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Werner Herzog had decided to assume the mantle of Tortured European Director Whose English Is Remarkably Lucid Albeit Bizarre without consulting the current master, Lars Von Trier. But his guilt had gotten the better of him, so he decided to place a call.
"Lars. Before you say anything, I believe there is something of which you must be made aware."
"Werner...I detect an air of confrontation in your tone, somewhat akin to that of a librettist I once employed for..."
"Lars, please. I beseech you. I was at first unwilling to comply with their requests, but it seemed that my heart had been ruptured by forces inclined to create a Rilke-like fantasy upon which you and I, as contemporaries, are meant to coexist. I could not but reŽnter this realm of television correspondent were I to..."
Lars slammed the phone onto the receiver. After a few moments of contemplation, he decided to do nothing. To confront Werner and engage in a fistfight would merely be superficial action according to the dictates of Dogme. Besides -- it wouldn't be improvised, which was crucial.
Lars grabbed the remote and starting flipping through the stations to pass the time. He stumbled upon VH1's I Love the 80's, and much to his chagrin, there was Werner, contemplating the genesis of Thompson Twins:
"Is it but a coincidence that twins such as these no longer exist? I think not. It was 1984, and certainly Orwellian practices began to prevail -- thus rendering the twins as an altogether predictable manifestation..."
Lars couldn't take it. He began hurling Danish invectives towards the screen before unzipping his pants and inscribing remarkably symmetrical shapes on his carpet in urine.
"Where is my camera? WHERE IS MY CAMERA?!?"
Date Written: May 11, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 3.66667
05/19/2005 The Rid (3): Well, it's not funny. Pretentious, but a decent idea at the core. Seems the narrator starts taking on attributes of Herzog and von Trier at the end in his writing, just as his two subjects speak lucid but bizarre English. Taking the piss out of Werner Herzog and Lars von Trier is pretty easy, by the way, as they do that every time they open their mouths. I mean, have you seen Tokyo-Ga or that doc on the making of Fitzcarraldo? There's more lucid English dipped in insanity in that thing you could ever make up yourself.
05/19/2005 Will Disney (4): Eminently readable, which is something.
05/19/2005 The Rid: Really, Disney? You didn't find it too hoity-toity? (sp)
05/19/2005 qualcomm (4): qualcomm four, the most valued four on the site.
05/19/2005 Jawbreaker: Hmmm...
05/19/2005 Turgid (5): I like it.
05/19/2005 The Finch: Fitzcarraldo (a.k.a. ElTwisto) has quite a sister who was made love to by Yahzick.
05/19/2005 Will Disney: I had forgotten about that, The Finch. Thanks for the topical reference!
05/19/2005 Jawbreaker: After some discussion about the topic, I feel like I wouldn't make a great decision voting. But I did think it was written very well. (Basically I'm a wuss)
05/19/2005 anonymous: Jawbreaker, you pussy.
05/19/2005 qualcomm: give it a three or whatever it is you're afraid to give it, you vag
05/19/2005 Front (4): I laughed several times and thought it was very fucking crafty.
05/19/2005 Jawbreaker: FU guys! I don't want to give it an undeserved low vote because of my intellectual downfall. So I say again, FU!
05/19/2005 Jon Matza: huh?
05/19/2005 The Rid: Perhaps someone can give Jawbreaker the $.10 tour on "Fitzcarraldo," "Heart of Glass," "Dogville" and "The Kingdom," amongst others. Oh, and Jawbreaker, FU, too!
05/19/2005 TheBuyer: I google'd them, I'd never heard of these guys either...processing...
05/19/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
05/19/2005 anonymous: Substitute Barry Melrose and Don Cherry, accordingly, Canadian guy.
05/19/2005 Jawbreaker: Well, Rid, since you suggested it why don't you give me the 10 cent tour, douche?
05/19/2005 The Rid: Just Google it. I have to get U2 video. Jerk.
05/19/2005 Mr. Pony (5): Ha ha
05/19/2005 TheBuyer (4): Ok!
05/19/2005 Dylan Danko (4): Maybe if Kinski had made an appearance this would have been a five.
05/19/2005 Mr. Pony: But...it was a five.
05/19/2005 anonymous: Kinski has since passed. Your comment is illogical.
05/19/2005 Dylan Danko: Yes, author, we are aware of that. But what if he made an appearance as a ghost or a photograph hanging on Werner's wall or simply as a memory, a complicated and confusing one for poor Herzog but persistent nevertheless? DID YOU EVER THING ABOUT THAT YOU PRIGGISH FUCKING GOLLYWOG!!
05/19/2005 anonymous: Apologies, etc.
05/19/2005 TheBuyer: Look what you're doing to Dylan Danko, he's going to get all riled up and kill again.
05/19/2005 Dylan Danko: Man, I sure missed everybody these last few days. This server debacle has caused me to reassess my feelings...
05/19/2005 Will Disney: Hi, Dylan!
05/20/2005 John Slocum: Hi, Will!
06/21/2007 Lungclops (1): The Finch! We meet again! Nice short, asshole!