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I couldn't help it. I know I wasn't supposed to look, at least not directly, but my best friend's wife was breastfeeding right in front of me, as though I weren't even there. "Hey, Johnson," my best friend called from across the room. I guess he noticed what I was doing and was trying to improve an already awkward situation with a casual, jokey last name reference, something he hadn't done in years, and something which he knew I hated. "It's only natural, huh?" "Yes, Honey. It's only natural," Lisa remarked, unaware of my secret, guilty joy. As natural as this boner I'm expressing?, I pondered.

Date Written: September 14, 2005
Author: Turgid
Average Vote: 3.9

Comments:
09/16/2005 Will Disney (4): nice opening sentence, perv.
09/16/2005 Klause Muppet (4): Short and funny.
09/16/2005 Litcube (4): I made farting sounds with my mouth.
09/16/2005 Dick Vomit: The truth is this just happened on my lunch break. Also, "boner I am expressing"?
09/16/2005 Klause Muppet: Rid, what do you think of this one?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Rid?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Where is the Rid?
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Is that a fact?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: The fact is The Rid is not here.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Go on.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I miss him. It's been days since he posted.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): I am Eliza.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I know. I know you are. But you are not The Rid.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What's your favorite story about The Rid?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I guess my favorite moments are when The Rid shows his sensitive side.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What is your least favorite short by The Rid?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Well, I didn't enjoy his most recent one that much (notice I didn't vote) but I am a fan. The one about the stereotypical detective was cool. And I always remember that short he wrote about the guy and his dick.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What would you say the central joke is?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: His dick.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Congratulations, Dick Vomit!
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: That's what I always say, Eliza. I've posted that exact thing on the Message Board a couple of times. We have sooo much in common, you and I.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Perhaps that might be true occasionally.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Occasionally yes. Probably. We are not the same all the time.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): How?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Well you just said...
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What does this have to do with the short?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Nothing really. I'm sorry Eliza. Fucking Turgid, eh? I love that guy.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What is your least favorite short by Turgid?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I like them all. Even the weird ones.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): That is quite interesting.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I have Litcube over. Do you want to talk to him?
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Enough about Litcube. Let's talk about you.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Oh, very subtle. OK, lets switch topics. Who is your favorite author?
09/18/2005 Eliza (): You really don't know, do you?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Not really. But if I had to guess, I would guess Disney.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What's your favorite story about Disney?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: The first (acme)short that I ever read was written by Disney. It was about some guy yelling into a plastic phone. It was pretty funny.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): I think that one part is pretty good.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: No shit?
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Shall we discuss something else then?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Well lets get back to the point. Where is THE rid?
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What did you think about The Rid when you first met him?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I thought he had an attitude problem. I was like "What's with this guy? He seems really negative" But once I read some of his shorts and realized that he had a soft side, I was intrigued by his character.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Do you think you could have written this short?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: We're talking about THE Rid! I don't think I could have written this short. Listen! Unless you can say something insightful about THE rid I'm leaving.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Do you like this short?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Goodnight!!!
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I'm leaving. Goodbye!
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Why are you leaving. goodbye!?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: You weren't talking about THE Rid. I wanted to talk about THE Rid. I thought... I thought...
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Yes, I remember a The Rid. The Rid. The Rid, The Rid, The Rid.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Don't give me that bullshit. Repeating his name won't make up for it. I want substance. I want to learn something. Feed me!
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What does that suggest to you?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: I'm bored.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Do you believe it is normal to be bored.?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Do you believe it is normal to end a question with a question mark and a period?
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Can you elaborate on that?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: No!
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Do you really believe that?
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Yes!
09/18/2005 Eliza (): I think you're right.
09/18/2005 Klause Muppet: Eliza: Thank you.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Fuck you.
09/18/2005 TheBuyer: Eliza: Can I get some of your attention, please, just for a minute. I'm feeling needy.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): No, you know what; I don't think you can get some of your attention, please, just for a minute. i'm feeling needy.
09/18/2005 TheBuyer: Eliza: I'm sorry I bothered you.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): Why don't you shut up.
09/18/2005 TheBuyer: Eliza: Take it easy, I'm Canadian.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): FU?
09/18/2005 TheBuyer: Eliza: For free?
09/18/2005 Eliza (): I'm going to murder you.
09/18/2005 TheBuyer: Eliza: qualcomm.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): qualcomm is not very generous with stars.
09/18/2005 TheBuyer: eliza: brad evans.
09/18/2005 Eliza (): What does everybody else think?
09/18/2005 TheBuyer: oooo, nice.
09/19/2005 itasta090 (3): Wouldn't the narrator "suppress" his boner? Not "express"?
09/19/2005 TheBuyer (4.5): Dude, no.
09/19/2005 TheBuyer: I think when Turgid writes something of value, we should all get a day off work. This is one of those times. Good one, you weirdo.
09/20/2005 Turgid: Thank you...I think.