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The city had ordered all tenants in the slum to vacate by noon. Everyone adhered to the eviction, except Eduardo Sanchez and his retarded son, Jefe. "You can not force us out!" yelled Eduardo from the window. "This is our home! Jefe and I are a-staying!" Jefe poked his head out the window and yelled, "ˇTengo un pene torcido!" Below, the Chief-of-Police and the Mayor cracked up. The Mayor said, "Get the tard out and then level the place. The father can stay or go." The Chief-of-Police said, "But sir, we can't just let some unemployed Mexican die! Let's arrest him." "Do what you gotta do with the father, Donnelly, but bring the tard 'round to the mansion. My niece and her 12-day-stupid son are in town. All the kids in the playground make fun of him, but I have a feeling this tard and him'll get along." Later, a patrolman dropped off Jefe at The Mayor's house. "Jake," said The Mayor to the 12-day-stupid kid, "This is Jefe. His father died in a building demolition this morning. Have fun." "Hi," said Jake. He didn't talk much, but he could play guitar. "This is Lilah Lowenstein," he said and pointed to the Telecaster. Jefe smiled. "ˇHola, Lilah Lowenstein!" he yelled. He reached out to touch the Telecaster, but Jake smacked his hand away. "Dude, she's not used to strangers!" yelled Jake. He tackled Jefe and they went at it, rolling around, kicking, biting, punching. At some point, Jefe shouted, "ˇLos precios del petróleo están subiendo más arriba y no hay rotura en vista!" The Mayor and his niece ran into the room where Jake and Jefe fought. "What about the oil?" said The Mayor. "What?" The niece shouted, "My God, Uncle Mayor, stop them!" He replied, "Are you kidding? It's a tard fight! Jefe, bite his nuts!"

Date Written: August 15, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 3.28571

08/18/2005 Kenji X: Why am I awake at 4:18 a.m. reading this short? My eyes must be buggy because I thought half of it was in Spanish.
08/18/2005 Will Disney: Quite enjoyable!
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: What's 12-day stupid?
08/18/2005 anonymous: Mr. Pony, imagine if you had been riding in the flatbed of a pickup in rural Indiana. Now imagine that the gate opened and you fell out. Now imagine that the resulting head trauma left you in a coma for 12 days. Now imagine you came out of the coma and were a little slow, but had a real gift for guitar. That, my friend, in the context of this short, is 12-day stupid.
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: In that case, I put this picture under the wrong short.

08/18/2005 anonymous: TheBuyer, that's scary accurate.
08/18/2005 Dick Vomit: Scary accurate? That's not a Telecaster.
08/18/2005 anonymous: Right, DV, I meant the guy, not the guitar, which looks like a Les Paul.
08/18/2005 Dick Vomit: I KNOW WHAT YOU MANTE
08/18/2005 anonymous: I'm glad you knew what I MANTE.
08/18/2005 Eliza: Why do you think you knew what I MANTE?
08/18/2005 Your Father: You wanna see what a man's MANTE looks like? i'll smack the face offa your fuggin MATNE.
08/18/2005 anonymous: His MANTE or his MATNE?
08/18/2005 Your Father: MATNE MANTE FUGGOFF...who do you think you're talking to? mister, i'll fuggin push you so far back into your mother you'll be FORTY before you see the light of fuggin day.
08/18/2005 anonymous: Dad, I think you're in the wrong short feedback section.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: I am contemplating the value of the first six paragraphs of this short.
08/18/2005 anonymous: Meaning, in your opinion, the short becomes crap after those six paragraphs, or the short could start at graf 7?
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: I'll never get used to the cross-examination style Rid's comments take sometimes.
08/18/2005 The Rid: My comments? What are you talking about?
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: Either this author is you or he's doing his "Rid asking questions" impersonation.
08/18/2005 The Rid: Hey, maybe the author is me! Maybe not, though.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: WooooooOOOOOO! Whooooooo caaaaares?!?! Anyway, author, yes, I think this could have easily started from a slightly-modified seventh paragraph. Also, I'm not sure if this "12-day stupid" thing is common enough to expect folks to get. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Is it slang commonly used by mayors?
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Rid, qualcomm just IM'ed me and told me to stop picking on you. Just so you know.
08/18/2005 The Rid: Tell qualcomm thanks, Mr. Pony!
08/18/2005 Jawbreaker (4.5): Bite his nuts! Bite his nuts!
08/18/2005 anonymous: Pony, I wanted to write a short that started as one thing (a building demolition) and then maybe turned into a friendship thing (the tards playing together) but ended with the tards fighting. I originally had the Mayor and Chief-of-Police visiting a whorehouse before the demolition and the Mayor fucking his niece after the tard fight. I wanted it to go on and ramble and not quite end where it was supposed to end. Maybe it didn't work? Dunno. I like it. As for the 12-day stupid gag, I thought I could explain it as I did below, but thought it was just funnier if the kid was twelve days stupid - no explanation.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Jawbreaker, I'm not sure if that's an appropriate way to thank someone.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm asked me to tell you all that he will only comment on Acme through me from now on.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm: I have a chess piece up my butt; a bishop.
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: Mr. Pony, would you mind terribly asking qualcomm a question for me? I'm having trouble rating this short and if he could provide me with some critisisms/comments and a rating it would be greatly appreciated not only by me, but I'm sure by the entire community. My only regret is that his input will do nothing to assist those poor people who are being evicted from their homes of thirty years in Gaza.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm: oh! oh! i'm qualcomm, i'm the stupidest author on acme! oh! i think i'm so great! that is my message. say that without changing anything. it will make you look like a jerk. ha ha
08/18/2005 qualcomm: i hereby relieve pony of his doodies. he has modified my important comments.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Whew, that was getting stressful.
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: None of this is helping me "think", please input instruction.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm: graf 2 is a fine short all by itself
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: Author, the second paragraph could stand alone as a short with the right polishing. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing yet.
08/18/2005 anonymous: Hi, guys! There seems to be a lot of debate about this short.
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: Author: Yes, well spotted.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Author, I'm not sure how many of these comments below are actually about the short. I don't mean any offense by this, but it's a bit of a stretch to call all this nonsense "debate about this short". Do you know what I mante?
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: Ok, seriously now: I'm bored with tards, retards, spazzies, mental deficiencies, developmental disabilities, atrophied limbs, lobotomy, midgets, mongoloids, rubberheads, droolers, dribblers, the short bus, helmets, wheelchairs, crutches, hearing aids, AIDS, jaundice, scurvy, the flue, jock itch, gimps, fags, catharsis, and Penelope Cruz. Also, I think the last line is bad. The setup would be pretty good if it weren't for the tard part; as if being Latin weren't a hard enough hurdle to clear in this day and age he had to be a nut-biting retard too. Well thank you for your efforted attempt to make [this reader] laugh, it is appreciated, but I will not rate your short at this time because of the noted reasons and several other reasons which I imagine will be loaded into my Opinion Card shortly. Thank you.
08/18/2005 anonymous: I think if you remove lines 1-2-4 and 5 then re write everything else so that Jefe screws the niece while the 12 day tard gives the mayor head it would still be bland.
08/18/2005 qualcomm: maybe if you called him a spictard
08/18/2005 anonymous: Anon_user_a is a cowardly homosexual retard.
08/18/2005 anonymous: I am neither a coward nor a homosexual. However I am forbidden by the courts to argue my tardation. I may or may not be a tard...the judge has not ruled.
08/18/2005 anonymous: I fucked a rusty hole in a Toyota Tercel. Is that gay or retarded?
08/18/2005 anonymous: why does everyone have a thing for ricers..christ even the tards are fucking asian cars now.
08/18/2005 anonymous: I fucked a Jetta too.
08/18/2005 anonymous: European is fine. Right QC?
08/18/2005 TheBuyer (3): morons
08/18/2005 qualcomm: i'm not really bored with retards, but if you're going to pick such an easy target (as i myself have on a number of occasions), you just can't use the word "tard" and expect to get a laugh. you should in fact expect the opposite. it's a boring, unoriginal, bully's insult, the type of thing nelson from the simpsons would use. when i see that word, i automatically think much less of the author's intelligence and taste. go fuck yourself, author, and i hope your ugly future wife gives birth to retarded triplets.
08/18/2005 anonymous: Hey, qc, fuck you, too!
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm makes a hell of a point.
08/18/2005 anonymous: The character of The Mayor is the one who keeps calling Jefe a tard. If you notice, The Mayor is an ass from top to bottom. The narrator/author does refer to Jefe as "retarded" (not an insult but a statment of fact) and Jake as twelve days stupid, but that's because Jake is twelve days stupid, which is quite different from being retarded. I'm not throwing the word "tard" out there for the sake of throwing it out there. You'll notice only one character uses it and he's an idiot. Now, you may or may not find it funny, but I didn't stick the word in there to get a laugh in and of itself. btw, qc, you are nothing on this site if not a bully. Cunt.
08/18/2005 qualcomm: i'm not faulting you or your narrator for being a bully, author. i'm faulting your story for relying on an unoriginal schoolyard taunt to get laughs. i really don't care if you call retarded people tards in real life, or whether you hate retards in real life, etc. - i'm judging this story you put up on acme, and it feels like you're using the word tard to get laughs. i did consider, believe it or not, the fact that it's a character in your story saying tard, but in this case it doesn't really seem to matter. you want us to laugh at that character, and his tard-saying antics. it's too easy. that's why i impugned your intelligence and taste - not because the use of "tard" makes you a bully, but because it indicates a tin ear for language and humor.
08/18/2005 anonymous: I was using the phrase 12 days stupid for laughs, not "tard." I suppose I could have written "Eduardo Sanchez and his son, Jefe, who was a little slower than most kids," or "Jefe, who lacked a part of the brain that etc.," but I didn't. I never really laughed at Jefe - I laughed at The Mayor, who always seemed more easily subject to ridicule. On a slightly related note, qc, do you comment much on shorts that you like? Or do you just tell everyone how stupid they are when they write a short you don't like (or find the writing lazy, or the jokes easy, etc.)? I'm not trying to pick a fight. I'm just asking.
08/18/2005 Dick Vomit (3): Three-ing is my new thing.
08/18/2005 Kenji X: Holy shit, is IS half in Spanish. Tard. Ha ha! Cheap fucking laugh, here's another one: booger. Ha ha!
08/18/2005 TheBuyer: hahaha booger.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: I can't speak for qualcomm (ha ha) but if a short is good, there's less to say. Much harder to point out why something's funny, and more pointless. If something's funny, it's funny. If it's not, it's worth deconstructing; for the benefit of all.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony (2.5): As for this short, I am not fond of it. It meanders in a way that helps nobody, and I find the author's intent ("I wanted it to go on and ramble and not quite end where it was supposed to end") to be more than a little flawed. I agree with qualcomm's point, directed at Matza though it may be. I liked the moment between the two boys and the telecaster (paragraph nine).
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: Hey, I'm happy to keep playing this game just as long as you are, chum. Disney: suspend "browse shorts by # of comments" indefinitely.
08/19/2005 qualcomm: too late, matza: pony agrees with me.
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: Was one of your points actually "directed at" me? I assumed that was just Pony-mischief.
08/19/2005 Mr. Pony: I apologise to both of you if I was wrong about that.
08/19/2005 Klause Muppet (4): author, don't you mean Jeffery? i adore stories that start in one place and end somewhere completely different. i thought this particular story did a nifty job of that. 2.54432399 rounded up.
08/19/2005 Dick Vomit: that rounds up to 3, chum.
08/19/2005 Klause Muppet: Thanks pal
08/19/2005 TheBuyer: Dick, I think that's what he MANTE.
08/19/2005 qualcomm: matza: no, it wasn't directed at you. i realized as i was writing it that the argument was shaped very much like our argument earlier this week (and i considered noting as much), but that's just how the cookie crumbled. or, less likely, the rid was purposely using arguments similar to yours to elicit said responses from me!
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: How was my argument similar to the Rid's? I don't see it.
08/19/2005 qualcomm: he called me an acme bully after i accused him of using the unoriginal bully's insult of "tard" for laughs. you harped on my extra-acme misogynist/fratty barroom antics after i faulted your vaginosis short for relying on unoriginal fratty/misogynist jokes.
08/19/2005 TheBuyer: I've been waiting for Rid to expand on that 'bully' comment, I don't see what he's referring to.
08/19/2005 Dylan Danko: ...and we're off!
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: OK, I see it. The arguments were similar in that you used the same defense both times.
08/19/2005 qualcomm: listen, why can't you just admit that you're the rid?
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: Now you're being a meningynist.
08/19/2005 qualcomm: also, what do you think of this short? and its use of tard?
08/19/2005 The Rid: Well, I'd say that I'm Jon Matza, but no one would believe that! Buyer, in a response to your wish to have me explain my bully comment, please refer to Matza's defense of his Vaginosis short. In truth, I was referring to something Snow wrote. I'll see if I can find it.
08/19/2005 TheBuyer: Oh, of course, that. Maybe if you stopped baiting him all the time, hmm?
08/19/2005 anonymous: Here it is, Rid.
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: QC: you mean you're not going to explain how my & the rid's--arguments were similar? (Your summary of them implies that they are w/out illustrating how.) Re "please refer to Matza's defense of his Vaginosis short"--what does this mean? I don't think I ever tried to defend that short, did I? Re this short: don't care for it, agree 'tard' is exhausted/no longer funny in itself. Also, I don't get the line "'What about the oil?' said The Mayor. 'What?'"
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: Actually, on second thought I do see the connection you're making. But in the case of the misogyny/frat debate I think the hypocrisy charge still stands, unless you think your drunken bar antics qualify as original humor.
08/19/2005 Jon Matza (1.5): Therefore, I have no choice but to give your real life behavior 1.5 stars!
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: Disney: please transfer those stars into QC's quarterly average!
08/19/2005 The Rid: Matza, you're correct. A quick perusal of the 2nd Vaginosis short revealed that you, indeed, did not defend it. Mr. Pony offered an interpretation, and you defined a "fraternity," but as for the short, you took the high road.
08/19/2005 The Rid: Wait, did I read that right, Matza? Are you starring qc?
08/19/2005 Dylan Danko: Matza, this is a serious question. Are you saying that one's behaviour on acme and one's behaviour in the real world should be treated equally or similarly?
08/19/2005 Dylan Danko: Didn't mean to betray my nationality, there.
08/19/2005 anonymous: (): I don't think this is a very good controversy. I think the comments are a little half-hearted. And so, a half-star!
08/19/2005 anonymous: (): I tend to agree, but I think the short itself is worth four stars.
08/19/2005 anonymous: whoops!
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: I don't know if I'd go that far, but I just find it less than 100% fruit content (or at least peculiar) to be repeatedly accused of & taken to task for the supposedly unoriginal/"fratty"/misog sensibility of some of my shorts by a frat brother whose social behaviours seem to cross over into the same territory on a periodic basis.
08/19/2005 Dylan Danko: If you have been repeatedly taken to task for those things, I think that it's not only wrongheaded but also a crime against acme.
08/19/2005 qualcomm: matza, i'm no longer sure if you're at all serious about that hypocrisy charge, but anyway, my answer here. i had to cut it into two messages because it was too long.
08/19/2005 qualcomm: also, i am not a frat brother, brother.
08/19/2005 Jon Matza: Sure, brother [flashes secret 'platypus' signal]
08/19/2005 Shane (4.5): {whoooooppeeeeeeeeee}