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Ronald Hankpanker had trouble getting women to fuck him. He was not a good lover. Occasionally he would find an insecure woman with no standards or self-esteem whom he could talk into the sack, but then he would have difficulty getting hard. When he finally got it up he would force his way through grunts and moans. He choreographed his dirty talk the way he imagined it should go (“Suck that cock…now suck it with your pussy.”). When he finally managed to achieve orgasm and found himself in the deafening, post-coital stillness, he tried to hide how obvious it was that he had fucked badly by marshalling understatement jokes. “I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon – heh heh.” These jokes were met with anything from a confused chuckle to silence to fury. When Ronald was 46 he realized he was gay. All the gray crust disappeared from his soul. Only thing was, he couldn’t get out of the habit of making those jokes after sex. Now, instead of stony silence or a tongue-lashing from harsh female lips, he got a muscled forearm to the jaw, or his collar bone splintered when he was tossed from the bed. When he was 48, Ronald had his name legally changed to Jim Smith but he still got his ass kicked after gay sex. Much later, he died of natural causes.

Date Written: May 30, 2005
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.72727

06/3/2005 Will Disney: Wow, it's really nice to see an epic story like this on acme. Spanning time...
06/3/2005 TheBuyer: That dirty talk is bad?
06/3/2005 Will Disney: Yeah, that is really horny stuff. What's the problem with it?
06/3/2005 Klause Muppet: Enjoyed. I'm not sure about the last paragraph.
06/3/2005 The Rid (4.5): Hey, I thought this was hilarious. No problem at all with the last paragraph, Klause, you Knucklehead!
06/3/2005 Klause Muppet: The last line seems unnecessary. I feel the Author put it in their just to make sure we laughed. I dunno, maybe it's just me being a Knucklehead.
06/3/2005 Klause Muppet: "there"
06/3/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
06/3/2005 Dylan Danko:
06/3/2005 Litcube (4): This short got me laughing out loud, especially 3rd paragraph, first line. The first paragraph made me feel very self conscious. Agree with Klause re last line.
06/3/2005 Jawbreaker (4): Definitly laughed out loud on this one. I personally liked the last paragraph.
06/3/2005 Shane (4.5): {grin}
06/3/2005 Litcube: This oughtheur's brothers are noticeably absent.
06/3/2005 TheBuyer (3.5): Yeth, thorry. I wath buthy, it'th tho hard for me to rate schortth when I'm buthy.
06/3/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Thought I had voted on this! Last line is a little bit Maniacs. Still. Thought this was well-put-together.
06/3/2005 Jon Matza (3.5): Solid--but nothing that stoked the embers of my righteousness here.
06/5/2005 Benny Maniacs (4): I liked it when he turned gay. But those comments he made after sex didn't seem all that offensive. Maybe you could have made them really offensive. "Aside from the sight of your cottage cheese jiggling in the sunlight, I think that went well." Or "Good, good, you're really getting it." I don't know. Scoop? You're good at these.
06/6/2005 qualcomm (3): idiot
06/6/2005 John Slocum: Good, solid critique. Nicely done, diarrhea breath.
06/7/2005 scoop (2): Sex and violence clumsily slapped together in a late-night shotgun wedding that no one attneded and no one really was upset anout missing. One of the primary eRRors here is the narrator's insistence on telling us all this stuff about Ronald but not showing it. I've got to take the narrator's word for it that any of this is really worth knowing. Compared to the controversial sports short, which was driven by an idea at its core, the idea here seems more like an excuse to get sex and violence in the same habitat and see what the hell happens. Maybe it's better than a two. But compared to MAtza's lates which I thought had descriptions much better, richer, funny, than this, it left me numb. And I gave that a three.