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"Thanks for doing this on such short notice, Mike," said Dr. Bailey.

"Yes," chimed in Mrs. Bailey, "Jillian canceled a date last week for us, so we didn't want to ask her to do that again."

"It's cool," I said. Cocksuckers. Their kid was okay, though. He slept most of the time. And I needed the money to take out Jeannie Ferraro next Friday. But they also had that tard, Susan. She was weird. What kind of 16-year-old can't watch her own brother?

The Baileys left. I put little Steven down after dinner. Then Susan the Tard came in. Christ.

"Hi, Mike," she said.

"Hi, Tard," I answered.

Her face fell, the dumb bitch. Her eyes were so close together that it was like her left eye was her right eye and her right eye was her left eye.

"I'm not a tard!" she yelled. "I have Down Syndrome!" She ran from the room, crying.

That explained a few things. She was always more eloquent than the average tard, who sounded like, "Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!" whereas Susan could form complete sentences and eat with a knife and fork.

I went up to her room and poked my head in the door. "Hey, Susan," I said. "Sorry I always make fun of you. I shouldn't do that."

"Well, I'm still angry at you."

"How can I make it up to you?"

"You could fuck me."

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Make love to me like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes."

She stood up and approached me, the moonlight bouncing off her elfin ears. I knew I should run, but the way she looked into my eyes so tenderly, I kissed her. She kissed back, and it was good. No elephant tongue or anything, just soft and sweet.

After we made love, I felt something happening to me. Like chromosome 21 was doubling up. "Ack!" I screamed. I ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror. With horror I saw my eyes getting closer together and my ears getting pointier. My brain started slowing down, just a little bit, and I felt a need to wear track suits.

"Susan!" I yelled. "What's happening?"

Susan walked into the bathroom carrying little Steven. She looked normal. Like Kelly Preston, but hotter.

"What is it, Mike?" she asked. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"No!" I said. "What's going on? Why are you like that?"

"Mike, everything's okay. I have to put Steven down, but we can talk about it later before your parents get here. Okay, tard?"

My elf ears pricked up. "What?"

She smirked and I saw a glimmer of evil in her eyes. "I said, 'Okay, tard?' You think you could hear with those extra pointy ears." She cackled as she left the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror and started sobbing uncontrollably.

Date Written: July 25, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 4.3

07/27/2005 Partytime (4): I dig this unpretentious modern day Grimm's fairytale thing.
07/27/2005 Will Disney: A guy has to be careful these days. I liked this one, but must re-read because of all the words.
07/27/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I'm not saying that this is without problems. There are a lot of potential characters introduced early on. The smirk behind the track suits joke. And what exactly does the doubling of chromosome 21 feel like? But these are minor concerns. I liked this story.
07/27/2005 The Rid: Is this a lost episode from "Life Goes On"? Is that the show?
07/27/2005 Mr. Pony: The one with Chris and Bob Elliot?
07/27/2005 The Rid: I think that was "Get a Life."
07/27/2005 Klause Muppet: Author, this short made me feel sick to my stomach.
07/27/2005 TheBuyer: I'm with Klause, we should be concentrating on other disabled people like minorities and fags, all these retard jokes are killing the genre.
07/27/2005 Litcube: Re this short: I'm 1 hour away from hangin' by the pool with a retardedly hot chick from work.
07/27/2005 Klause Muppet: Don't disclose too much Litcube. I'm listening.
07/27/2005 Litcube: It's just the names, dude. What's in a name?
07/27/2005 TheBuyer: Does D.Syndrome typically cause a person to have elfy ears, or is this some kind of...I want to say mage-tard but that's not the word I'm looking for.
07/27/2005 qualcomm: i believe the term is retard/cleric, buyer
07/27/2005 TheBuyer: Right, thanks.
Does D.Syndrome typically cause a person to have elfy ears, or is this some kind of retard/cleric buyer?
07/27/2005 anonymous: I continue to leave that unexplained, buyer.
07/27/2005 Jawbreaker (4): Wow... 2 shorts in one day that made me vote!
07/27/2005 Klause Muppet: Interesting comment, Buyer. A physical characteristic of down syndrome is abnormally shaped ears, but I'm not a 100% sure about the elfish type. I know there is another developmental disability (less common than down syndrome) that does create elfish type ears. I think it's an off shoot of downs. Hmmm...
07/28/2005 Litcube (4.5): Well done, Rid. This was osim. One of your better ones. Tightly wrapped story, here.
07/28/2005 The Rid: Thank you, Litcube.
07/29/2005 Kenji X (5): This is fucking ART you Philistines, ART Goddamnit. Revenge is a dish best served 'tarded. Fuck it, five.
04/1/2006 Master Bates: good!