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“This,” Dave whispered, pausing with a showman’s instincts, “is where the magic happens.” He tilted his head slyly, and shot Jennifer a knowing wink. They were standing at the threshold of his second-floor bedroom in his townhouse.
Jennifer blushed. “Wow, I don’t doubt it,” she smiled, knowinglier.
The two young lovers stared at each other for maybe a second too long. They eventually broke the tension with an awkward laugh. They turned around and headed back downstairs to the living room where they fucked and watched some TV.
Later that night…
Dave sat cross legged on his bed. The mattress was covered with his Doug Henning sheets. He commissioned them back in ’84 after he saw Henning live at Constitution Hall. Hell of a show. His picture of another hero, David “Mother Fucking” Copperfield, hung above the four-poster bed, itself a type of magic – the magic of holography.
Dave’s orange sequined unitard clung to his gaunt mesmerist frame with what to the naked eye appeared to be magic. But it was actually the product of expert Korean craftsmanship.
Dave’s head undulated as it were fixed to a swivel. His hands fluttered about gracefully as he moved three walnut shells around in a jumble. As he did, one eye appeared to bulge out of his head, and it was always the eye, furthest from you. Maybe it really was magic. I don’t know.
Beneath one of the shells was a pea. No matter how hard you tried, you could never figure out how he always made that pea end up the where you least expected it.
The room was empty. After fucking, Jennifer had gone home.
Dave, or “Dave the Awesome” as he referred to himself in these quiet moments, as usual, practiced his good magic alone, training in the White arts, preparing for that inevitable day when Van Zyskind and his dastardly minions would some day unleash their villainous brand of wizardry on the good people of Tyson Corner and other burgeoning neighborhoods of suburban Virginia.
“Take that, Van Zyskind,” Dave shouted throwing his arms haphazardly over his head, his hands frozen into claws.
And in a shimmering cloud of purple mist, Dave disappeared.
He didn’t know it then, but two months later Dave would use the same trick to make Jennifer’s unwanted pregnancy disappear.
Date Written: June 12, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 3.35714
06/15/2005 Will Disney: This works for me as a character study, and once again the gag at the end seems unnecessary. Some amuzing bits in there mixed in.
06/15/2005 anonymous: Insipid. Too boring to actually make a comment on.
06/15/2005 Litcube: I don't know dudes, I'm pretty sure I really liked this.
06/15/2005 Jon Matza: I thought there some good jokes in here. I will enumerate them later.
06/15/2005 qualcomm (2.5): anon_a's a cowardly cunt, but i have to agree with him. some okay jokes in here, but the central gag is a lame pun, and a lot of the descriptions are unclear. also, far too long for so little payoff.
06/15/2005 qualcomm: well, not a payoff, but too long for so little pleasure along the way.
06/15/2005 The Rid: Booooooring.
06/15/2005 TheBuyer: It isn't crappy, just slightly undercooked...working on it.
06/15/2005 TheBuyer (3.5): The gap between three and half and four stars still seems wide.
06/15/2005 The Rid (2): Became more and more disinterested in the short the more I read. By the time the pregnancy disappeared, this short had disappeared up its own butt.
06/15/2005 Jon Matza (5): Agree central 'this is where the magic happens' gag was semi-non-Olympiad & could've done w/out final one word graf. Liked the happy-go-lucky narrative tone. Liked 'knowinglier'. Always like unitards. Graf about the pea was choicemeat. Quality of the writing was pretty Sportsac in general, at least by today's degraded standards. In short, this is a five-star effort.
06/15/2005 Litcube: Five star effort a five star short makes?
06/15/2005 Jon Matza: Mortal as I am, I know that I am born for a day. But when I follow at my pleasure the serried multitude of the stars in their circular course, my feet no longer touch the earth.
06/15/2005 Litcube: The partisan, when he is engaged in a dispute, cares nothing about the rights of the question, but is anxious only to convince his hearers of his own assertions.
06/15/2005 Jon Matza: I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.
06/15/2005 Mr. Pony: I, Pony, am getting a boner from all the rhetoric.
06/15/2005 The Rid: A boner, Pony? How does it smell?
06/15/2005 Klause Muppet: Which is it? "they fucked and watched some TV" or "After fucking, Jennifer had gone home"? This will determine everything.
06/15/2005 TheBuyer: They fucked, watched some tv, she went home almost right away, I think.
06/15/2005 Litcube (4): The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, Klause. The text doesn't specify the length in time it took for Jenny to go home. And also, to be turned form one's course by men's opinions, by blame, and by misrepresentation shows a man unfit to hold an office.
06/15/2005 Jon Matza: Not everyone wants to hold an office, though...right, Disney?
06/15/2005 Klause Muppet: hey guy, just asking is all.
06/15/2005 Klause Muppet: but seriously... This will determine everything!!!!
06/16/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I like the last 'graph, especially because it's spoken with a wide-eyed raised-eyebrow open-mouthed half-smile. Actually, much of the short seems to be read in that manner. Good stupid details. I admit that it seems to be missing some crucial component needed to make the remainder of the journey home, but nevertheless, I declare this an 80% bloom!
06/16/2005 Mr. Pony: Good to see you back, scoop!
06/16/2005 Mr. Pony: Hi, scoop!
06/16/2005 qualcomm: told you it was no good, scoop.
06/16/2005 Mr. Pony: Wow, I think you attacked all three of us there.
06/16/2005 qualcomm: thank you
06/16/2005 Hitler (2.5): Although in the past I have often found qualcomm's freewheeling manner of thinking dangerous and unsettling, as well as unhealthy to the more important group dynamic, I couldn't agree more with him in this instance. One would have to retain the ability to think like a child to find any humor in the numerous jokes littering this piece of writing. So today qualcomm, you get my full endorsement. As does The Rid, but that should go without saying. He has had my, Hitler's, endorsement from day one.
06/16/2005 Mr. Pony: Hitler, I agree with your suggestion that I have more abilities than qualcomm.
06/16/2005 Jon Matza: Actually, Hitler's reaction is very much in character, given the Reich's well-known stance of distrust/disapproval towards 'decadent' art. Right, The Finch??
06/16/2005 W. Mark Felt: That is correct, Mr. Matza.
06/16/2005 Mr. Pony: This is sortaf weird. I'm gonna have a hard time getting used tio you, Felt.
06/17/2005 TheBuyer: Hammered much, bra?
06/17/2005 Mr. Pony: I don't see how
06/17/2005 Mr. Pony: finch
06/17/2005 Litcube: It's not Wed.
06/17/2005 Mr. Pony: There was a scheduling conflict. My apologies to all concerned.