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WHAT IS THIS PROBLEM? Ok, guys, there is a problem. It is sharks. HOW BIG IS THIS PROBLEM? People are totally being eaten by sharks all over the world. In places like Australia, The United States, and in Canada, and in Mexico, and in Denmark, and in the U.S.S.R., and in the India, people are totally fucking being eaten by sharks. People are dying, dudes. It is not cool. WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM? - Getting eaten by a shark totally hurts you. - Having your face eaten by a shark is bunk. - Having your arm eaten by a shark is not cool. - Sharks are almost invincible. - You can die if your face is eaten by a shark. - You can die if all that’s left of you is your face if the shark eats you (you need your body). DUDE. SERIOUS. There's a lot of times in the news where you see people, and they're being eaten by sharks, and you're like, "ow, it must totally hurt being eaten by sharks." Think about a shark eating you in the face. If you just said that must totally hurt a lot, and I saw you say it, I’d say “yes.” HOW CAN WE RESOLVE THIS PROBLEM? I don't know. But what I do know is, people who are dying all over the world would seriously like us to do something about all these sharks eating people in the face. Right now, I bet, there's someone in a huge lake, and he's all, "fuck! This shark's got all my legs in his huge mouth! Help me! Fuck! He's eating all of my face! Get this shark off me!" Think about this dude as if he was your neighbour. Now tell me you don't hate sharks.

Date Written: June 06, 2005
Author: Litcube
Average Vote: 4.1875

Comments:
06/6/2005 Klause Muppet (4): I liked the repetitive "eating the face" gag. I'm not quite sure about sharks living in fresh water, i.e. "huge lake". I'm pretty sure sharks live in the ocean. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure they do.
06/6/2005 qualcomm (4):
06/6/2005 Italo Calvino (4):
06/6/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
06/6/2005 Jon Matza (4): This fine and thoughful essay would perhaps have benefited from more detailed information regarding the number of sharks under discussion (for verisimilitude's sake).
06/6/2005 Klause Muppet: WHERE ARE WE? It looks like an lake. Tom’s there too. He’s karate kicking the sharks. “Chaaa Chaaa”! Take that you nasty sharks!
06/7/2005 Mr. Pony (4.5): It is a little-known but totally motherfucking brilliant fact that the Bull Shark has been sighted in fresh water, some 4,200 kilometres upstream from the mouth of the motherfucking Amazon River!
06/7/2005 Mr. Pony: It is sharks.
06/7/2005 John Slocum (4.5):
06/7/2005 TheBuyer (4.5): the India? Oh FUCK!
02/14/2006 Litcube: Thank you, everyone. Thank you for listening.
01/15/2009 Ferucio P. Chhretan: "I'm a shark! I'm a shark! Suck my dick! I'm a shark!"