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Back in high school, I had a good friend named Regis who always struck me as being a little strange. Regis had apparently moved into town from Duluth, Minnesota. I didn't know anything about Minnesota, much less Duluth, so I certainly couldn't ask him any questions to catch him in the lie we would all later find out about. In fact, Regis wasn't even human. He was an alien - but he resembled a normal person.

It's not really important for me to explain how he was finally discovered. It wasn't me, that's for sure. But I decided to look back on some journal entries I made during the beginning stages of our friendship, and the signs are right there. I'm not sure how I missed this at the time. I thought Regis was just a little different from the rest of us in Loma Linda. Turns out he was a lot different:

January 6th
Met this new kid at school today. He's a little hyper at times. I think he's trying too hard to fit in with the rest of us. He's not a jock, and I guess he's afraid someone will get to him. I don't know - he just needs to relax.

January 8th
Regis and I are heading to the movies tonight. I'm really excited to see "Red Dawn." Shit, man, there better be some violence!

January 9th
The movie was pretty damn good. But Regis kept laughing at all the wrong times. Man, it wasn't funny, Regis.

January 11th
Something pretty weird happened tonight, but I can't put my finger on it. Bill, Larry and me were all shooting the shit about the hot girls in class. Larry couldn't shut up about Brenda's boobs. "Holy crap. They're so big!" He just kept repeating this over and over. I mean, it just makes it worse when he keeps pointing it out. I've got no chance with Brenda, so why does he have to rub it in?

And then Regis chimes in: "I bet her vagina is really, really big." This stops Larry in his tracks. We all just stared. "I mean, really big." It was obvious he was trying to fit in, but we couldn't really get what he was trying to say. A big dick...sure. And who says vagina? Then he started talking about Demi Moore's and Ally Sheedy's...and Lisa's and Monica's. I don't know. Well, time for bed. More later.

Date Written: April 07, 2005
Author: Turgid
Average Vote: 4.375

04/19/2005 Turgid (4): Is that width and length?
04/19/2005 Will Disney (4): This is a wonderful little piece! So to speak!
04/19/2005 Klause Muppet (4): January 9th entry is the best!
04/19/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I can get on board with this one. It has the ring of troof.
04/19/2005 The Rid (3): This is another one of those shorts that has a great premise and peters out over the course of the short.
04/19/2005 TheBuyer (5): Ha. Good one!
04/19/2005 John Slocum (5): I really fucking loved this one. When I started reading it I felt like I could tell where it was going, and it never did. I laud the author's restraint and compliment a job well done.
04/19/2005 John Slocum: The Rid: I am renaming you are The Rong (for this short). Petered out?
04/19/2005 The Rid: What can I tell you, Slocum? Lost its zing in the final entry for me.
04/19/2005 John Slocum: What kind of a 'zing' do you expect from a journal entry? The funny thing here is the introduction of Regis as an alien is a BIG deal, seemingly setting up a huge, zingy ending, and it's just teenagers talking about tits. It's great the way first Regis laughs at the wrong times in the movie, and then talks the wrong way about tits and vaginas. That's the evidence that Regis is an alien? Hysterical.
04/20/2005 Litcube (5): Laughed on four occasions, author. Well done.
04/20/2005 John Slocum: Turgid, The Rong owes you a big apology. When I finally have the opportunity to get him drunk, I'll see to it he calls you.
04/20/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): A masterpiece. January 9 and 11 are hilarious.
04/20/2005 The Rid: Slocum, your explanation of why the last journal entry is funny is funnier than the short itself. I'm giving your next short five stars!
04/20/2005 Turgid: Not to worry, Sloc. I'll get him...in the end.
04/20/2005 Klause Muppet: You're on a roll, Turgid!
04/20/2005 The Rong: Huh?
04/20/2005 Turgid: The Rid, your momma's so fat, when she fell down, she broke her leg and gravy poured out.
04/20/2005 Klause Muppet: Where?
04/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Boy, Turgid, you weren't kidding when you said you had more to say! If I may ask, why the change in tone?
04/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Boy, Turgid, you weren't kidding when you said you had more to say! If I may ask, why the change in tone?
04/20/2005 Mr. Pony: I said, boy, Turgid, you weren't kidding when you said you had more to say! If I may ask, why the change in tone?
04/20/2005 Mr. Pony: I said, boy, Turgid, you weren't kidding when you said you had more to say! If I may ask, why the change in tone?
04/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Goddammit!
04/20/2005 TheBuyer: jesus dude, just answer the question.
04/20/2005 The Rid: Turgid, as has been pointed out to me many times, votes is votes. There's no reason to get pissy at me.
04/20/2005 Turgid: I'm not getting pissy. I'm just saying that gravy poured out. That's all I'm saying.
04/20/2005 The Rid: Turgid, that line was also funnier than your short.
04/20/2005 Turgid: Not according to the consensus.
04/20/2005 Turgid: Rid, I'm just busting chops - like the chops upon which your mother nibbles after she's dipped them in her own gravy (which spilled out of her leg).
04/20/2005 The Rid: Still funnier than your short! You should fashion a new "Yo' Mama" type of thing and post it here.
04/20/2005 TheBuyer: Chicken gravy, beef gravy, packet powder, would I eat it, what's in the other leg...so many questions.