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I fucked Derek Jeter once. I'm not Gay. I was just drunk. Well... drunk and I think I got caught up in the “celebrity “ of the thing. I was seduced by the aura of the great Derek Jeter. I met him and all I could see were those pinstripes the 26 championships and all that. I met him at a bar in the Bronx. I was drunk outta my head so I didn't notice him at first or if I did I had no idea it was Jeets. He looks nothing like he does on TV. First off he can't be taller than 5'6". Also, being bi-racial, I expected him to be olive skinned but in the bar he looked straight-up Hispanic. Most surprising was his full beard and many tattoos. These are the things you don't catch on the batter's box cam. In fact I wouldn't have known it was Jeter at all if it weren't for the fact he was wearing his Yankees jersey with his name “Jeter” clear as day right on the back. "Hey, Jeets, you're the man I'm gonna buy you a drink." Well, he took the drink and in return I got some crazy stories; not the kinds you'd expect though. I thought he'd tell me some tales of life in the BIG LEAGUES, the road, the bars, the women… but that night Derek preferred to talk about his stint in the BIG HOUSE. You forget these guys have lives outside of baseball. Jeter, for example, spent some time in prison for assault and while there he developed an appreciation for body art, Reggae Ton, and anal sex. The latter of which I was the unsuspecting beneficiary that night. After I took one for the team I asked Jeets if maybe I could get some tickets to a game. He told me to "Fuck off" claiming he couldn't afford tickets for hiself much less some slag he just met in a bar. Which was clearly bullshit. But I understand, what's he gonna say to his PR guy, "Can I get two box seats for some guy I fucked in the men’s room of a bar last night?" I haven't turned gay or anything since then and I know a lot of guys will give me heat for takin' one in the ass Jeets or not. But that's just because they don't know what it's like to stand in the presence of greatness. What can I say? I'm a Yankees fan.

Date Written: July 14, 2005
Author: Shane
Average Vote: 3.77778

07/22/2005 TheBuyer: Hey, good one!
07/22/2005 Partytime: Dude, are you gay?
07/22/2005 The Rid (2): 417 words and only one joke? C'mon.
07/22/2005 Will Disney: So, is this Ewan Snow or what?
07/22/2005 Dick Vomit (4): I appreciate sticktoitiveness in a one-note joke. Also, "Hiself."
07/22/2005 qualcomm (3.5): this was all right. but narrator, are you sure you're not Gay?
07/22/2005 Mr. Pony (4): See, I'm thinking that the distinction between "a joke" and "not a joke" is less clear. Also, I was going to 3.5 all over this, but I feel some extra credit is due for holding my attention through a fairly predictable tale and well-tread theme.
07/22/2005 qualcomm: why do you think this is ewan, disney?
07/22/2005 Litcube (4): Agreed. This held me captive even though I was pretty sure where it was going (I was given a map at the "START" sign by a man wearing a white cotton suit). Also, I like the flow of the sentence "Hey, Jeets, you're the man I'm gonna buy you a drink." I like how there was no comma after "man". That's awesome. 4.2479
07/22/2005 Litcube: You know what that sentence reminds me of? That Nutrigrain commercial. Anyone see that?
07/22/2005 qualcomm: you know what your comments remind me of? this movie. anyone ever see that?
07/22/2005 Turgid (4): I wish the end were a little better.
07/22/2005 Klause Muppet (4): "I feel great!"
07/22/2005 Shane: This short gets a lot better if you add the line "...and who knew Jeter was such a big fan of Tony Danza?"
07/22/2005 Shane: (Please note that my previous comment represents a thought bubble)
07/22/2005 Shane: {Please note that my previous comment, this comment, and any future comment made by the mute cowboy who is both Shane and me, myself, both and all do also represent thought bubbles)
07/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Say, Shane, you didn't properly close your thought bubble there. Are you trying to take credit for all of the comments on this short?
07/25/2005 Jawbreaker (4.5): I thought this kicked ass! Nice one Shane!
07/25/2005 Poop (4): Poops.