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Kelly was fed up. The smelly, ketchup stained apron clung to her moist body as she flipped the greasy burger on the grill. Kelly was not your average hottie. Yes she had big tits for her petite body but that was nothing compared to her wit. Kelly was one of those girls where her tits really got in the way of her pursuing her life long dream of being a nanny. She would never get a call back after meeting the mother. The old hags were so jealous of her body that they were afraid their cock-sucking husbands would want to fuck her. Little did the wives know was that their husbands really were cock-suckers, Kelly was no threat.

Working in corporate America as a “grill girl” was not Kelly’s idea of bringing home the bacon. Kelly essentially was a man-hater because of all the shit she took during the nine to five hours she worked. Work equaled hell in her book. But Kelly wasn’t your average cursing, shaved-head feminist. She actually was very feminine, some might even call girly, even if her work clothes consisted solely of white wife beaters, a stained apron and black fuck me pants. If only she had the chance to tell all the sexist mutherfuckers she worked with how she really felt. She would say something along these lines:

Listen up boys!

You all think you are high and mighty. You want to stab any moving piece of ass with your small cock and then call her a slut. You want to control the world by pummeling over anything that gets in your way; whether it be a small animal, an endangered rainforest or your mom. You pretend to have feelings so that some unlucky woman takes pity on you and fucks you. You climb the corporate ladder so high so that you can look down on the glass ceiling and hock a lugey on it. You grab your small sack in front of your boss and laugh about it.

Basically if women didn’t hate each other they would take you head on and kick you in the balls so hard that you would cough up sperm-filled phlegm.

Thank you for your time.

But alas, poor Kelly was too concerned with fending off the short Mexicans who always tried to grab her tits. She would have to save her speech for another day.

Date Written: May 11, 2005
Author: Jawbreaker
Average Vote: 3.83333

05/23/2005 Will Disney: I can tell this one's from the heart, eh, Jawbreaker?
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: I don't know, it sounds like Kelly has a lot going for her. Maybe if she just applied herself, she'd be a little happier! A little hard work can go a long way!
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: What are fuck me pants?
05/23/2005 Will Disney: That's true, Mr. Pony. I mean, I hope Kelly isn't expecting someone to hand her the world on a platter.
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Do you get the feeling that Kelly is confusing workplace sexual harassment with her inability to advance from her position as a cook? She's clearly upset about both (with good reason, maybe), but I don't get the sense that the two are necessarily related; except in her perception of the situation.
05/23/2005 qualcomm: "Kelly was one of those girls where her tits really got in the way of her pursuing her life long dream of being a nanny." yeah, i know the type.
05/23/2005 Dylan Danko: Oooo, there's a glass ceiling! Look everybody it's a glass ceiling! It's preventing women from achieving EQUALITY!!! How horrible! God I hate Kelly.
05/23/2005 qualcomm: author, i'm sorry you have been so clearly mistreated by other men. i'm different. i have feelings. maybe you could come over after work, and we could... talk.
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: There's an interesting thing going on with size here. Kelly suggests that the small things in her world (penises, scrota, and Mexicans) are somehow inherently less valuable, but by her own admission, these tiny items (penises and scrota, at least) are also badges of corporate success. In contrast, her disproportionately large breasts and wit, which she clearly sees as positive, nevertheless hinder her in her quest for fulfillment. Perhaps she has certain things backwards?
05/23/2005 The Rid: Kelly's physical description sounds remarkably similar to a woman I work with, minus the ketchup stains. And she's more of a jeans girl, too. But the wifebeater thing is accurate to a fault. One wonders if the mystery girl who wrote this (I mean, I'm assuming it's a girl, what do I know, really?) feels such feelings in her real workplace. It must be tough being an attractive woman in today's still sexist marketplace!
05/23/2005 Dylan Danko: Is The Rid being serious?
05/23/2005 The Rid: No, Danko, I'm not being serious.
05/23/2005 anonymous: Good afternoon everyone! I'll try to acknowledge all the comments. Pony: fuck me pants are tight black pants that girls wear to either knowingly or unknowingly attract a male's attention. Kelly also thinks she is doomed in her miserable world so applying herself is not an option. For Everyone: This is not actually based on personal expereince. Yes I am a woman in a man dominated field and yes, I do wear wifebeaters of many colors but I do not relate to the comments of being an attractive woman in the workplace. But I do now what sexual harassement is!
05/23/2005 TheBuyer (3.5): She's not much of a feminist if she can't get past 'Nanny'. The ultimate female power play is getting naked on a stage to some music for money, she should set her sights on 'stripper'.
05/23/2005 qualcomm: welcome to acme, tom robbins! we hope you enjoy your stay here.
05/23/2005 Klause Muppet: Hi Author! Is our protagonist a lesbian?
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: I'd like to point out that while the grill is not necessarily the center of the corporation, it is the center of any worthwhile short-order restaurant kitchen. To paraphrase another young lady beset by tiny people: Sometimes, when you go looking for your heart's desire, you don't need to look any further than your own backyard; because if it isn't there, you never really lost it to begin with.
05/23/2005 qualcomm (5):
05/23/2005 qualcomm: i think we need to encourage more think pieces like this.
05/23/2005 Louise Fletcher: Ordinarily I'd remain silent, but I think at times like these it's good to offer a little encouragement and helpful advice to my sisters in the workplace. When I was your age, it truly was a man's world. Things have gotten much better, to be sure; but there are still hurdles to overcome. One thing that hasn't changed is that to get ahead, and stay ahead, we have to do it by way of the quality of our character and the value of our efforts--and not a lot of silly name-calling. Don't give in to the temptation to play the "blame game." It's the easiest thing in the world to look at the system and call it unfair. The burden is on us to become the system; and make it fair.
05/23/2005 anonymous: Thanks QC! Klause: Nope she is not!
05/23/2005 qualcomm: your death scene in brainstorm was wonderful
05/23/2005 Jon Matza: So the only job opp. open to this witty, large breasted beauty is "grill girl"? Doesn't seem very "plaus". (Aren't girls of this body type usually made waitress/hostess? Slocum, back me up on this one, buddy.) Also, her "Listen up boys" tirade failed to convince me of her supposedly exceptional wit. But I'm open to persuasion...
05/23/2005 anonymous: This short is better than most of the author's previous output, but five stars? I think three is appropo.
05/23/2005 qualcomm: author: i would like to discuss your future on acme with you. maybe, say, at my place, over a couple of sierra nevadas? i think you have a lot of potential, perhaps even a career as a full author. you just need a friend on the inside. i can be that friend. we all need a leg up from time to time, yes?
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: anon_a, it's really okay to say stuff like that in the clear, without the veil of anonymity. We're all adults here, and I think the author would agree that such comments would not be taken personally.
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Wouldn't you agree, author?
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Author?
05/23/2005 anonymous: I definitely agree Pony. That comment would not be taken personally and I think the person who wrote this is cowardly. FU anon-A!
05/23/2005 qualcomm: if you do accept my invitation, author, please shower thoroughly before coming, and refrain from applying any deodorants or anti-perspirants. i don't like the taste.
05/23/2005 The Rid (4): That's a pretty smug comment, Author, considering you saw me post that comment, as you were sitting right next to me in the edit room!

So here you go: This short is three stars. It's a funny idea, but I think you get caught up in the meanness-equals-funny thing a little too often (please see "Beep. Beep." and "Here is your grande soy latte"). That said, there are some, to borrow a Matza phrase, sirloin moments ("Kelly was not your average hottie," "fending off the short Mexicans") that bump this up to a four. Perhaps I was hasty in my anon_a garb.

And, by the way: FU.
05/23/2005 anonymous: QC: How do you feel about Victoria's Secret scented lotion in Amber Romance?
05/23/2005 anonymous: hey, is the rid a short mexican?
05/23/2005 Klause Muppet: Author, I bid you to ignore qualcomm's empty promises and remind you where you truly belong, with us Guests. My place perhaps?
05/23/2005 anonymous: Anon-b: Nope, it would be funnier if he was.
05/23/2005 anonymous: how about now? is he a short mexican now?
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony (5): It's taken me all day to come to this, but qualcomm's right. Intentional or not, this short is a bright new voice in the firmament, despite what nay-sayers like Matza and the Rid might think.
05/23/2005 Klause Muppet (4.5): All in all, an enjoyable read. .5 off because she's not a hot lesbian.
05/23/2005 Jon Matza: Danko: fix this situation.
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Pretty sure Danko's with us, Matza.
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Pretty sure you are, too.
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Wait, I thought Victoria's Secret made underpants.
05/23/2005 Jon Matza: Pfineous: do something.
05/23/2005 anonymous: Vicki's not only makes pretty undies but they make scented lotions and other girly products. I am a big fan. Others I know are not so it depends on your taste.
05/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Fuck me pants. I bet they make fuck me pants.
05/24/2005 Pfineous (3): Pfineous here. Matza - happy to be of service. Jawbreaker - a fine effort. I hope you're not discouraged by this 3. Agree with Matza on plausibility issues. Rooo.
05/24/2005 Mr. Pony: I object to that three, you ridiculous cat. This is one of those rare shorts that's either a one or a five.
05/24/2005 Jon Matza: Pfineous: SIC 'EM!!!
05/24/2005 Dylan Danko (2): The clothing at Victoria's Secret is of very poor quality. Much like this short, you can only wear their stuff once or twice before it falls apart. Sorry author, I'm not a fan of the short but I encourage you to write more shorts about big breasted girls.
05/24/2005 Jawbreaker: Do all the shorts at acme really need to be plausible? Also, I've come across some really strange people that should be characters in science fiction novels but they are real, true-blooded Americans/Canadians. And I think describing these people on the open canvas of paper makes the story that much more interesting. But, I do respect your opinions.
05/24/2005 Mr. Pony: I think when discussions of plausibility come up, in general people are talking less about statements like "Dan was the pilot of an intergalactic space cruiser," and more about statements like "Dan was fifty thousand feet tall and could fit into a regular sized thimble."
05/24/2005 qualcomm: matza, why haven't you voted? (assuming pfineous is a slocum alias)
05/24/2005 Litcube (4.5): To answer your question author (2/18/2005 7:30:16 PM), I was referring to you.
05/24/2005 Jon Matza: Let me get this straight: you're scolding me for not voting on the same short you give a bad faith 5 to? I'm finding it hard to "dig" that, brother.
05/24/2005 qualcomm: yeah, but why don't you vote on it, though?
05/24/2005 qualcomm: "btw," my vote wasn't entirely in bad faith. i gave this a five because i found it exhiliratingly bad, and i'd like to encourage more such efforts.
05/24/2005 qualcomm: oh wait, maybe that's the exact definition of bad faith. well, either way, i had my reasons.
05/24/2005 Jon Matza: If pressed I'd give it 2.5 big ones.
05/24/2005 anonymous: What's more plausible? That this is a 2.5 star short or a 5 star short?
05/24/2005 anonymous: You know that WE know that you're anon_a, don't you, the Rid? You short Mexican?
05/24/2005 Mr. Negative: There's not much mystery in that, anon_b, as he fessed up to it in his last comment as "The Rid." What the hell is wrong with you?
05/24/2005 Mr. Negative: Anon_b: I'd suggest you were try to be funny, but inside every silver lining, there's a dark cloud. Jerk.
05/24/2005 Jawbreaker: Why, QC, why? Why do you have to hurt Jawbreaker?
05/24/2005 anonymous: I'm with you, Mr. Negative! The Rid is a fucking coward!
05/24/2005 Mr. Positive: Mr. Negative! For shame! Inside every silver lining is a beautiful, fluffy, perfect, cumulonimbus! Hooray!
05/24/2005 anonymous: Klause, you know that everyone knows that you're anon_b, right?
05/24/2005 Jawbreaker: I think all anons are dumb.
05/24/2005 qualcomm: felt i owed you the truth, jawbreaker. think of it as a gift: awareness and acceptance of this piece's failings may allow you to harness your own terrible literary instincts and use them to push the cherished acme genre of intentionally bad writing into brave new territory. maybe this godawful style of yours is lodesign of some untapped tributary to that rich vein. now get back to work and write me some more of that demented crap, you gorgeous bitch!
05/24/2005 Jawbreaker: I don't know whether to be insulted (allow you to harness your own terrible literary instincts and use them to push the cherished acme genre of intentionally bad writing into brave new territory) or flattered (you gorgeous bitch!). I'm going with my first gut feeling.
05/24/2005 John Slocum (3): Jawbreaker, whatever you do, don't pick up the soap when QC drops it and asks you if you'd mind 'getting that for me.' I fell for that and it still hurts to sit down.
05/24/2005 Dylan Danko: Take my wife...please?
09/10/2005 Klause Muppet: Just reread this and would like to state the fact I've never commented under an "anon-user". I've cleared my name and will now sleep. Good night.