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Yet she replied that she had already lust-partnered with Bug, the idiot stable boy who suffered from constant, unexplainable erections. Despite possessing an equine-proportioned phallus I often wondered what she saw in this drooling simpleton who was a fan of the basest street brawls and homosexual celebrity suicide gossip from the town crier. I chalked up Trellise's latest rejection as a revenge for my demonstrated ignorance in digital exhaust pipe dexterity on the previous Saturn's Day. Now with haste I had to locate a fluid-exchange partner lest I be condemned to a fiery fate. With carnalities a mere day following even second- and third-tier intercourse possibilities such as Enir the cross-eyed milkmaid, Hana the knob-gobbler's niece and the overweight hirsute virgin Marsele had long since expired. Thus on the eve of fornicativities, I was left partner-less, seemingly relegated to the iron barred monkey-spunkbox of degenerates, convicts and the wandering feeble-minded reflexive masturbators to spend the day in ritualistic mandatory pipe-clamping. Silently despairing alone in my shop, I received a most unexpected rap-tap-tapping on my knocker. Jobelle, the pock-marked town whore, whom I at first thought had come to ply her syphilitic ware on the tiled floor of my erotic curio shop and convenience mart, informed me of her similar predicament. Unattached as she was, her fate was similarly sealed made to join the writhing ranks of the elderly, widowed and leprous spent seed swallowing bukkake brigade stationed beneath the rubber performance mats of the activity ring. Normally, my tastes being those of a gentleman, I would have backhanded the filthy slut into the gutter, bashing her teeth in with the imported dual-ended Nubian dildo ribbed of course that I keep behind my counter. But the gravity of both our situations was not lost on me, dear reader! Feigning reluctance I feigned disinterested reluctance and agreed. The next day found me squatting fully engorged and smeared from head to toes with elephant pine grease, while waiting my turn to jackhammer the bejesus out of our fused genitalia. I steeled my member for insertion of the trollop the town affectionately referred to as "Cave Cunt", when from across the sheathed arena, I spied Trellise, ready to be mounted by the near-uncontrollable mongoloid quivering behind her soon-to-be-ruined flower. Bent over and drenched in sweat and lubricant she smiled a lop-sided, sinister grin at me and opened and clicked shut her jaw with a CLACK heard across the square. Her visage contorted and disturbing in its savage beauty, she commenced to laugh uncontrollably, shaking her ample bosom in her heaves. It was only then that I gathered the wherewithal to examine Jobelle's putrescent distended vagina. Plying apart the gooey lips of her snatch I beheld not one or two but a full set of jagged teeth, which instantaneously made clear the origins of my licentious companion's moniker. I understood why so many sailing men sought out this midnight's companion, and why so few returned for seconds.

Date Written: June 16, 2005
Author: Kenji X
Average Vote: 3.33333

06/21/2005 Will Disney: I'm going to read this one shortly!
06/21/2005 Klause Muppet: I've tried. But work is tooooo demanding right now.
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: There's a reason why people don't talk like this anymore!
06/21/2005 Will Disney: I like some of the sentences but I've had a tough day and can't dedicate the kind of attention this deserves yet.
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: Enjoyed this quite a bit...guilty pleasure. Question for aweuithuere: how does the vag dentata 'instantaneously make clear the origins of' Jobelle's moniker (assuming he's referring to 'cave cunt')? Does he mean her cooch-teeth are like stalagtites & stalagmites?
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, Matza, how come you don't vote anymore? Did I do something wrong?
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: The question is, why do you still vote?
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Because voting is another form of commenting, which I also like to do; a form similar to verbal comments, but distinct and valuable in its own right. It adds a gaming aspect while testing our honesty, and gives us a sense of one another as critics and as people. I don't understand. Are you trying to teach me a lesson?
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Wait, what do you mean, "still"? Did you come up with something cooler?
06/21/2005 Kenji X: Yes, Matza, your inferrence re: vag dentata is correct. Those are sharp gnashers in the lower mouth. I was considering adding a slippery, snakie-like tongue to the mix but reconsidered believing that to be over the top. Thanks for the liking.
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: "still"--i.e., now that voting's been discredited. By the way, I can't tell if you're really trying to engage me in this conversation or pretending to get indignant to ridicule certain others.
06/21/2005 John Slocum (5):
06/21/2005 John Slocum: I enjoyed this and respect it's muscular persistence.
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: Where were you Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete?
06/21/2005 John Slocum: Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete?
06/21/2005 qualcomm: wait, when was voting discredited?
06/21/2005 qualcomm: (pony's actually trying to engage you, by the way. he's taking this issue seriously. are you?)
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: How do you know?
06/21/2005 qualcomm: this thing is so sloppily written it's hard to know where to begin. also, it's a sweat act.
06/21/2005 qualcomm: i can't tell if you're actually asking how i know or if you're only pretending to ask how i know in order to elicit responses from me that will set in motion a chain of unforeseeable events resulting in the hoisting up of certain super-users by their own petards.
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: I believe you?
06/21/2005 qualcomm: no offense, author, okay. i'm really sorry.
06/21/2005 qualcomm: sorry to have read this boring crap, that is! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Jon, I am taking this issue seriously, but I feel you're trying to make a point.
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: Then why didn't you vote on the short?
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: What?
06/21/2005 TheBuyer: This is pretty good for jib induced superbabble. Good one.
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: OK, I was wrong. I'm sorry. What would you like me to do?
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Well, I'd ask you to answer my initial question, but I guess you did. You don't really feel that voting was actually discredited, though, do you? You're doing that thing where you feel like someone said that something you were doing was wrong, and so you are taking their criticism to heart in an extreme, but literal & logical manner, showing them that the core reasoning of their criticism was in error? What's the word for that? There should be a word for that. Anyway, I think it would be easier if you just came out and said what's on your mind; wouldn't you say, brother?
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: OK, here's my position. You asked me (falsely) why I didn't vote anymore (on a short no one, including you, had voted on). You asked if it--my alleged non-voting--meant that a) you had 'done something wrong' and b) I was trying to 'teach you a lesson'. These questions make so little sense to me I assume you can't possibly be serious, so I have "answered" them accordingly.
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Aw, man. Well, the question (why haven't you been voting) was actually genuine. I think I've been seeing you lately commenting both favorably and unfavorably on shorts without voting, something I'm not used to seeing you doing. Or not doing, I guess. Maybe I'm wrong, though, and you do that all the time. This was the reason for the silly parts of my question (the "this is somehow all my fault" part); to use silliness to take some of the heat out of a potentially uncomfortable situation. Ironically, this is a technique I learned from you!
06/21/2005 Templeton Dink: Well. This is very long and fairly well wrung. Author, I shall count you among my allies. We shall break the dishes of the massa and enjoy jazz music near a gum tree.
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: Oh, I see. On job now but will craft lush response in the near future...
06/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Okay.
06/21/2005 Kenji X: All this discussion about voting is going to have severely negative effects on my current five-star rating, I see the future and it is not good.
06/21/2005 Partytime (4.5): Kenji, I too see the future--and it's you kid. You got showbiz in your genes. No? Yes!! This piece has gusto and pizzazz. Newtopia sounds like some subconscious combo of Newton and his Principia. But how ironic that Newton was a strange prude who would have hated the debauched Newtopia, thus proving the veracity of Zeppelin's What is and What Should Never Be. And glorious inunction without compunction. 4.5 depite my uninterest in your disinterest. Monmouth Beach Bridge Club +++ Jersey Shore '94!!
06/21/2005 Jon Matza: Mr. Pony: I'll try to get around to this tomorrow. For now I'll say a) I remain unconvinced anyone "ought" to vote in general, and b) I'm alternately perplexed and amused by the tendency of those who do vote regularly (or pretend they do) to present their alleged voting consistency as a badge of honor, integrity, commitment, honesty, bravery, gutsiness, and/or credibility. Let me hasten to add, I don't wish to imply that these singular characters (some of whom are quite spirited!) lack such qualities...in fact, I'd venture so far as to say that some of them probably are seen to display some of these attributes frequently!
06/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Goddammit, what are you doing? I never suggested that I was more honorable than you because I voted on this short and you didn't (I didn't vote on this short), and I certainly never suggested that you were somehow less honorable than me because you didn't vote on it while I did (see above). I don't see why you feel the need to answer these charges that I haven't made, but I assure you; it is completely unnecessary! You yourself have made fun of my ability to vote "accurately"; and I certainly don't count myself among those select few whose tastes are perfectly aligned with the Universal Mean.
06/22/2005 Mr. Pony (2.5):
06/22/2005 Klause Muppet: i still haven't read this short.
06/22/2005 qualcomm: assuming your last comment was pretty much directed at me, matza: while i certainly suggested that you are more cowardly than i in those instances where you give people a pass on a low vote out of kindness (which i don't think you're doing here), i never said or implied that i was therefore honorable, integrity-ful, committed, honest, brave, gutsy, and/or credibile. just that you were acting cowardly. just as my repeated contention that sergio/tree/cyrus is an idiot in no way means i think i'm a genius; it just means i think he's an idiot. in other words, while a person who stabs someone in the chest for no reason is probably a psychotic asshole, not stabbing a guy in the chest for no reason doesn't make you a nice guy. i can provide more analogies if you still don't get this point. or, you can direct me to the comments where i non-jokingly claim to possess those qualities you say i brag about. also, this stuff you never answered.
06/22/2005 anonymous: If only H.M. and what's'ishead would show their faces, we'd have a full pattern!
06/22/2005 qualcomm (2): signs of talent, but it's sloppy, too long, and overall, an unoriginal example of a well-explored form. it's like listening to someone who was once funny, but whose brain has been eroded by 20 years of schizophrenia.
06/22/2005 Jon Matza: It's good to see you guys got your votes in finally. Things looked a little iffy there for awhile...but now users have a specific number to attach to the short, and the entire star system has become truer. Your efforts should prove a crucial time saver for those site visitors who decide whether to read shorts based on their average ranking. For example, those who refuse to read shorts below 3.6 will know to look elsewhere, whereas those anxious to read all shorts above 3.4 can tuck into this one without fear. Also, you had fun assigning the number, which is good, and the number you selected helped you express yourselves as artist-readers. Your vote has also illustrated your refusal to take part in cronyism. As for me I think I'll continue to wage my campaign against acme in general & the integrity of voting in particular by withholding my vote. In this way I'll achieve my sinister end of depriving the public of the accurate ratings it craves. On a personal level, I'm doing this for the sake of cronyism and because I'm a coward, and to spare the author's feelings, even though I liked the short. Also I get a charge out of trying to hide who I am as a person. But there's something else, too--a hidden motive at the heart of my non-voting you have yet to figure out. You are shrewd to have sensed this, having observed that I'm the only non-voter on this short. But you still haven't uncovered my most secret of reasons...
06/22/2005 TheBuyer: Four.
06/22/2005 qualcomm: hey, if you're not going to vote on anything, i'm fine with that. it was your voting on both non-brookline and brookline shorts that corrupted the star system before. but if you vote on neither, it shouldn't matter. by the way, i gave this short two stars not for its poor quality (as i admit my prior comment suggested), but for the author's poor citizenship, leaving acme as he did when it needed him most. my vote also reflects how well i know the author as a person, and what i think of his car.
06/22/2005 Universal Mean: Flip-flops are out for Summer 2005! But watch out for the reappearance of the button down, paisley vest without jacket for Fall!
06/22/2005 Jon Matza: QC: I don't want you to be just "fine with" me--that's not good enough. I want you to like, respect and admire me! What I'd propose is that in the future I vote on all shorts, but prior to submitting my future votes (and comments) I email them to you first so you can angrily point out why I'm wrong and explain what my subconscious motivations are. The system would be most effective if you could also tell me the correct opinion of the short and its number value, so that you don't have to get so angry about (and waste time exposing) my incorrectness and ulterior motives. In short, I want you to lead me. It's time for me to face facts: I can't think clearly and you can. I'm less capable than you of honesty or objectivity, and unwilling to strive for these things. I'm constantly swayed by personal considerations and you almost never are. I'm going to start by copying your vote on this short, even though I thought I liked it.
06/22/2005 Jon Matza (2):
06/22/2005 Universal Mean: My favorite color is beige!
06/22/2005 TheBuyer: I don't get it, what should I give this short? I can't read through the sarcasm, jesus this is tough...Pony, scoop, Slocum, Dis- you don't really vote, I guess...someone though, help me!
06/22/2005 Kenji X: Mommy, Daddy, please stop fighting. Are you getting a divorce? Ah, shit I knew this open debate business wasn't going to be good for my rating -- I'll be lucky to escape with anything above a three this time. But then, that's what the marketplace of ideas symbolises -- exhibit your wares and see who salutes. And for the record the author neither owns a car nor has citizenship to any specific nation or institution.
06/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, Matza, I think you're sort of overreacting to a simple question, but I don't get the sense that you're really talking to me. That's okay. I hope that this problem, whatever it is, can be hashed out clearly and fairly. qualcomm, I hope you're not reversing the equation and mistaking simple preference for cronyism. Isn't it reasonable that someone would find the work of a lifelong friend appealing? And aren't the familiar tones in the work of an artist who grew up in one's own regional culture going to be more pleasant to one's head ears? I mean, look how Snow rates your stuff!
06/22/2005 qualcomm: what do you mean? ewan isn't even among the top ten guests in terms of love for the work of qualcomm.
06/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Wow, and you're from the same town. He must totally hate you!
06/22/2005 TheBuyer (4): Four.
06/22/2005 Jon Matza: I am talking to you, Pony. More accurately, I'm speaking to you. Not the "you" I know from acme but the wiffle-bat wielding, in the flesh "you" who recently sired a baby Lurpa. What problem is this "you" referring to? What would an appropriate reaction to your question have been? As I interpreted it, "you"r question was less 'simple' than "you" subsequently made it out to be (& in fact was a 'loaded' question), given a) the familiarity I presume you have with the recent discussions about voting and b) its (your question's) underlying false assumption that I've stopped voting altogether. Now you could've asked a number of questions that were genuinely simple and free of implication....say, could I clarify my position on voting in general? Or, why do I seem to be voting less these days than in the past? Or, have my recent votes been in good faith and if not, why not? But "you" did not! In short, "you"r question was tainted with the non-righteous essence of salmonella and filth.
06/22/2005 Spacelord: Oh. Actually I'm not as familiar with that voting argument as you would think. I sort of haven't had a chance to sit down with it. Re-reading the opening comments of this conversation, though; I can see how a lot of our tones and meanings might have been misinterpreted by both of us, owing greatly to, as you suggested, the unclear nature of my initial question. When I hear you say that you took it to be a ridiculous and malicious attack on your integrity, the general tenor of the rest of our exchange makes much more sense to me. I hope that you can believe me when I explain my thought process: I saw you give two comments on two separate shorts. They were the sorts of comments that are usually accompanied by votes, as far as my casual observations of you seem to indicate. I was puzzled ("Hm!" I said to myself), and asked you about it--but my obvious overstating of the question led me to pad the query with the now infamous "Did I do something wrong". As I said earlier, this was intended to add a little silliness to soften the question's accusatory tone. What it did, apparently, was make an already unintentionally loaded-sounding question even more unintentionally loaded-sounding. Anyway, I hope we can agree to call this misunderstanding what it is, and I apologize to you for your troubles. At some point I will read that long voting argument, and then I will probably feel like an even bigger heel. Until then, please understand that while your actions are of interest and interesting to me, I am not trying in any way to impolitely influence them, or to make them in any way my responsibility.
06/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Okay, that would have come off as even more sincere if I hadn't been signed in as Spacelord, right?
06/22/2005 TheBuyer: It would have been way less funny, Mr. Space.
06/22/2005 Jon Matza: OK, Spacelord. Freeze dried-reconstituted Grolsch powder beverage?
06/22/2005 Spacelord: Have a care, Matza. Do not mock Spacelord. But okay.