home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
An Allegory about Dave and the Block of Ice
Dave sat still on a gigantic block of ice sticking up out of the ground near a wedding reception. The cold seeped up through his anus and into the jambalaya which his guts had dutifully converted into shit. He sighed and lit another cigarette, water dripped into his shoes. He would have piles but he didn't care. Piles were real but weddings, he thought, were imagined. A thin contract between two people who had found someone they could safely resent for the rest of their lives and a two hundred dollar cake. Dave hated funerals too but for different reasons.
His wife found him dead the next day, the block of ice he'd been sitting on had contained a frozen sabre tooth tiger which had reanimated in the humid July night and eaten him. The poor tiger choked on a permanent label attached to Dave's shirt and died. It was pretty sad.
Date Written: September 17, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 2.25
09/20/2005 TheBuyer: Pretty shitty allegory, jack.
09/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Well, now; hang on a second. What does the sadness represent?
09/20/2005 Dick Vomit: Let's see some cruel voting, you fickle cunts.
09/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Why didn't you like this, Dick?
09/20/2005 Dick Vomit: We covered this. Everything makes me angry.
09/20/2005 qualcomm (2.5): 1st graf bad, 2nd good
09/20/2005 anonymous: That's just the kind of sanctimony this allegory is supposed to ellicit. Well done, hearty allegory, well done!
09/20/2005 Will Disney: It is sad because it'd be neat to see one of those tigers. Dude, they should do a Jurassic Park like that!
09/20/2005 Ewan Snow (2): Now this, however, does suck. And Disney, if they made a movie about bringing sabertooth tigers (and their contemporaries) back to life, it wouldn't be "Jurassic" now, would it? Use your brain! Jesus!
09/20/2005 Ewan Snow: Also, I don't think this is DV. The spelling of "sabRE" leads me to believe this short is an import from our hockey-playing enemies to the north. Or am I all wong about that?
09/20/2005 Ewan Snow: Also, also, it should have been a scimitartoothed cat, which everybody knows is cooler than a crummy sabertooth.
09/20/2005 Will Disney: Dude, I didn't mean a movie. I mean a real, f'ing park like that!
09/20/2005 Will Disney: That would be cool, all right?
09/20/2005 anonymous: Mesozoic Park, maybe?
09/20/2005 anonymous: Why would anyone pretend to be Canadian, that's just unnatural. Also, you completely missed the point of the allegory.
09/20/2005 anonymous: (Not to belabor this idiot point, but) "Pleistocene Park"