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"Try it asshole - yer goin' nowhere fast," said Slocum* as he jockeyed Jervis. Jervis had the soccer ball and was threatening to attack the goal. This was an important game. The sun was hot, the grass was green and crisp; the sod: spongy. Slocum caught a whiff of ketchup as Jervis executed a quick 'step-over' move. Slocum didn’t bite.

“Not s'fast, Jervis; real obvious,” Slocum said. He was disoriented by the ketchup smell. It was distracting from his being dominating so he tried to focus. “Whyn’t ya’ learn a new fucking move, jerk,” he said.

Jervis pulled up. They used to be teammates and friends. They used to laugh together. That was a long time ago and many bitter years intervened.

“Still mad about Jenny?” Jervis asked. He pulled the ball back, dropped his left knee and coiled like a spring. Slocum put his right foot forward, bent both knees and put his elbows out for balance.

Jervis had stolen Jenny from Slocum when they were 17. He plucked her right out of Slocum's bed while he slept. To add insult to injury Jervis squirted ketchup all over his face. They became bitter enemies.

“Fuck you,” shouted Slocum lunging for the ball. Jervis pulled the ball out of reach and sprang off his left leg, pushing the ball past him. As he stepped around he drew a bottle of ketchup from his shorts and squirted ketchup all over Slocum’s head. A second later Jervis cranked the ball past the keeper with a howitzer-like shot. 1-0.

“Enjoy the ketchup, cocksucker,” said Jervis as he trotted back upfield.


*Not John Slocum, the author. A different Slocum. Also, this wasn't written by John Slocum.

Date Written: April 02, 2005
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.5

04/12/2005 Partytime (5): 'Slocum put his right foot forward, bent both knees and put his elbows out for balance.' That's right fuckers--a subjective five stars!
04/12/2005 Ewan Snow (3): Not doin' it for me.
04/12/2005 TheBuyer (3): tuta la sphera. chi cosi? tuta la sphera.
04/12/2005 The Rid (3): First three grafs, genius. Last three, sub-genius.
04/12/2005 John Slocum (4): Partytime: do you think I wrote this? Cause I didn't. Or maybe you didn't see the asterixed not at the bottom of the short.
04/12/2005 Jon Matza (4): Citrus story, but in a real game Slocum'd've taken the ball (and the girl) off Jervis with a Syzmanski-calibre slide tackle.
04/12/2005 Mr. Pony (3): Solid Pony three.
04/12/2005 Litcube (4): I think this story has a silly ring to it (at least that's how I read it). The tone here is similar to something I'd expect if Disney were to recount Twin Peaks in his Disnyan Short voice. Liked it.
04/12/2005 Klause Muppet (3):
04/12/2005 John Slocum: 'note' not 'not'
04/12/2005 John Slocum: Where's qualcomm been. I miss that guy.
04/12/2005 Dick Vomit: You do?
04/12/2005 John Slocum: Yah, I do. There, I said it.
04/12/2005 Will Disney: He's on hiatus!
04/12/2005 John Slocum: Whadja do t'him, Disney? In addition to taking away his admin. priv.'s did you lock him in one of your many closets?
04/12/2005 Ewan Snow: I head he's working on a new short-short technique. He threw away his entire act and now he's holed up in cheap motel while he puts together his new material.
04/12/2005 Ewan Snow: *heard*
04/12/2005 TheBuyer: I heard he couldn't afford a cheap motel and he's living out of a Ford Futura under a bridge
04/12/2005 John Slocum: Qualcomm...wherever you are...your mother and father are very worried. We want you to come home so we can fuck you.
04/12/2005 Dylan Danko: You're both wrong. He's holed up in a log cabin in the Florida keys and has managed to get himself into a bit of a mess with a rich heiress and her hot daughter.
04/12/2005 Mr. Pony: What imaginations you all have. I have most of qualcomm right here with me, in my office.
04/12/2005 John Slocum: which parts *don't* you have?
04/12/2005 Litcube: So what have you done with Qualcomm, Pony? We miss him.
04/12/2005 TheBuyer: Ya, how much for a bit of qc-jerky?
04/12/2005 Will Disney: I think this short *was* written by John Slocum.
04/13/2005 John Slocum: Snow-Dawg: why isn't this 'doin' it for you?
04/13/2005 Ewan Snow: Hold on, I'll answer after bath time. Seriously, though, I'll respond in a bit...
04/14/2005 John Slocum: Okay, trust is totally gone. You're gonna have to work hard to earn my trust, buster.
04/14/2005 qualcomm (2):
04/14/2005 John Slocum: Qualcomm Cometh!!
04/18/2005 John Slocum: Snow-Dawg: I'm beginning to think that 'bath time' doesn't actually exist.
05/16/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): Slocum: The hilarity of this short is exceeded only by your erudition in matters oenophlic. And perhaps, as well, your bonhommie is stronger than this short is funny. Decency, too, come to think of it.