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Hello ladies and germs, as well as male humans. It sure is moral to be here tonight. How is everyone doing? Are you well? I said, “How is everyone doing tonight?” Hey, is this thing on? Excuse me folks, um hey Turk? Turk? Can you give me a thumbs up if the microphone and sound system are functioning properly? OK? OK. Great. Alright. Where was I… So I flew in to town this morning, and my arms are killing me. What are you laughing at? No. I’m serious. I have the ability to fly. I have hollow bones and deformed back musculature that allows me to fly five to seven meters above the ground depending on variable wind vectors. I often fly when I go from town to town performing my comedic act; it allows me to save money that I can later invest in a reliable mutual fund. Speaking of my comedic act, I would start if you would be quiet for a second. By the way a funny thing happened on my way to the club tonight. By funny, I mean strange and almost spiritually coincidental. I ran into an old friend. I don’t think he’s going to make it. He was listed in extremely critical condition. He was out in the middle of the street for some reason as I was reaching to turn the dial on my rental car radio looking for different programming possibilities when I heard a thump. When I checked to see what happened, I found my old pal Joey Liska. We often listened to the radio together in our youth. I hadn’t seen him in forever! He had blood running from his mouth. What’s so funny? He might die. So where was I…ah, take my wife. Please. She has become hopelessly depressed with me after nearly ten years of my same shtick. We amble through our desiccated daily lives like zombies pantomiming real people, with real goals and real feelings. She asked as a last favor that she come with me so she could start a new life in a new town with new people. You know, start fresh. What’s so funny? What the hell’s so funny? We’re talking about the disintegration of my marriage here. Hey assholes, stop laughing. Seriously. I said shut up.
Date Written: August 19, 2005
Average Vote: 4