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My feelings were hurt again, and this time it wasn't just the name calling. The tone of voice my interlocutors used was also very hurtful, and the undercurrents of hostility inherent in the statements and phrases they chose further hacked away at my already fragile self-esteem.
I pulled down my swim trunks and examined my penis. It appeared extremely small and shrivelled. The girls swim team giggled at my mortification, causing my testicles to retract into my abdomen painfully. Feeling physically and emotionally brutalized, I cringed and tried to sidle away. I was afraid of further ridicule and/or physical abuse. How had matters come to this pass? I'd done everything I could to ingratiate myself with them, yet the harder I tried to befriend them the more they despised me. I felt their rejection at the very core of my being. I was worse than nothing to them; a disgusting bit of dirt. Maybe I hadn't tried hard enough?
I smiled nervously at them but my eyes were already tearing up. Three of them advanced on me. My heart began to pound and a tremor of nausea passed through me. They seized the back of my swimming trunks, lifted me up and hung me over the diving board. The material of my swimsuit wedged up between my legs and chafed my anus. What drove them to take away my human dignity in this way? I began to shriek.
"Stop snivelling!" shouted Chad, the lifeguard. He jumped down from his chair and pelted me in the face with a water polo ball. My nose began to bleed. My chlorine allergies were acting up, too; I'd forgotten my medicine. Chad got on the board and began bouncing up and down, causing my wedgie to lodge further into my crack. The burning pain in my rectum was terrific. With an Indian war whoop he jumped over me into the pool, punching me in the mouth on the way down. My retainer went flying into the water and slowly sank. If only I knew how to swim! Suddenly the fire alarm began to ring...
Date Written: June 06, 2005Comments:
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.85
06/8/2005 Mr. Pony (4.5): This is dreadful!
06/8/2005 Will Disney: Author, do you mean terrific good or terrific bad?
06/8/2005 Will Disney: Thank you for a wonderful depiction of hell. A few questions:
1. Why did the character forget his medicine?
2. Were the girls laughing at the character's feeling of mortification, or does the word mortification refer to a shrivelled penis in this case?
06/8/2005 Will Disney (5):
06/8/2005 Dylan Danko (5): That last, totally gratuitous punch in the mouth has me seething.
06/8/2005 qualcomm (2.5): writing's kind of average, uninspired. fails to elicit a 'welcome to the dollhouse' desire to join in on beating the outcast. fails to elicit laughter.
06/8/2005 The Rid: So he can't swim but he's at the pool? Why is he examining his penis, therefore inviting more ridicule? If he's so terrified of being an outcast, why is he consciously doing things that make him seem like an outcast? He seems a little too self aware to be this dumb. I smell implausibility here.
06/8/2005 qualcomm: rid, that's the joke: the the narrator is engaging in stereotypically dorky fight-or-flight behavior, failing to realize that said behavior elicits more abuse.
06/8/2005 Jon Matza: Hmmm...[Matza strokes beard thoughtfully] I hadn't thought of the guilt angle. That's a tasty angle...
06/8/2005 Jon Matza: s'bells! I commented on the wrong short again. Where is my head these days? [Matza sidles away in disgrace]
06/8/2005 The Rid: qualcomm, hasn't it been argued that if the joke has to be explained, the joke doesn't work? I mean, I don't think it's particularly funny that this guy is such an idiot. In fact, I want to hit him, too.
06/8/2005 Dylan Danko: QC, examining ones penis is an example of which, fight or flight?
06/8/2005 qualcomm: listen, i'm not saying this guy's instincts are good. that's part of the joke; they're bad. they're a case study in what not to do.
06/8/2005 Dylan Danko: And this case study in what not to do was intentional?
06/8/2005 qualcomm: it seems so. i don't know, i didn't write the thing.
06/8/2005 The Rid: Well, QC, it seems that despite the author's intentions, which you seem to have gotten, you didn't like the short much (I didn't like it much, either). True?
06/8/2005 TheBuyer: qualcomm, it has been alleged that you "you didn't like the short much" please limit your answer to 'Yes' or 'No'.
06/8/2005 qualcomm: the rid: that's correct, sir.
06/8/2005 Dylan Danko: The Rid, was that a serious comment?
06/8/2005 The Rid (2):
06/8/2005 Dylan Danko: Question rather
06/8/2005 The Rid: Which question, Danko?
06/8/2005 Dylan Danko: Well, Qualcomm gave the short 2 and a half stars and gave his reasons. It seemed quite clear that he didn't like it. Crystal even. Similarly, you too stated your dislike for the short so your comment below appears to have been made without any point.
06/8/2005 The Rid: Okay. So. What's your point? To point out that I had no point?
06/8/2005 qualcomm: yes. while i agree with you that the short wasn't very good, i found your points rather silly.
06/8/2005 The Rid: Well, you usually find my points silly. Now you're just pickin'!
06/8/2005 TheBuyer: I don't understand why this guy does all these things that are so stupid and useless in front of everyone and cause everyone to make fun of him when it's obvious all he wants to do is fit in. He should try being funny instead so instead of laughing at him they would be laughing at his jokes.
06/8/2005 Litcube: To whom are you referring?
06/8/2005 anonymous: Buyer--are you serious or mocking the Rid?
06/8/2005 The Rid: I'm gonna go with mocking The Rid.
06/8/2005 TheBuyer: Rid.
06/8/2005 anonymous: [author dashes beads of perspiration from brow with monogrammed handkerchief]
06/8/2005 TheBuyer (4): I like Chad a lot, pushed it over-average for me.
06/8/2005 Dylan Danko: QC, i believe The Rid was talking to me down there.
06/8/2005 The Rid: You know, Buyer, that's really funny!
06/8/2005 Will Disney: Author, are you going to address my questions?
06/8/2005 anonymous: Apologies, Disney. The narrator forgot his medicine because he was rushing to leave early enough to avoid the bully who (though a year younger) whips horse chestnuts at him on the way to school. Sad to say, the girls were laughing at his embarrassment/discomfort, and he means terrific bad.
06/8/2005 Klause Muppet: I'm not sure what I enjoy reading more: the shorts or qualcomm's critiques on feedback? Rid, you get a lot of slack when you hand out low votes and don't give a valid reason. Do you feel this is justified? If so, why not trying to come up with valid arguments that support your votes, or not vote at all. Hieee!
06/8/2005 Klause Muppet (4): Points for Chad!
06/8/2005 The Rid: Klause, I stated my reasons. You can agree or disagree. K? K.
06/9/2005 Litcube (4):
06/9/2005 Klause Muppet: K. Sorry dude, perhaps I came off the wrong way.
06/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Rid, regarding your comment of 6/8/2005 1:17:37 PM, I don't think anybody argued that having to explain a joke to a retard in any way reflects on the joke.
06/10/2005 The Rid: Thanks, Ewan.
06/11/2005 Benny Maniacs (3.5): Liked this an awful lot, because the protagonist was uncannily like myself as a lad. Except for, my cock, instead of being miniscule, was grotesquley large. The girl's swim team called me "mule".
Picky questions: Why is there a lifeguard at a highschool swimming practice? And why end the story with an elipse? Are we to take it that the miseries just kept on coming and coming for our young Matzalian hero, without any sort of reversal? Was he a handsome nerd, something like Joaquin Pheonix, or was he chubby and awkward, like Matza? Did Brookline High have a pool?
06/11/2005 Benny Maniacs: OK, I went overboard with the chubby and awkward thing. Matza's very graceful, especially on the wiffleball field.
06/14/2005 Shomer Shabbas (4):