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Grampy, tell me about the japs again.
Well round little Billy, they were no good bastards, the japs. They’d get aholda a GI, strip him naked as the truth, peel the skin right offa his cheeks, and piss on the tenderloin. Sons a bitches them nips. They really went in for sunburnin’ a pow’s asshole but good. When I was on Mindoro, they took a young Seabee—not much older than you—and spiked him to a rock assend-up. Then they stuck a couple of them cheap tin jap bayonets in his asshole and left him in that Phillipine sun for a few hours. When he passed out from the pain, they spread oil on his hot ass and fried some eggs right there on his flapjacks with the bayonets still stickin' out of his balloon knot.
Grampy, what else did they do to guys?
Well, they’d put gunpowder right in a fella’s eyes and light it. Then they’d make him run blind through rusty cans and nails ‘til his feet were all cut to hell. Those goddamn frothing yellow-faced khans--we showed ‘em good in Nagasaki. Hell, after the bombs we went over there and dragged these scrawny nips out of the rubble and had our way with ‘em. If they yowled, we’d just rub their skin. You’ve probably never seen how skin falls right offa radiation burns, but it’s kinda like when we put paint stripper on that old rocker. Anyway, we’d shove our pee sticks in any hole we could find--we’d been in the jungles for two years you gotta remember. They were in such rough shape we couldn’t tell if we were makin’ whoopee with old men or little girls, but one thing’s for sure, them bastards got just what Uncle Sam was servin'.
Wow Grampy, was it fun?!
Was it?! Come on out to the workshop and I'll show you.
I don't know Grampy.
Come on Billy, I'll be the jap this time. Whadda ya say to your old war hero Grampy?
Yes sir, Grampy sir.
Date Written: April 03, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 4.4
04/13/2005 Will Disney: Hello guest author. I found your completely disgusting tone in the first few paragraphs to be surprisingly funny. I thought it had somewhat genuine ring to it, surprisingly also. I didn't think the molestin' bit at the end was necessary to the funny of the short. Have you read 'the wind up bird chronicles'?
04/13/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I stand with Disney on this, but I add that the "come on out to the workshop" thing seemed so tame compared to the buildup, I found it kind of funny. Pony opens with a four and a half.
04/13/2005 Mr. Pony: And it would have been nice if I had set my vote to reflect that. Someone want to add a half-star to their vote for me?
04/13/2005 Ewan Snow: Hey, Pony, based on the last time this came up, I thought there was no more disagreement on the half star thing, given a scale that still goes from 1-5. Are you okay with it working that way? Disney, you?
04/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Right, I think we agreed that was the best way to go about it. I would be pestering Disney about it, but he's doing all this other cool crap for the site and it seemed like the wrong time to bug him with new stuff. He will be bugged, though. You can count on it. Below? I simply put the wrong vote in; an unusual error of the fingertips on my part (4.5 rounding properly to 5).
04/13/2005 Ewan Snow (5): Well, considering I'd probably give this a (low) four, I'll swap votes with you. (You're welcome, author!) And thanks for responding, Pony. I got the sense you were maybe giving me the silent treatment. Sorry if I was being a pain. Now please have a talk with scoop and tell him I want to be friends!
04/13/2005 John Slocum (5): This is very funny. Nice work. Pony, tell Scoop I also want to be friends, and I miss him, jowls and all.
04/13/2005 Ewan Snow: Pony, don't listen to Slocum. Only tell scoop that I want to be friends. Thank you.
04/13/2005 Jon Matza: Pony: tell Scoop I would also like to be friends with Scoop. Also tell him I have more to offer friendship-wise, e.g., companionship, loyalty, good fellowship, reliability, good morals & breeding, and a willingness to talk humorlessly, pretentiously & at endless length about any topic under the sun.
04/13/2005 Ewan Snow: Okay, you win.
04/13/2005 TheBuyer (4): All the way up to the tool-shed was Black Black chewing gum, high powered excellent taste and flavor.
04/13/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
04/13/2005 Partytime (5): Shouldn't this have been called a purple head for Billy? Ah ha ha ha ha-yit.