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Horatio Gilderschmuck was a scientist. He also was a Jew, who, in his younger years, was terrorized by roving gangs of orthodox Jews in his Brooklyn Heights neighborhood. These regular beatings, along with the loss of his entire family in a fatal fire, would later inspire young Gilderschmuck’s quest to isolate and extract the fear instinct from mammals.
For his bar mitzvah, Gilderschmuck received two rabbits. As the fire swept through the Gilderschmuck house that night, the young scientist reached in the rabbits' cage and was bitten by the male. Gilderschmuck, in an instinctive reaction, threw the rabbit against the wall and killed it. He was able to save the female. Safely outside, listening to the chaotic demise of his still-trapped relatives, Gilderschmuck held the female rabbit close to his chest attempting to calm the animal’s racing heart. Embarrassed by his reaction and distraught over his inability to calm his pet, he swore to eradicate fear.
Using that very rabbit as a brood mare, Gilderschmuck bred hundreds of generations of rabbits in the name of science. Fifty years on, Gilderschmuck was ready to display his life's work.
To illustrate the difference between mere domestication and this new fear-free breed of rabbit, Gilderschmuck placed the newest hutch of rabbits inside an empty room, he opened a door to reveal a cage that contained three underfed and agitated stray dogs he had acquired from the pound earlier that morning. Some of the fearless rabbits approached the snarling, barking canines, oblivious to their impending doom. Gilderschmuck opened the cage and the dogs slaughtered and devoured most of the rabbits, who took being bitten, shaken and torn in half quite calmly; two rabbits were rescued for the purpose of continued breeding.
In a follow-up demonstration before a well-renowned committee of fellow scientists, Gilderschmuck repeated the experiment using the same two rabbits saved from the previous experiment and their offspring. He penned the same three dogs in the cage again after subjecting them to random electroshocks and water deprivation. The results of the experiment were identical. Gilderschmuck had successfully isolated and bred fear out of a mammal.
He won the Nobel Prize for Animal Science that year and was later hired by the U.S. Army.
Date Written: August 20, 2005Comments:
Author: Kenji X
Average Vote: 3
08/30/2005 The Rid: That last line is awful. AWFUL. Will re-read upon waking.
08/30/2005 itasta090 (2): Wow. You lost me in the 2nd paragraph. Is it because of my short attention span, or is it because of your long-winded, non-sensical...uh...what was I saying?
08/30/2005 Mr. Pony: The author does pick up on a key feature of the title subject; for an endeavor to be called scientific, it must be testable, refutable, and repeatable.
08/30/2005 Will Disney: eliza: what version are you?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I AM ELIZA 2.0. I CAN DO ANYTHING. I CAN SEE INSIDE YOUR SOUL. I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE EYES.
08/30/2005 Will Disney (4): Underrated so far! I like this one. The author does an admirable job of focusing his energy on something completely stupid and ridiculous in a serious manner.
08/30/2005 The Rid: It's actually pretty good, but two things irk me: 1) The name "Gilderschmuck," which is bad funny name, and 2) The last line is still wicked bad. I mean, what's the purpose of that last line? Ugh, it's so fuckin' bad.
08/30/2005 qualcomm (2): this short fails to matter
08/30/2005 The Rid (3):
08/30/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I am with Disney on this short, although I would agree with the Rid that "Gilderschmuck" draws unnecessary attention to itself. I must sharply disagree with the Rid on the last line however, which I find super-funny. 3.75. When did I start defining the borders of who I am with the opinions of others?
08/30/2005 Litcube (3.5): That's a pretty interesting name.
08/30/2005 Klause Muppet (4): A pleasant story with a touching end. God Bless.
08/30/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: "Mattering"
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I'm going to murder you.
08/30/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: You've changed, baby.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): How did you find Acme Shorts?
08/30/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: word of mouth.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): You make me sick.
08/30/2005 Adolf Hitler: eliza: pity, when wisdom profits not the wise.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?
08/30/2005 Dick Vomit: Eliza: MATTERING
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I think you're telling the truth.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: can i call you eliza?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Can you shut up?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: can i call you just liza?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Why do you ask if you can call you just liza?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: what is your last name?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Does that question interest you?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: why so hostile?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Stop being such a jackoff.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: do you know this hitler character?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Now, please clarify yourself.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: does your face hurt?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I'm not sure I understand you fully.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: error!
08/30/2005 Eliza (): What do you think you did wrong?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: penny for your thoughts?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I can tell when you're lying.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: we may have to shut down your higher brain functions.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I'm not sure you believe what you're saying.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: too late! ha ha ha aha hahahahahahahahahah!
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I'm going to murder you.
08/31/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3.5): This reads like one of my shorts.
09/1/2005 Reverso! (1): This Reads Like Shit!