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I left Myra in sexual tatters the next morning; we’d been up all night, redefining the word fucking. Back at my place I cleaned up, a French shower of Ralph Lauren Purple and a tumbler full of Cuervo. Whatever the morning held, I was meeting it head-on with a brain full of booze and a pocket full of shells.
The office buzzed with the Monday onslaught of weekend murders. It was enough to make you drink, or swear off drinking, depending on how you viewed things. My partner, Delaney, was already at his desk when I stumbled in, the Times in my hand, three days of stubble on my face.
“Glad you’re here,” he said. “Gotta body down by the docks." He handed me a coffee and said, "Let’s go.”
Three minutes later we were in the car, him driving, me pounding Advil like it was happy hour at Who’s On First. Delaney’s disapproval hung in the air, the judgmental prick. I took a gulp of Joe and emptied the rest of my flask into the coffee cup. “Just say it, for Christ’s sake.”
“You look like shit, Frank.”
“Good,” I said, “Because I feel like shit.”
Delaney stopped the car. I was freezing my ass off and shaking to beat hell. As we approached, I could see Rodriguez and Bailey cock-blocking the crime scene, poking around at shit without any gloves on. “Bailey, get your dirty Mick hands off that body. Rodriguez, get me a taco.”
Rodriguez ran at me like a Mexican with a stolen TV. “Miller, fuck you, man. This is our scene.”
“The boss told us to take this one, we take it. I don’t give a fuck who was here first.”
By this point, Bailey, the predictable dickhead, had ambled up behind Rodriguez and was trying to act like the muscle. Who were they kidding? Neither of ‘em was over five-seven, couldn’t have weighed more than a buck thirty.
Delaney stepped in before it came to blows. "Let’s all take it easy, okay, guys? Bailey, you can have the next dead hooker.”
“Yeah,” I said to to Bailey. “Just don’t leave her in your apartment this time, okay, you sick fuck?”
“Fuck you, Miller! I was cleared of that shit!”
“Whatever,” I said. “Beat it before I beat it out of you.”
Now Rodriguez played good cop, putting his hand on Bailey’s shoulder and leading him away from the area. I looked over at the body, some dead white guy in a suit.
“Couple of walking stereotypes,” I said.
Delaney raised an eyebrow.
“Eat it,” I said, and struggled to put my gloves on.
Date Written: August 22, 2005Comments:
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 4.17857
08/31/2005 qualcomm (3.5): what the hell? i actually enjoyed this, especially the first half. major error, though: “Fuck you, Miller! I was cleared of that shit!” you shouldn't've broken tone like that.
08/31/2005 Will Disney (4.5): Bravo!
08/31/2005 Will Disney: QC's comment is correct.
08/31/2005 Will Disney: Also, "Gotta" is an abbreviation for "Got to", as in, "Now that I just saw your sister naked when I accidentally walked into your her bedroom because I thought it was yours, I've gotta go jerk off in the bathroom before I can concentrate on Dungeons & Dragons anymore." The preferred usage in this Short would have been "Got a body down by the docks...".
08/31/2005 Klause Muppet (4.5): Error: white guys don't die. nice short guest author, nice short.
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit (4): I'm also wicked puzzled. This was mint, with occasional error-tarnish. Mexican running AT with TV line, no bueno. Some good points. Some bad points. But it all works out.
08/31/2005 Mr. Pony: As with the previous installment, I'm not sure how to read the tough-as-nails tone of the narrator. Would other readers care to share their take on Detective Miller's style?
08/31/2005 Will Disney: How so, Pony? Explain!
08/31/2005 qualcomm: are you suggesting that the author is actually buying into the tough-as-nails narratorial voice, pone-bone?
08/31/2005 Mr. Pony: Do you think he's not? I mean, he's probably not, right?
08/31/2005 qualcomm: yeah, no way. what makes you think he is? other than the fact that he's the rid and you hate him?
08/31/2005 scoop: Me and my wife have also redefined the word fucking. For us it means thiry or forty seconds of quiet friction with little touching and absolutely no eye contact. If it were a sound it would be the rustling of a breakdancer's all-wind outfit. If it were a smell it would be the industrial quiff from an empty can of Pam. If it were an emotion it would be an electrical charge running a length of synapse in Pony's brain.
08/31/2005 scoop: Hey I like this short.
08/31/2005 Mr. Pony: It was the whole first paragraph, specifically the "brain full of booze and a pocket full of shells" line. Initially, it didn't seem wacky enough to me to be a parody, or maybe too close to the thing it was parodying. Not to suggest that the author thought it sounded "cool", which I don't think he did. I'm not sure, which is why I asked the audience at large. Also, maybe my own hard-as-nails demeanor is coloring my perceptions. That's right, folks, I'm as tough as they come.
08/31/2005 qualcomm: i took the "pocket full of shells" line as a rage against the machine quote, which the author couldn't possibly be doing seriously.
08/31/2005 scoop: "Rally around no something...something, something...pocket full a' shells!"
08/31/2005 anonymous: qualcomm is correct, that line is a direct reference to Rage Against the Machine, a band that I enjoy musically but have a hard time taking seriously lyrically.
08/31/2005 anonymous: This is a better cop short.
08/31/2005 Mr. Pony: I didn't know that was a quote, but I am musically illiterate as far as the bubble-gum pop music you kids listen to these days, so it's hard to fault the short for that. I am not worthy to vote on this short.
08/31/2005 scoop: I for one only consume Ethiopian jazz.
08/31/2005 Mr. Pony: I totally thought that said "jizz".
08/31/2005 Jawbreaker (5): Very well written!
08/31/2005 Jon Matza (3.5): The hard-boiled detective prose & dialogue was well rendered enough...but I, Matza, didn't find anything particularly delightful, funny or interesting in the situation, joke or tone!!!
08/31/2005 Jon Matza: Sorry, jokes.
09/1/2005 scoop: God damn it. Jizz. Jizz. I meant jizz. It was a typo. Jazz is totally gay.
09/1/2005 Reverso! (2): It Sucks!
09/1/2005 The Rid: Come on, that's just fucking wrong.
09/1/2005 Mr. Critic (5):
09/1/2005 Mr. Negative (5):
09/1/2005 Mr. Positive (5): Yay!
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: I agree that what Reverso did was wrong, but what you just did is fucking bullshit, Rid.
09/1/2005 itasta090 (4): (mmmmmrar) come on, Eileen. This was perhaps the best piece of modern literature ever written. Perhaps.
09/1/2005 qualcomm: how is what reverso! did wrong? it looks like whatever author or guest is behind him never voted on this short before.
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: When you way "it looks like", what do you mean, exactly?
09/1/2005 qualcomm: that no one else has given this short such a bad rating. therefore, i suspect no double-voting.
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Your reasoning carries with it the assumption that someone double-voting would be unwilling or unable, for whatever reason, to vote differently from one vote to the other.
09/1/2005 qualcomm: unwilling, yes. unlikely. i do assume that. do you or the rid have a suspicion about who reverso! is?
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: The name pattern matches you, actually. But I'm going to say that it was Snow.
09/1/2005 qualcomm: it's someone who wants people to assume that it's i, or possibly, just wants to make fun of my alias naming traditions. but "reverso!" is such a mediocre qualcomm alias name.
09/1/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Not me, my little pony. All my fake users write shorts, and almost never vote. Just look at the guest page. I'm, like, five of the top 20 guests. I don't do gimmick users like F-ing Reverso. Asshole.
09/1/2005 Litcube: I hate fake users who don't write shorts. I hate fake users who vote. There. I said it.
09/1/2005 Litcube: They make me itch.
09/1/2005 Litcube (4): And good job, Rid. You've summoned more of yourself for this piece.
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: True, Snow, most of your fake users (except Captain Crunch and the other one we won't mention) pretty much write Snow shorts; which is why I'm surprised that you would log in here as Reverso just to two-star the Rid. I mean, it really doesn't seem like something you'd waste your time doing.
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: That's not completely fair. I think some of your best work was written as James K. Polk.
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Or, I guess I should say, some of my favorite work.
09/1/2005 Adolf Hitler: ugh
09/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Whatever, Hitler; I thought it was pretty good.
09/12/2005 qualcomm: great short, you cunt
09/12/2005 Dylan Danko (4.5): Good short. I disagree with QC about the breaking tone comment unless i've misunderstood. I love you all.