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Davis needed a mentor. The first time he went undercover, I walked into the men's room and saw him there like the true rookie he was, leg up on the sink, razor at the ready, ass slathered in shaving cream.

"Christ, Davis," I said. "Don't they teach you Turks at the academy?" I put my hands on my hips and gave him a disapproving look. I could tell he felt stupid, ass in the air, balls swingin' low. He'd even forgotten to slide the indicator to "M." Any broad coulda walked in.

"What's wrong?" he asked. There was such a trembling tenor in his voice that I took pity on the poor bastard. I walked to the dispenser, got some towels and started wiping down his ass for him.

"I know it's an undercover gig. And I know you wanna stick that mic in your ass cheeks, but let me tell you: Don't shave it--"

"But what about pulling--"

"Goddammit, rookie! They say nothing bleeds like a head wound! Motherfucker who said that ain't never shaved his ass! You know how much you bleed after an accidental rimectomy?"

Davis shook his head.

"I seen motherfuckers bleed out. Good men who thought an ass wound ain't shit. Found out the hard way."

I finished wiping him down and tossed the towels into the basket by the sink. Three-pointer. I took a good long look at his poop chute; clean.

"Here. Take the mic and shove it up your hole. Tape the exit and that's that. Pulling the tape off after hurts like hell, but at least you're not sitting there with a drawer full of Band-Aids that don't contain shit."

He picked up the mic from the seat next to him and gave it a hard look. Little pisser was almost choked up. "Do I really have to shove--"

"If you wanna make this squad, better get used to all kindsa shit up there. See you in the car, rookie." I gave him a wink, tipped my hat and left the john. Made sure to slide the indicator to "M," too.

My name's Frank Wallace. I'm a detective.

Date Written: March 24, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 3.2857

Comments:
03/31/2005 Mr. Critic: Whew! How big is that mic?
03/31/2005 Jawbreaker (4): Frank Wallace showed him the way... the way to his poop chute!
03/31/2005 Klause Muppet: I wish Frank Wallace was there for me.
03/31/2005 The Rid: I wish he were there for me, too.
03/31/2005 Klause Muppet (3):
03/31/2005 Will Disney: I think it's fair to say this is well-trodden Acme territory. I mean, we all recycle, but I think this one could've used just a bit more oomph.
03/31/2005 TheBuyer (3): Yup. Excellent use of the word 'kindsa'.
03/31/2005 anonymous: There are shorts about shoving a mic up your ass? Note: Disney, this doesn't mean I disagree.
03/31/2005 Will Disney: Well, there's certainly a leitmotif of people matter-of-factly putting things up their or other people's asses. I'll have to look around for some references...
03/31/2005 Partytime: GG Allin liked to stick the mic up his ass, and bleed and shit and piss on stage for that matter. yep
03/31/2005 TheBuyer: He's got some of the greatest trainwrecks on stage in the history of both rock and roll.
03/31/2005 Front: Ha!
04/1/2005 Litcube: A 4 and two 3's. How is that a 2.5 average?
04/1/2005 Will Disney: yeah that's weird. it looks like it registered a '0' vote from my comment earlier. wonder if that's a new bug or some crazy fluke...
04/1/2005 Will Disney (3):
04/1/2005 Will Disney: that was creepy
04/1/2005 Litcube: The Rid's gettn' ripped off lately!
04/1/2005 TheBuyer: Ya, my three was supposed to be a four, pilot error. I owe you one.
04/1/2005 The Rid: Yeah, Disney, my short "She was always smarter than I was, so I came clean" still says the cumulative avg. is 2.4, but it actually averages to 3. Help?
04/1/2005 Mr. Pony (3): I think the joke of someone putting something in their butt is fine, and can be mined some more (ha ha). I thought this was not bad, but something about Frank's inconsistent tone kinda makes it hard to figure out which tough-as-nails stereotype the author going for. Also, (and perhaps this comment will draw the criticism that this is a work of fiction, but still) it would have been nice if some sort of believable reason (or better, ridiculous reasoning) why the microphone had to be in his butt had been spelled out or even alluded to (and perhaps that is the joke, that there is no reason, but at that point in the conversation between the short and me, I'm thinking that it's just to better conceal it, which drags the whole situation down a rung). 3.4, I say.
04/1/2005 The Rid: Pony, the mic goes in his ass for no other reason than going in his ass. But you're right about Frank's tone. He talks like a tough-as-nails cop but his head-voice is borderline eloquent. It doesn't really work but I ran out of time to change it. I wanted to strike a balance between streetsmart and wise, and I didn't quite pull it off. Incidentally, Frank's speaking voice was inspired by Frankie Faison in "Coming to America."
04/1/2005 deliciousbrains (4): "If you wanna make this squad, better get used to all kindsa shit up there. See you in the car, rookie." Also; use of the term "ass-wound".
04/1/2005 Litcube (3): Bloop.