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Santa Cruz Retard Found At Fault


A potentially-30-year-old mentally retarded Santa Cruz man was posthumously found at fault for a multi-vehicle accident that occurred last month. The highly retarded man, Gerry "Tardy" Dowski, had an history of mental retardation and had previously been sited for public defecation and jaywalking. Outside the coutroom, an ironic rain plummeted to earth, while inside, Dowski’s stepmother, LaDonnia Freeman was found in contempt of court for uncontrolled crying and had to be removed from the court room by sheriff’s deputies. The guilty dead man’s half-brother, Chung Lee Feldstein-O’Toole said, “Tardy was a hell of a tard. When we were kids he’d eat my casserole. The whole neighborhood loved him. He blew all the guys in exchange for fries. But nothing was gay about it 'cause he was a retard. And, he’d beat losers up for us because he wouldn’t get in trouble for it. Basically he was a regular kid with a tard’s brain and body.”

Dowski was found at fault for rolling trash receptacles into several fog-shrouded roads on the UCSC campus. According to one witness, “He was monkey jumpin’,” which is apparently slang for an activity the retarded man was engaged in. Another witness to the fatal occurrence, Sue “Shasta Suncrest” Jones, an attractive UCSC sophomore, said, “Ya know our campus is like, frat-free so we’re so like not accustomed to this kind of harshout. Everyone’s all like, poor, poor retarded-type dude. To see someone buy it like a banana slug…knarly. He was so a fruit roll-up on the beach after they peeled him off that bus tire. Seriously an anti-stoke all around.”

Under California law retarded people under the age of 30 are not responsible for their actions. Dowski was to have turned 30 the day after the accident. The public interest group, Defenders of the Incompetent, is investigating and has asserted that the coroner's office extended the time of death to 12:15 the next morning so that Tardowski could posthumously be tried as a competent retard. The group's president, Dr. Clark Carlson, was quoted as saying,"...there's no way a human being--retarded or otherwise--who was a virtual omelette at 7pm could survive for five additional hours." "Not true!" counters District Attorney Jack "Hyena" Rodriguez, adding that as a precautionary measure Retardowski was in the process of being cryogenically frozen within two hours of the accident and that, "Only when the freezing process was stopped a few hours later did his existence situation become confirmable." Rodriguez referred to the icy practice as "becoming routine" and lamented the “unhappy circumstances for this time of year,” but nevertheless stressed the “need for consistency in enforcement of law, regardless of perceived illogic,” and “adoption of radio-monitored bracelets for persons of any diversity afflicted with mental incongruities.”

Date Written: March 16, 2005
Author: Partytime
Average Vote: 3.625

Comments:
03/24/2005 Will Disney (5): bravo. i think the first two paragraphs on their own merit five stars for the bold and insane style they represent. 4.5 stars.
03/24/2005 The Rid (2): The only thing that raises this short above a one is the line, "Seriously an anti-stoke all around." Otherwise it's like a bad parody of a bad Onion parody.
03/24/2005 qualcomm (3): this is a mix of good jokes and bad jokes. therefore. neutralisis.
03/24/2005 Partytime: Rid, that's a good parody of a bad comment. But your Onion point is right on. I was a reader from 88-92 back at MAD U. So this is like a derivative homage piece.
03/24/2005 TheBuyer: "Basically he was a regular kid with a tard’s brain and body" is a killer(!) line, but sweet jesus, what the fuck? seriously, the fuck, what?
03/24/2005 Klause Muppet (4): Actually, it's People with Developmental Disabilities.
03/24/2005 TheBuyer: eat my casserole, Klause. I don't know what I mean by that, but if you're hungry then you're welcome to it.
03/24/2005 Litcube (3): 3.44. I think you could shed some fat here. There's some choice parts (2nd par.) and funny premise, but for whatever reason it sounds like there's needless rambling going on (fluff, say).
03/24/2005 TheBuyer: to borrow/steal a scoopism, you buried your lede.
03/24/2005 Front (4): a little bulky, agreed, but retards are always fuckin' funny.
03/24/2005 Partytime: Yes Litcube, this is a pile of fluff. But I can't resist wanting to hear myself blather anymore than I can resist the one drink too many. So I propose that there be a 300 word guest limit to reign in us undisciplined hacks. And that's a serious comment.
03/24/2005 Litcube: So, [I3:0-0.365]?
03/24/2005 Partytime: yeah, like pretty straight-up on the IDex
03/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Hey, Party, that was proposed ages ago. You can't take credit for that. But I second your redundant proposal.
03/24/2005 Mr. Pony: What is that?
03/24/2005 Mr. Pony: And isn't that already implemented?
03/24/2005 Mr. Pony: (with a 500 word limit, I mean)
03/24/2005 Partytime: Look here Jimson. I take credit for anything I fucking want. And you can take that home to your chocolate cowboy. Oh, and I re-redund my proposal.
03/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Oh, yeah. That was the limit. I thought Matza had suggested making it shorter, but he just suggested that the first short be 200 words or fewer.
03/24/2005 Partytime: Pony, 500 words of something lame is hard to trudge through. I mean its true that I lack self-control so I want to take away everyone's priviledges, but still, I demand a 300 word limit.
03/24/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, I's just repeating what I heard, but you might be right. For the first short, at least. Some long stuff can be worthwhile!
03/24/2005 Klause Muppet: Your casserole smells like tuna
03/24/2005 Litcube: Klause, what's gotten into you lately? Was that comment really necessary? Relax, guy.
03/24/2005 Jon Matza (4): Couldn't help enjoying this thanks to the cheerfully stupid tone.
03/25/2005 Klause Muppet: Litcube, it's just tuna. C'mom guy, relax.
03/25/2005 Mr. Pony: And it could very well be a tuna casserole! That would explain everything!
03/25/2005 Klause Muppet: Touché Senior Pony.
03/25/2005 Mr. Pony: Via con atún!
03/25/2005 Klause Muppet: Blah blah blah to you too!
03/25/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, you started it, foreigny.
03/25/2005 Klause Muppet: My apologies. Let's make love.
03/25/2005 Mr. Pony: Oh my goodness!
03/30/2005 John Slocum (4): everyfuckingbody is on tannic acid. 3.5