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A man is not a man until he has kissed the lips which do not speak.

Date Written: May 31, 2005
Author: Mr. Joshua
Average Vote: 4.11111

05/31/2005 Mr. Pony: Are we talking about dead people?
05/31/2005 TheBuyer: Codfish, he's a Newfie.
05/31/2005 qualcomm (5): aw man, that is so righteous!
05/31/2005 Will Disney (1.5):
05/31/2005 anonymous: FU, Disney. This means war.
05/31/2005 Jon Matza: This got a good laugh out of me, but this response was to the short in conjunction with qc's comment/vote (I saw the short & qc's feedback pretty much simultaneously). Now I think I'd've laughed at the short itself, but I'll never be sure. Pony: how do I vote, given that the purity of my response was sullied by the aforementioned extra-textual factors?
05/31/2005 anonymous: What's the matter, Disney? Did this hit to close to home? Have you not yet kissed the lips which do not speak?
05/31/2005 anonymous: Z-Dog....take it from me, there's a genetic correlation going on here. Better give it a finski.
05/31/2005 anonymous: too
05/31/2005 Mr. Pony: MATZA: One thing to do would be to vote according to your complete reaction, but then dilute your vote by suggesting to the author that it probably had as much to do with something outside his control. Your post below could suffice. The effect of this composite action will automatically tailor itself to the temperament of the author. Unscrupulous, star-hungry authors will ignore your comment and take the vote at face value. If money is all they want then that's what they'll receive, right? Render unto Caesar, eh? Authors of a more honorable and self-critical nature, however, will see the totality of what you are saying and take it to heart!

HOWEVER: How many times have you been irritated by someone giving poor marks to a work, because they misread it, or were in an awful mood? Though your vote may be favorable, this situation is virtually identical. Some would say that you are now tainted; as far as this short is concerned. Some would say that you have no business voting on it.

INDEED: This is quite a pickle. I offer a third solution. You are a "smart guy". You have what the Shaolin Monks refer to as "mental discipline". Consider: you never saw qualcomm's comment. You never saw it. You only saw the short. How many stars do you see?

BTW: Loved you in The Village.
05/31/2005 anonymous: So you're saying he should give it a five, Pony?
05/31/2005 scoop: Wait, are we talking about frenching babies?
05/31/2005 Jon Matza: Pony: your remarks are appreciated. As best as I can determine I see 2.5 - 3 stars on the short's merits alone. (As I see it, these merits consist of a) the author's willingness to experiment and risk evisceration by posting a 14-word statement as a short; b) the device of stating a completely debatable assertion as an irrefutable truism (& the deadpan tone that results); c) the silly mock-sacred quality of "lips which do not speak". However, in general I don't feel comfortable trying to vote as if these shorts are in a sealed vacuum-packed baggie. As Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle teaches us, we change the very nature of something by observing it, and thus objectivity's not only impossible but fallacious--maybe even presumptuous to strive for. Given this, in my heart of hearts I believe contextual factors (e.g., one's current mood, general aesthetic prejudices, like or dislike of a given authors' persona & past works, and so on) are legitimate considerations when voting. Same goes for how others' comments influence one's reaction to a particular short (in this case they added a good 1.5 stars or so of pleasure to my "reading experience"). I'm not sure about any of this, though. In fact, the dilemma is causing me painful feelings of ambivalence, regret and loss! Plus I still don't know how to vote.
05/31/2005 scoop (0.5): Let this pioneering vote be your guide, Matza! P.S. Heisneberg's Principle isn't a metaphor! Eviscerate away!
05/31/2005 qualcomm: how would it affect your vote, matza, if you knew that this short is actually an old joke, not created by the author?
05/31/2005 anonymous: Z-Dog, your analysis comes very close to capturing what I was feeling as I created this short. In an age when bloviation and logorrhea routinely are mistaken for intellectual discourse, isn't it refreshing to see a short which cuts right to the chase? Is not literature's primary beauty the elucidation of life's truths, both simple and profound? Is not this beauty rendered all the more poignant by a succint conveyance of an author's ideas? Is "Notes From Underground" any less remarkable than "The Brothers K" because it contains far fewer pages? Can you honestly say that you would have keyed Scrappy T in your exotic wagers without the guidance of this short's author? I think you need to answer these and many other questions before deciding on whether this INSTANT SHORT deserves a four or a five star ranking. I know that you're not above soul-searching and introspection when it comes to getting a grasp on this slippery concept that we humans call "truth". One thing I have always admired about you and your fellow Brookliners is your capacity as individuals, and as a group, to think outside the box. I trust that in determining your final evaluation for this short you will take all of this into account.
05/31/2005 Jon Matza: QC: Not too much, I don't think...I seem to have less aversion to plagiarism/unoriginality than many other acme entity-personages. All I see is questions, Pony...more and more questions...coming at me from all directions like a bevy of screeching, claw-baring pfineous-daemons. What I'm looking for here is an argument so persuasive, so convincing it'll free me from this crippling self-consciousness and uncertainty thus allowing me to vote with absolute confidence. [Matza begins pulverizing head with ball-peen hammer]
05/31/2005 anonymous: Scoop: It's one thing to deliberately mis-read a text, it's quite another to vote based on such.
05/31/2005 Mr. Pony: I see this short as a loving homage to the song Eat Pussy, Not Cows by Jesse Vital, which contains a very similar lyric.
05/31/2005 anonymous: What's so sexy about kissing a mute?
05/31/2005 anonymous: Dear anon_user_a,
It would appear that this line of questioning has already been adequately explored.
Thank you,
05/31/2005 Pix (5): Affirm/Agree
05/31/2005 Jawbreaker (5): I'm on your side of the playing field, Pix!
06/1/2005 John Slocum (5): Mr. Joshua: The hilarity of this short is exceeded only by your extreme talent and skill in matters real estate. And perhaps, as well, your character is stronger than this short is funny. Discipline, too, come to think of it, and moral courage.
06/1/2005 Daphne: If you hold on to it just right, a queef can sound like an important question.
06/1/2005 Will Disney: Thanks, Daphne!
06/1/2005 Mr. Joshua: How about it ladies? Let's make some noise!
06/2/2005 Yahzick (5): I really like short ones. I added a star because this short spawned Daphne's comment and that me laugh out loud like a frat-boy watching Springer.
09/8/2005 Fake TREE (5): Lips are good.
09/8/2005 Jon Matza (5): My previous comments notwithstanding, this may be the best short on the site.
02/4/2007 scoop: I forget how much I miss the J-Dog's contributions to Acme. Sure he gave us some shit from time to time, but when he was on, there may have been no better author on the site.