home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Dear Mom, Dad and Betty, Well, I guess this is goodbye. Iím sorry for all the pain and agony I put you through these mere 15 years of my life. I tried to be good, to be what you wanted, to be the vessel into which you could pour your squandered hopes and dreams. But even at that I was a failure. Sorry to have failed at being both a racecar driver and the first woman to reach Mt. Everest. Of course, Iím neither a woman nor could I have been the first woman to ascend the worldís tallest peak since Ms. Junko Tabei of Japan had accomplished that feat some five years before I was born. But of course, Mom, it was probably your five-year pregnancy with me that aborted that dream, so I guess even before I was born, I was ruining things. I am sure nothing will stand in your way now that I am gone. And Dad, Iím sorry I was such a ďpussyĒ as you put it when I got hurt in that baseball game. Itís not like I meant to catch Larry Felsterís fly ball with my face, lodging my right eye into my skull giving me a lazy eye for life. And the doctor said technically when one loses consciousness reflexive incontinence tends to happen. But I guess it IS my fault that I never regained control over by bowels or bladder the next four years. I tried hard, I really did, but nothing came of it. Iím sorry to have earned the nickname Johhny Doo-Doo Pisspants. Iím sorry your co-workers at the office started calling you Mr. Doo-Doo Pisspants. Kids and adults can be so cruel, you know? So I wonít trouble you anymore. Iím flying away to where the unicorns roam free beneath peaceful skies filled with rainbows, to where Iíll know serenity and control over my bodily functions. So please donít cry for me, because Iím going to a better place. And Betty, thatís not my baby. Love, Johnny

Date Written: July 12, 2005
Author: Kenji X
Average Vote: 2.75

07/21/2005 Will Disney: Wait - is this Airea? No, because it's a guy, right?
07/21/2005 TheBuyer: Hahaha Johnny sucks at baseball what a fucking tool.
07/21/2005 Dick Vomit: Johnny is a fucking pussy. Let's do a little ol' skool dogpile on this runtish fairy. Thx.
07/21/2005 Litcube (3.5): Straight forward, effective for its aim. Mr. Doo Doo Pisspants.
07/21/2005 TheBuyer: The five year pregnancy thing is bad because it doesn't help this short to be in any way plausable (nor does his being accused of knocking up Betty). Fortunately fror the short it means Johnny was likely breastfeeding when he was five and is more of a complete douchehose spastic pantsshitter loser than before, but still, you couldhave just said he was breastfeeding when he was five or nine, or up until last week, etc.

07/21/2005 Mr. Pony (2): I think this thing suffers from a lack of focus. I've never been a fan of shorts that reduce themselves to simple lists of jokes. Even when the jokes themselves are funny, the lists seem seem to be engineered to draw undue attention to the author; and in my humble opinion, the jokes in this are a little clunky, especially the Everest joke you chose to open with. I'm sorry to go on like this, Author, but I wanted you to understand my vote.
07/21/2005 TheBuyer (2.5): Right, sorry, and some stars.
07/21/2005 Klause Muppet: Hey Author!
07/21/2005 anonymous: Hello, Klause Muppet.
07/21/2005 grandpa: You little pussy
07/22/2005 Dick Vomit: Who in the fuck is Kenji X? What's been going on around here? I've been in Idaho.
07/22/2005 qualcomm (3): wow, look! i'm giving something a higher rating than pony gave!
07/22/2005 Mr. Pony: communist