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"Stand up straight to the reckoning of Acme; be called on your bullshit.
Kneel to your taboos and forgive your brother for his rudeness," read Dick Vomit from the ancient sacred texts.
The secret meeting of the Acmeshorts Order commenced. Jon Matza pulled from his smock a foot-long pipe and smashed Litcube against a flint until he had it lit. Dylan Danko was sitting in the corner, knitting. That's what he was doing, knitting.
Phony Millions flickered on the holo-tablet, he was smoking a hand-rolled fragrant brown thing, echo-wafting through the olfactory-sonic uberdefinition immersion surround sound.
He lashed sideways and barked, "Gavel this meeting to order!"
The Lerpa howled in his cage, thrashing bits of goats guts about the room.
"Ass holes," banged scoop with the gavel, "Gaybob ass holes, to order."
Everyone calmed down. Dylan Danko continued to knit. Clickity click click, clickity click click.
scoop banged the gavel again, "Disney, please read the minutes."
"Gentlemen," Ewan Snow interjected, "I have. Candy."
Disney stood with his mouth wide open, cut off. He would later kill them all. First he would get the ball rolling.
"So here's where we are. Everything is fine. You slobs in the peanut gallery, great job, keep up the good work. You guys over there, fantastic effort, your input is invaluable. qualcomm, I'm going to kill you first. I've said that before and I *didn't* mean it."
At that, John Slocum stood up and Mr. Joshua broke into thunderous applause. scoop called for the first point of order. The quorum of Semen consisting of Jawbreaker, Klause Muppet, The Rid, Turgid, and TheBuyer stepped forward, they were covered in blood. They dropped their knives on the floor, looked at each other and called it a draw.
Mr. Pony stood up next. He didn't say anything, he farted and everyone cheered.
Whatever, it was funny.
Cuntry and Moe-Ron both shook their heads and started kissing; no one knew what the hell was up with that. Seriously, it was totally out of the blue. I mean, come on, for real, what? Oh. My. God.
TheBuyer stood up with a book in front of his pants and ran away, hiding his shameful boner, eh. Ya. Jimsom Sorghum even put her drink down, much to everyone’s surprise.
And Dylan Danko, Clickity click click, clickity click clicked on through it without even looking.
Date Written: June 10, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 3.33333
06/14/2005 The Rid: Yay!
06/14/2005 qualcomm (0.5): hey author, thanks for stepping up to the plate in dire times and bunting out with this piece of shit. seriously, thanks.
06/14/2005 Will Disney: Eliza: do you think I'll kill them all?
06/14/2005 Eliza (): I see.
06/14/2005 The Rid: qualcomm, your comment gets 4.5 stars.
06/14/2005 Mr. Pony: Author, if you knew how much time and consideration went into constructing and planning each fart, then perhaps you'd see why they're so effective! My farts, you see, have backstory!
06/14/2005 The Rid: I was just excited that my name was in a short NOT written by Klause.
06/14/2005 anonymous: toadass.
06/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Gee I don't know about this. The knitting thing is spot on and I'll admit a laugh at "Gaybob assholes to order" coming from Scoop's lovely wet mouth. I'd like to ask QC if he's embarassed by The Rid's daily declarations of love and if he could maybe put an end to them by telling the poor besotted bugger that he doesn't have a chance.
06/14/2005 Litcube: Holy fucking Christ. What the fuck is this?
06/14/2005 qualcomm: i think the knitting isn't quite right; it's not just like you're knitting, but like you're forcing us to watch you knit.
06/14/2005 Jon Matza (5): What's important isn't the quality of your short, author-- it's the fact you're willing to share your creativity with us at all. Here is your reward, I love you, etc. Let's rock the vote, people! Your voice matters!
06/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Why the hell would I be knitting if not for the attention?
06/14/2005 anonymous: finally, my brillaince gets some recognition.
06/14/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
06/14/2005 Will Disney (4.5): thanks for publishing here on acme!
06/14/2005 anonymous: Ok!
06/14/2005 Will Disney: In fairness to QC, this was a 2 star jobby. Sorry - misfired there, QC!
06/14/2005 anonymous: 2 is still better than what he gave it.
06/14/2005 Will Disney: Well, TheAnonymousAuthor, all I can say is I've been in your shoes, and I know it stings. With that said, QC's Antonin Scalia-like originalism has be to respected for its general consistency.
06/14/2005 scoop: Too busy to gut this proper.
06/14/2005 anonymous: Hyup.
06/14/2005 The Rid (3): I kind of like inside shorts, even when they're not so good. Plus .5 stars!
06/14/2005 Klause Muppet: I'm not sure about this one. It's funny that the Author used all our names and made us do silly things, but the short doesn't really amount to anything.
06/14/2005 Klause Muppet: Hey Matza! How 'bout sending some 5 stars over to the guest shorts!? We're always sharing creativity!
06/14/2005 The Rid: Right, Klause. Hence my 2.5, rounded up for the shout-out.
06/14/2005 Jon Matza: Klause-I've seen a lot of sharing among the guests, true--but as of late I haven't seen a lot of caring.
06/14/2005 Klause Muppet: Are you serious??? Guests care. Guests care lots. Litcube for example. He cares.
06/14/2005 Jon Matza: He cares, all right...cares about consolidating his own power to the detriment of his friends, family and acquaintances!!
06/14/2005 Litcube: Is it that obvious?
06/14/2005 The Rid: Litcube! I was about to defend you! And I'm not even Canadian.
06/14/2005 Litcube: Thanks, Rid, but I'm not sure either of us wants to toss knuckles with the likes of Jon Matza. Besides, it would only being attention to my insatiable thirst for power (and the consolidation thereof [at the expense of everyone else]).
06/14/2005 The Rid: True; Matza is mighty.
06/14/2005 Klause Muppet: Ha!
06/14/2005 Jon Matza: You "guests" may have won this round...but I, Matza, will be back. And when I return I will be in disguise!
06/14/2005 Poop (3): Poop!
06/17/2005 Templeton Dink: Perhaps I will appear at the next meeting, naked to the waist with my fierce umber cock speared through a large jelly donut. Eh? Ya.
Mister Buyer, this isn't a very funny bit of writing but some elements stood out as pleasing. Mister Matza smashing Mister Litcube to make a spark to signify their strange relationship, and the performance by Mister Mr. Pony which everyone enjoyed simply because of who he is.
The Quarum of Semem was strange, are you suggesting the five [five, in a quarum, ahem] of you haven't yet found your pecking order?