alter-ego?
03/15/2005 anonymous: Are you, anon_a, suggesting that I am either Mr. Positive or Mr. Negative? Shame on you, sir, for I am neither. Unmask yourself!
03/15/2005 Mr. Pony: Yeah, anon_a. If it were Mr. Negative, the short would have been all, like, "Grr, grrrrrr, I hate everything! Grrr, you're a cunt! F.U.! I am negative!" and a short by Mr. Positive would be all "Hi, there, I'm looking on the bright side of things! Things are nice! I like being positive!" I mean, not to pigeonhole those two or anything. Not to put them into some kind of restrictive box, or over-generalize their behavior, or otherwise put a single limit on their forevers.
03/15/2005 Mr. Negative: Yeah. Fuck you, anon_a. And Mr. Pony, grr, grrrrrr, I hate everything! Grrr, you're a cunt! F.U.! I am negative!
03/15/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, man, it's your dime.
03/15/2005 Partytime (4):
03/16/2005 John Slocum: New Yorker?
03/16/2005 Litcube: Nicely done, Rid.
03/16/2005 The Rid: Thanks, 'Cube.
03/16/2005 Litcube (4):
03/16/2005 The Rid: Yes, Slocum, I am a New Yorker.
03/16/2005 Alfred P. Whitaker: Have you ever busted open a safe or cracked a security guard in the head without making a sound in New York?
03/16/2005 The Rid: Me, personally? No. This short is fiction and the narrator is different from the author.
03/16/2005 Alfred P. Whitaker: Oh. I haven't either. At least not the safe part. Not the security guard part either, at least not as far as you know. Okay?
03/16/2005 The Rid: Not as far as I know, true.
03/16/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, Whitaker. Not bad, Rid.
03/16/2005 The Rid: Thanks, Pony.
03/19/2005 Phony Millions (5): Yeah - say that, Rid. This was fucking funny.