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I sneak up the stairs cautiously (I have a habit of 'splaining in a Hitchcock-ingly way) as not to make that eerie fucking wooden squeak of the loose floor boards hoping to catch my cousin doing something retarded in Aunties computer room. Last time he was mixing Kool-Aid and corn syrup trying to create, in his words, "the perfect fucking Hollywood stuntman movie blood." Not this time. Instead he has his back to me dinking around on the gay turquoise iMac. Brilliant marketing concept Steve...not.
"Ed what the fuck are you doing?"
"If you must know cuz, I'm creating the most awesomely bad Acme short...EVER!" he says while minimizing the browser with the Oprah nudie pics (very rare I might add) and maximizing the one with Acme shorts.
"See here, I take these classic Tiny Tim lyrics off the net, then pair it up with a killer dark Black Sabbath tune, and sprinkle in some blatant female genital references and cheese ball puns. I also toss in an aborted fetus reference for good measure. It's a winning combination that all will surely hate! Hahahaha!"
"Yeah, stupid like a fox! Jealous?"
"Like a lover scorned by his two dads after a brief stint in the Salvation Army."
Date Written: May 04, 2005Comments:
Author: Dave Heiny
05/12/2005 Mr. Pony: So, author, assuming you also authored the Sabbath short, you're saying that you intended for your previous work to be received so poorly?
05/12/2005 qualcomm: there's lots to dislike here
05/12/2005 Mr. Pony: I swear to god, if this short tries to wink at me one more time, I'll kick its fucking ass.
05/12/2005 TheBuyer: I feel like someone is trying to show me a big crap they took. I don't want to see your crap! No! Flush it! No!
05/12/2005 Klause Muppet: I like the idea of a short behind a short. There's a couple of fun ideas in here and a few unnecessary ones. Overall, I'm a little icky about it. Was that your intent author?
05/12/2005 Mr. Pony: I really don't know where to begin speaking about why this makes me so mad. I'm trying to come up with an author's intention that redeems this even one fifth of the way out of horrible. I'm approaching my criticism of it in this manner because it's the apparent intention of the author that is filling my eyes with blood. Is it the same author of "OOOooooh...." using a new account, apologizing for/excusing his failure? Is it another author entirely, taking a fratty post-mortem stab at one of the easiest targets in recent memory (not to mention other delicious barbs aimed at Apple Computer's industrial design and fat girl porn)? Someone help me; this short has thrown me into despair! Matza, tell me what to do! How can I find my way out of this darkness?
05/12/2005 Mr. Pony: Matza!
05/12/2005 qualcomm: words can barely describe how much i hate "I have a habit of 'splaining in a Hitchcock-ingly way." 1) what is it an explanation of? 2) sneaking up stairs is not particularly hitchcockian. 3) hitchcock-ingly is not only an unnecesarily made-up word, it's infuriatingly unfunny. 4) is "'splaining" a ricky ricardo impersonation? if so, why?
i hate you, author. so damn much.
05/12/2005 Klause Muppet: hate's a strong word
05/12/2005 The Rid: Author is trying really hard. I hate that. But this short is called "The plan behind the worst ACME short, ever!" so maybe he did hat he set out to do. Unless the title is a reference to the short within the short. I dunno, I've spent too much time on this POS already.
05/12/2005 The Rid: *what he set out to do.
05/12/2005 Pushups: "The Rid" -- if that is your real name -- you could use a little more work on those pectorals. I've got an exercise for you that will do the trick.
05/12/2005 The Rid: Pushups, thanks. I did flat, incline and decline bench on Tuesday, so I think I'm all set for now, right?
05/12/2005 Pushups: Not so fast. Have you ever heard of isometrics? Use the body weight God gave you, not some artificial mechanism.
05/12/2005 Will Disney: hat?
05/12/2005 Klause Muppet: Pushups, I think you're getting away from the real issue here: The Short. Rid, I think 'The plan behind the worst ACME short, ever!' is referencing the "Ooohhh" short that Pony mentioned before. I'd say more, but I'm noticing a new short posted... so uhm...
05/12/2005 Anal Sex: I agree with Klause, Pushups. Let's stick to the matter at hand. Although, actually, let me know when you're done with The Rid; I have a suggestion or two of my own.
05/12/2005 Pushups: I'm done. My suggestions are falling on deaf ears in this Nautilus universe.
05/12/2005 Jon Matza: Pony: my advice is to attempt to precisely pinpoint and articulate those aspects of the short you find most problematic/unsuccessful. Then try to analyze why the short evokes such strong disgust in you. This intellectual journey may not be easy or pain-free, but as a result of your efforts the short will lose its power over you.
05/12/2005 Litcube: I finished reading this short.
05/12/2005 Mr. Pony: I've been agonizing over why I need to one-star this short all day, and I think I've got it; the thing about this short that makes me want to kick its teeth in: It's the short's self-image. This short believes that it is the life of the party. This short believes itself capable of dazzling and witty conversation. This short fancies itself an excellent cook. The short's smirk betrays a profound faith in its own skill as a lover. This short, however, is none of these things. This short has a lampshade on its head. This short has had four too many apple martinis. This short's fly is open. This short reeks of premature ejaculate and boiled porterhouse. In short, I believe that this short has a sense of itself that it cannot live up to, and furthermore, that it is not even really trying to live up to. I get the sense this short feels entitled to be as funny as it thinks it is. All this is in excess of the author's intention in writing it, whatever that may be. I believe I've already covered that. Thank you, Matza. I can already feel the urine in my bladder de-crystalizing.
05/12/2005 Pushups: Have you considered strengthening your torso through my systematic routine?
05/12/2005 Klause Muppet: Hey Litcube, how was it? Since you've finished reading the short I thought you may have an opinion.
05/12/2005 Yahzick: This short wrapped its cunt around my neck.
05/12/2005 Front: Pony's last comment made this all worthwhile to read.
05/13/2005 Dave Heiny: Episode 2 in a an over-budget lackluster trilogy.