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My name is Fuckstrello “Bansai” Equestrienne de Vanderveen and I stock vending machines for a living. The machines on my route dispense a variety of concessions including gumballs, stickers and instant photos which cost $2.00 for a strip of four. I also stock machines that vend calling cards, laundry detergent, birdseed, candy, postage stamps, sanitary napkins and condoms in addition to other high quality products. I believe that my ability to maintain good relations with site managers has been the one of the most crucial elements of my success.
As a young man it was my aspiration to be a professional jockey. However it was not ultimately my fate to bring this goal to fruition. Perhaps you are wondering what factors most prominently figured in my inability to achieve this ambition? If so, my belief is that the absence of horses and riding equipment located in my geographical area as well as my body type (I am a tall, fat man) presented my most challenging obstacles. I admit it is possible certain other factors may have also played a role.
I sincerely hope the above statements will not make you think "here is a fellow who is dissatisfied with his portion in life." You may be surprised to learn that in certain areas it has been my destiny to enjoy remarkable good fortune. For example, I once discovered approximately forty one dollars behind a change dispensing machine. I considered purchasing a new clock with this money, but in the end I decided against doing so in favor of depositing the money into my personal savings account.
I have never shoplifted, 'freebased' drugs, committed perjury or taken part in other unlawful actions. I do not believe in God and I hope you will not not ask me to disclose my reasons (because they are private). Last June 17th I enjoyed my fifty-third birthday. I received five cards from well-wishers to acknowledge this occasion.
I endeavor to maintain physical fitness by walking 1 and 1/2 miles on a daily basis and tending to a small vegetable garden. Many individuals do not think of gardening as a strenuous activity. Yet it involves frequent bending motions and other movements that may tax or exert the muscles. It is also good for the digestion.
It is my sincere hope that you will not ridicule me or feel compelled to cast aspersions upon my profession.
Date Written: July 12, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.33333