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I'm going to try to write a short for tuesday.
Oh, Jesus. It was a dark day on the Acme Shorts website! Someone posted the line above, in good faith, as a placeholder, but then he dropped the ball!
Dylan Danko, dragging his butt to his chair, read the "short" and spluttered, uttering a Buttheadian "uhh" and one-starring it, folowed by, "Cunt."
Then -- Oh, Jesus -- the author made it even worse! He made it to his office, copied & pasted an old short of his (a short he penned under an ALIAS!) and put it in play! "Think of it as an historical short," he wrote!
Another late night at the law offices of Sandinski, Hathowell and Kent. Veronica Della Pesuto, Esq., 27, lean and serious, Ivy League, stood at her desk, bent over the heaps of redwelds, post-it flags and redacted defendant's exhibits, scanning the chron file. In the morning she'd take her first depostion. Martin Wheeling. Engineer, 66 years old, Ivy League, formerly in charge of solid waste reclamation and asbestos abatement consultation for a firm in the business of aiding chemical companies litigating under Superfund. The partner, Coleman, was a brittle son of a bitch and he'd be there every second scrutinizing her every word, jotting notes for the big Saliva Spray during the ride back in the Town Car. He'd be on the phone calling for velobound transcripts before they even got back. It'd be a heck of a day. And she was having trouble focusing. What a pain in the ass.
"Fuck it!" Veronica screamed, sweeping half the papers from her desk. "Fuck it hard!" She reached back madly, clawing for the ass of Keith Debron, extension 4122, the 22-year-old paralegal from California who was sliding his cock deeply into her from behind. She quit clawing, planted her palms on the oaken slab and shimmied backward as she ecstatically came against him. "Ohhhh Jesus motherfucking christ! Shangri La!!"
Keith released his load a second later and slumped against her back, which he admired for a moment. Damn. Maybe she'd been a swimmer in college? He lost the thought, cupped her breast absently and spun her toward him. She hiked her ass up onto the desk and smiled, and pushed him away.
Keith grinned like a kid and panted. He made quote marks with his fingers and giggled as he said, "Was that the information you requested?"
"Yes, thank you Keith." She paused, gathering her breath. "I do regret," then she made quote marks too, "keeping you up so long."
"It's my pleasure to help. I know...it must be hard for you."
"Well, thank you for coming."
They looked at each other a moment. "Keith, do you think that is all the information you have for me this evening?"
And on it went. It was this joke they had.
In conclusion, it was a very dark day on the Acme Shorts website.
Date Written: September 11, 2005Comments:
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 2.16667
09/13/2005 Will Disney: whoops!
09/13/2005 Dylan Danko: Man, do I lead a glossy life!
09/13/2005 anonymous: So, does a fella try to write something, or do we keep it as is?
09/13/2005 qualcomm: what a jackoff
09/13/2005 Dylan Danko (1): "...words have meanings, and so do deadlines, ass hole. This has the funk of bougeois [sic] torpor, the worst kind of all. I hope this one star is enough to keep you warm in the sterile, dessicated wasteland of your life;0"
09/13/2005 anonymous: Dylan. You haven't written a short since '98, you grumpy twat.
09/13/2005 Jon Matza: Who did this?? Who did this??
09/13/2005 anonymous: !!!!!!!
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: I'm going to try to write a comment and vote by 11am.
09/13/2005 qualcomm: and i will masturbate
09/13/2005 qualcomm: (with purell)
09/13/2005 anonymous: That's gross.
09/13/2005 The Rid: qualcomm, what is it with you and the nasty pics?
09/13/2005 anonymous: Also, where'd you pull that quote, Danko?
09/13/2005 anonymous: I guess it's from scoop.
09/13/2005 TheBuyer (5):
09/13/2005 TheBuyer: I can't take my eyes off it.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: What say you and I bump that gross mammal head picture off of the Daily Archive view?
09/13/2005 Eliza (): Leave me alone!
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Are you absolutely sure you want to be left alone?
09/13/2005 Eliza (): Do you really care if I am absolutely sure you want to be left alone?
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: If I understand you correctly, then I suppose I do care.
09/13/2005 Eliza (): I'm going to murder you.
09/13/2005 Dylan Danko: Author, that's a quote from Scoop flaming me for the same reason. Take your licks like a fucking man.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: You'd get in trouble, probably.
09/13/2005 Eliza (): You don't sound sure.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: I'm not.
09/13/2005 Eliza (): Why are we always talking about you?
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: What would you like to talk about?
09/13/2005 Eliza (): What is it that you really want to know?
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Why would you ask that question?
09/13/2005 Eliza (): What do I look like, a parking meter?
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
09/13/2005 Eliza (): Shall we discuss something else then?
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: The mammal head's about gone.
09/13/2005 Eliza (): I'm not sure I understand you fully.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: That's okay, isn't it?
09/13/2005 Eliza (): I'm going to murder you.
09/13/2005 anonymous: I do take my licks like a man, sir. Unlike you, who takes them in the vertical smile, giggling, clutching your little ankles, mewling, chewing your lips like a 16-year-old girl behind the backstop, while Ken Blanburg, the H.S. QB endlessly laps your vulva, pretty sure but not quite that it's your clitoris.
09/13/2005 Dylan Danko: IT IS MY CLITORIS!!! Damn you're good!
09/13/2005 Dylan Danko: Seriously, stop whining.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Dick Vomit's not whining, is he?
09/13/2005 Eliza (): Dick Vomit told me that he hates you.
09/13/2005 Klause Muppet (0.5): Any votes I had for this short have been wiped away from that deformed mammal picture. Please remove it.
09/13/2005 anonymous: No whining here, THOUGH I would say Klause's vote, based as it is on a comment photo, is a GRIEVOUS ERROR.
09/13/2005 anonymous: I have taken my revenge.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: The author sure leads a glossy life!
09/13/2005 Eliza (): Now, please clarify yourself.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: I...I don't know what that means. I'm sorry.
09/13/2005 Eliza (): Bit late for that, wouldn't you say?
09/13/2005 anonymous: Man, do I lead a glossy life!
09/13/2005 The Rid: Actually, Vomit, your solution to the "no short" problem ain't half bad.
09/13/2005 scoop: qc, did you really use purell, or were you just trying to show off?
09/13/2005 Klause Muppet: You shall pay for that "From Author"! You shall pay!
09/13/2005 anonymous: But I already paid, Herr Muppet. What you got...that was pay back. And what we got now? That's called even Steven.
09/13/2005 Mr. Pony: Here's a funny thing--I'm not sure I understand Klause's first comment. Was his vote really based on the photo, or the short?
09/14/2005 Klause Muppet: In all reality, my vote was based on the short but I was so disgusted by the picture that I mentioned it in my comment to be silly. I mean c'mon Dick Vomit, you "copied & pasted an old short"; how the hell did you think people would vote???
09/14/2005 TheBuyer: With fives.
09/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Pony, please don't encourage Dick Vomit's whining.
09/14/2005 Dick Vomit: WAR ! DEATH ! ANGER ! FILTH! PENNIES ! WOMBAT ! CHICKEN FOOT !
09/14/2005 Klause Muppet: Sorry, my fault. How did you think "SMART" people would vote?
09/14/2005 Klause Muppet: Oh, and... BOO-YA SANTA!