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Garrett has a problem and the problem is speaking aloud whatever comes into his mind. Garrett has no internal monologue, see. That's the problem. Whatever is thought is said, and it's gotten him into trouble on more than one occasion. That's for sure.
So as the subway doors clunked open and some of the passengers shuffled out onto the platform, thus freeing up some space, Garrett thought he might ease over a bit and grab the vertical pole that ran from floor to ceiling rather than continuing to reach over the shoulder of this other fellow, here. Only, there was a rather stout African American leaning all over the vertical pole now, sort of gripping the pole with his back muscles, like, and so Garrett thought, "Jesus, you Herculean spade, think you can make some room for the White Man?"
Moments later, coming to on the platform, Garrett could hazily recognize three men standing over him, having quite a time at his expense.
"Shit, nigga! You see that bitch fly out those doors?" one of the men was saying. "You flew out those fuckin' doors, bitch!" he was now saying into Garrett's face. "Ha ha ha. Ain't choo dead, son?! Flyin' motherfuckin crackas, son. That was some funny motherfuckin shit right there, son. F'rill!! You was one ragdoll looking motherfucker when you come off that train, BITCH!" The other two just laughed and grabbed "they" dicks and performed the enormous negro pantomime indicating bemusement, the falling away from the scene of hilarity, the doubling over and the waving of hands...
"Yes, ha ha indeed," said Garrett as he struggled to one knee. "Ha. Ha. And so," he said, addressing the talker, "since you are the loudest and have the greatest assortment of baseball logos on your denim outfit, am I right in assuming that you are the leader of these other two faggots?"
Date Written: March 27, 2005Comments:
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 3.4545
04/6/2005 Partytime (4):
04/6/2005 Will Disney (4): author, while this short has at least two very good laughs, don't you think you should be more emotionally ssensitive to America's socio-economic and race issues?
04/6/2005 Templeton Dink (4):
04/6/2005 anonymous: I should be, yes.
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow (3): The premise of a character who speaks his mind is good (and has been from Moliere's "Misanthrope" through qualcom's "One peanut butter and salt sandwich"), but this short didnít take it anywhere fresh or interesting. Also, graf four is a mistake. It should have been much shorter. As is, it diffuses/defuses the joke. I was just waiting for Garrett to say something else insulting, and the payoff was exactly what I expected. I didn't crack a smile so this is a low three for me.
04/6/2005 Dylan Danko: Moliere What a fucking cunt you are.
04/6/2005 Dylan Danko: Except with a period after the Moliere. And maybe cunt in caps.
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Mulp.
04/6/2005 anonymous: FU
04/6/2005 anonymous: Actually, Danko, you should back off a little, because, as I sat down to pound out this short, I was thinking..."Moliere...Moliere...Moliere..."
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: To be clear, I can't stand Moliere. I'd give The Misanthrope two stars, probably. I'm just saying it's an old premise, and held no surprises for me. Just look at qualcomm's short and compare. It isn't even close. Author, I humbly accept your FU, but I just didn't crack a smile at this one.
04/6/2005 anonymous: S'ok.
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Author, you're joking, right?
04/6/2005 Dylan Danko: No you weren't.
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: (about Moliere)
04/6/2005 Dylan Danko: In response to author's Moliere comment. But Ewan, what about Tartuffe????
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: What about it?
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Fucking Moliere. God, I hate that fuck. I hate his name, even.
04/6/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Huh. That's funny because Moliere really pumps my nads.
04/6/2005 John Slocum: Jimson, you have nads?
04/6/2005 John Slocum: Did garrett say aloud: "I think I might ease over a bit and grab the vertical pole that ran from floor to ceiling rather than continuing to reach over the shoulder of this other fellow, here." Or was that internal monologue? But Garrett has no internal monologue!!!??!! I feel gypped.
04/6/2005 qualcomm: that's funny, snow: when i read this, i thought it was ripping off one peanut butter and salt sandwich, but for a different reason than the misanthropy. in both shorts, there's a jump cut between someone insulting someone else and the post-violence aftermath. yes, i invented that.
04/6/2005 anonymous: Can we all shut up about how qualcomm's crap is always better than everything else's on this god damned website for once? Jesus H. Boner Fucking Cock.
04/6/2005 anonymous: Even if, as in this case, that's obviously true?
04/6/2005 anonymous: Nyeah.
04/6/2005 anonymous: Thaaanks.
04/6/2005 John Slocum: Author, please settle down.
04/6/2005 anonymous: Sir, that outburst was at least 26 minutes, 2 seconds ago.
04/6/2005 John Slocum: I SAID SETTLE DOWN!
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Author: ok. Qualcomm: yes, I noticed that, but didn't specify it. If I had gone that route then I couldnít have fit in the Moliere mention, thereby gratifying my stale arrogance and giving Jimson an opportunity to make a Breakfast Club reference.
04/6/2005 TheBuyer (4): Had a good laugh at the last graph.
04/6/2005 TheBuyer: Hey! I'm a poet and I didn't even know that fact.
04/6/2005 John Slocum: TheBuyer: would have been better as: 'Had a good laugh at THAT last graph.' That way you get the 'a' sounds in 'laugh' 'at' 'that' 'last' and 'graph' all to line up in rhyming convergence. Plus the rhythm's better. Nice try though.
04/6/2005 TheBuyer: See, that's the beauty of it, I wasn't trying, it was like Jehova himself reached down from heaven and paused my grotesque learning disability!
04/6/2005 The Rid: It seems as if the narrator is Garrett's non-existant internal monologue. How else can you explain the self awareness in the this sentence by the narrator: "The other two just laughed and grabbed 'they' dicks and performed the enormous negro pantomime indicating bemusement, the falling away from the scene of hilarity, the doubling over and the waving of hands..." Is this an oversight? A dramatic device I don't get? Is the narrator a sympathizer to Garrett's blatant racism? And if Garrett is aware that his internal monologue is indeed external, wouldn't the comedy be more comedic if the short were about what Garrett almost says and situations he often times has to talk himself out of? I didn't read any of the previous comments, so if anyone brought this stuff up already, sorry.
04/6/2005 qualcomm: garrett's a racist? "urban" youth don't grab they dicks and fall away from a scene of hilarity?
04/6/2005 Klause Muppet: Good point Slocum!
04/6/2005 Litcube (4): I enjoyed the writing here, and some decent (almost) laughs. Upon first read, I didn't catch any of the idiosyncrasies that The Ridster spotted, but I'm not sure those criticisms are integral to the shorts success.
04/6/2005 The Rid: It's easier to write "racist" than "the often correct stereotype that many male African-American youths grab their crotches and laugh way too loudly for it to actually be natural, all the while barely being able to hold themselves upright as they rock back and forth, their bodies shuddering with the force of said hilarity." That better?
04/6/2005 The Rid: And I still the short's funny. I'm just sayin'.
04/6/2005 The Rid: Still *think* the short's funny.
04/6/2005 Jon Matza (3): This hinges on the same non-Koolaid premise of "Liar, Liar", or "Meet the Fockers"'s truthtelling serum, etc (hey--imagine what'd happen if some guy blurted out the real truth!) Awkward white stiff contrasted with jive-talking homeys gag not too squelmtious (groundbreaking) either.
04/6/2005 anonymous: this sucks. yesterday's short was better and has a lower average. that's classic unfairness.
04/6/2005 anonymous: Anon_user_a is a gigantic nerd forever trapped in the whelping box of his own something or other!
04/6/2005 anonymous: Additionally! Who dares cite "fairness" on Acme?
04/6/2005 anonymous: author, your comments are classic unfairness too. this whole cite is rotten to the core, and youre the worm! are you questioning my integrity?
04/6/2005 anonymous: Nope. Just grunting publicly as I mouth your mother's tender privates!
04/6/2005 Mr. Pony: I hope you voted on both shorts, anon_a. I hope you commented on both thoughtfully and reasonably, in hopes that the community would hear what you have to say and perhaps be swayed to your point of view. I hope you read the other comments, and challenged them where you thought they were wrong, or misguided, offering ideas to counter those you though to be incorrect. If you did all this, then you did all you could; you did your job, and you should sleep the sleep of the just. This extra step is unnecessary.
04/6/2005 anonymous: so that's where she got aids! hope you at least are dooing a better job on her privates than you did on this short. maybe your tongue movements are original for example.
04/6/2005 anonymous: how does it feel to hope, pony?
04/6/2005 Mr. Pony: Feel?
04/6/2005 anonymous: anon yer stoopid dood sereis
04/6/2005 anonymous: Anon_a is either the dumbest fuck on the "cite" in a long time, or he's just baiting the author. Or maybe both.
04/6/2005 anonymous: The record reflects that this author is/was not baited.
04/6/2005 anonymous: No it doesn't.
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Actually, it sort of does, anon_b.
04/6/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
04/6/2005 Dick Vomit (5): BLAU!
04/6/2005 The Rid (3):
04/6/2005 anonymous: Rid, you're fucking dead! After school, parking lot. I'm going to scrub the pavement with your goofy beaveresque choppers, punk.
04/6/2005 The Rid: Kewl. I'm bringing Matza and Snow with me.
04/6/2005 scoop (2):
04/6/2005 The Rid: And scoop, apparently!
04/6/2005 anonymous: scoop's my boy, bitch! and them other two are going to howl with laughter as I gouge little dental trenches in the asphalt with your chewing bones!!!!!!!!!!
04/6/2005 anonymous: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: I know I will. Kick his ass, author!
04/6/2005 The Rid: Whatever. Bring it, bitch!
04/6/2005 anonymous: Seriously, though? Dudes? I kinda rushed this. I sorries.
04/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Okay, okay, everyone settle down. Here at acme we settle our disputes with (metaphorical) vitriol and bile, not (physical) violence.
04/6/2005 The Rid: I got carried away. Apologies.
04/6/2005 John Slocum (3):