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Alone on the Internet, Richard Vomit strides out onto the homepage of Acme Shorts and spews a ridiculous stream of vitriol and nonsense for the enjoyment of the entire goddamned world or, alternatively, absolutely no one. Ahem. "Motherfucking jerkoffs of planet Murg! Hello, I am your captain and janitor and fluffer and waiter and brain surgeon, best friend and lover, murderer and cum dumpster, Richard A. Vomit. I am going to plumb your alimentary canal esophagus-first with my forearm, clearing a bloody path with my fist. In and out it will go, like a goddamned piledriver, and the meats in your mouths and neck will go SPLOOT! SPLOOT! SPLOOT! and the mouthcrap will fall on the floor and then! And then I will stand you on your head and plumb your alimentary canal with my forearm ANUS-first! And as it goes SPLOOT! this time you will make mouth noises like awugh and munggh and fluttt and shpish and guhmmff and your head lolls from one cheek to the other on the tiles of the bathroom floor. Probably, this will be happening in the bathroom because this is where a very high percentage of household accidents occur -- even though this is no accident. No, really, this is not about violence. This is about ACME'S FUCKING NADIR! But in fact, my dad saw a guy waste himself once by sneaking onto a construction site and plopping his head down on the PILE as the PILEDRIVER rose into the air and let it come down and GALLAGHERED his own fucking HEAD. JEEZUS. Can you imagine? Truth, he was Japanese and had failed out of correge! It was for HONOR. Yup. What else? I got nothin. fugg dis. I know another story about this guy who got up in front of the an auditorium in Scranton acuz there had been a murder in town and this kid was Indian or Pakistani, had the calculator and the fat belly and the pants and the dick-to-one side in his pants and was concerned for his well-being. and he was very, awkward and afraid to speak to a large audience and so he, wondering if he should purchase and cary a firearm as his parents (overseas) had suggested, asked those assembled: (please assume the proper accent) "Well, yes, of course, I am very concerned. And my parents wish to know if it would be wise for me to carry...to carry a...to carry a fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-WEAPON!" Anyway. I have a no-reason-boner right now.
Date Written: August 22, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4