home authors guest shorts graphical shorts

AcmeShorts


Prior to the discovery that Graylick Dramblegumper is by far the worst human being that has ever existed in the world, he fell in love with a lovely person named Alice and convinced her to marry him. They behaved as married couples do, and soon after they were married were expecting a child. Fortunately, Mrs. Alice Dramblegumper was not a person who enjoyed reading books and did not make an exception to read her new husband's book. She instead carried on about her business preparing for a child to come, a thing in her life which she wanted very badly.

Unlike her husband, Mrs. Dramblegumper had an inside which normally matched her outside. She was a very caring and loving person with a radiant personality, a charming wit (of limited vocabulary, but charming none the less!), and was also quite beautiful; stunning actually. Her only real flaw was her lack of formal education, everything else she could either fake or cleverly muddle through.

There is a saying about clever people often not being clever enough to know when to be clever and when to keep quiet about it but this does not apply to Alice, her husband thought of her as she wanted him to think and so he assumed that she would be very useless and incomplete without him. In fact, with the skillful use of her already mentioned assets and some skills which you may rightly infer, Alice had always made due in the world quite nicely. Thus, when she happened to glance at an open copy of her husband's book which was sitting on a table and became so devastatingly ill from no more than one half sentences that she knew she must leave and never return, Alice knew she would be fine; and so she left.

Pregnant and penniless she set off into the wide world and away from Graylick Dramblegumper who was too busy removing the last, deadly flecks of his character from his book to notice she had even left. In fairness, the house was very large, and he was very busy, and he really did think that he loved her very much at the time, and he really did miss her at first; when he found out she was gone, of course, which was several days after the fact.

Date Written: March 28, 2005
Author: Templeton Dink
Average Vote: 4

Comments:
04/6/2005 Partytime (3): Not all that exciting to this chowda head. How 'bout an exerpt from the book already?
04/6/2005 Will Disney: I'm glad you're building on your earlier installment, guest author. What's going to happen next???
04/6/2005 anonymous: Partytime, what are you trying to do make everyone sick?
04/6/2005 TheBuyer: Alice sounds like a golddigger.
04/6/2005 anonymous: Buyer, she's not perfect by any stretch, but she's still a lovely woman. You, on the other hand, seem mentally ill in a variety of ways.
04/6/2005 Dick Vomit: What fresh hell?
04/6/2005 The Rid: Can we get some editing in here? "Nonetheless" is one word, for Christ's sake. "She was a very caring and loving person with a radiant personality, a charming wit (of limited vocabulary, but charming none the less!), and was also quite beautiful; stunning actually." NO SEMICOLON NECESSARY. Come on. What is going on with self referential thing on Acme lately, by the way?
04/6/2005 Klause Muppet (4): Punctuation is overrated. Graylick Dramblegumper for president!
04/6/2005 anonymous: Rid, none the less is an adverbial phrase, though one may consider it part of my own idiolect. For example, if I were to describe your online 'self', I might say shit for brains as opposed to shitforbrains. The semi-colon, though unnecessary, is for effect. This particular semi-colon is there to force a pause in order better reflect the candence at which I intend this humble segment to be digested.
04/6/2005 TheBuyer: is 'shit for brains' an adverbial phrase?
04/6/2005 The Rid: Nonetheless is indeed an adverb, and it is indeed one word. Why the name calling, Author? Are we starting shit? Was my previous comment too harsh? Pray tell.
04/6/2005 Mr. Pony: Rid, the author may have been responding to the definitive and commanding manner in which you insisted that a completely optional semicolon should be removed, thus making the sentence in question actually more grammatically incorrect than it was before. I could be wrong though. What do I know of men's hearts?
04/6/2005 Litcube: Everything, try!?
04/6/2005 Klause Muppet: You know well of mine, Mr. Pony. *Klause fans his face with right hand*
04/6/2005 The Rid: No, I thought the author would know that I meant he should use a comma instead of a semicolon. There I go thinking again.
04/6/2005 Klause Muppet: You know well of mine, Mr. Pony. *Klause fans his face with right hand*
04/6/2005 Klause Muppet: Why did that comment repeat itself???
04/6/2005 anonymous: ("There I go,/; thinking again.")
04/6/2005 TheBuyer: Author, I'm not going to vote on your short until the series is over because I dislike these stories less and less as time goes on. Hooray!
04/6/2005 Partytime: Mystery Author: How 'bout a description of the afflictions that the book causes? You know, barbed-wire erupting from urine soaked lesions, diarrheaing out intestines, lactation of mercury and chartreuse effluent, napalm vomit, cats clawing their way out of stomachs, and the like.
04/6/2005 anonymous: Not to worry, there's more to come.
04/7/2005 TheBuyer (4): whatever, it's getting there.
04/7/2005 Litcube: Director?
04/7/2005 TheBuyer: Nice link, Mr. "Microsoft Certified".
04/7/2005 Litcube: Oh my! I've ruined everything.
08/18/2010 Marvin_Bernstein (5): YES!