home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


In the universe in which I operate, which is pretty hard to penetrate -- I'm talking to you, Jimmy Wooster, if you're reading this -- I can't help but experience things without automatically pointing to a host of references, the act of which somehow validates my opinions. Waterworld, for example, is The Abyss directed by an erectile-dysfunctional Ridley Scott, had he years prior stolen the reins from younger (and inferior) brother Tony at the helm of Beverly Hills Cop II, but cast with a fitter and somehow rejuventated Richard Pryor, and developed a menacing underachiever complex. I can't help but find the output of John Singleton to come from the mind of the embittered yet periodically optimistic illegimate bastard son spawned from a Melvin Van Peebles and Wim Wenders Mexican prison rape encounter (were men able to give birth). Anyway, this habit of mine has started to rear its ugly head at the most inopportune times. Having just experienced a disenchanting tryst with Cassandra, the consummate slumming indie record store hottie, during which she kept yelling, "Seacrest, IN!" at the top of her lungs, which was utterly baffling to me (I later found out that she was a huge fan of the "new Dick Clark," or something to that effect, ironically enough. I don't own a television set.), I was faced with this question: "So, how would you describe our lovemaking?" I was at a loss for words. Cassandra had just pulled the anachronistic move of taking a puff from a freshly lit cigarette, post-coitus, while neatly tucking her breasts beneath my white sheets. "So? Would you say...passionate? Romantic? Extraordinary, perhaps?" I paused. Only two words came to me. They were inescapable -- a pseudo-adjective I feared uttering, but was unable to resist: "It was...state school."

Date Written: September 30, 2005
Author: Turgid
Average Vote:

10/4/2005 Klause Muppet: Author! Hey! How's it going? Great. Wow. So, what'cha been up to? Wow. Oh, just working. Great. I really liked the "I'm talking to you, Jimmy Wooster, if you're reading this" but after that it got kind of foggy. I will reread in the morning.
10/4/2005 qualcomm: author, i don't know why you went through the retarded gymnastics of the first five grafs to set up what could have been a decent joke on its own. everyone these days uses ironic modifiers like "state school," or at the very least, everyone is quite familiar with the practice. there's no need to explain or dissect the process/predilection, unless you have some interesting take on it, which this short doesn't give us. going into this lengthy explanation makes it seem like you think the narrator is doing something terribly original. (i don't think you believe that, but that is the impression the narrator gives.) this impression is exacerbated by the fact that, other than "state school," the narrator's references are boring and unoriginal. if i were you, i'd have started with something like, "Were Gregor forced to describe his lovemaking with Cassandra..." or something like that, and then expanded a bit from there.

ps, your use of "anachronistic" is a good example of your very particular way of just slightly misusing words. a cigarette after sex is cliche, sure, but anachronistic? eh, sort of, i guess.
10/4/2005 anonymous: Not particularly original, but the setup was funny (so I thought). Anachronistic in the world of cinema, which is obviously what the narrator has on the brain, at least according to his references. The narrator's seen this in older movies (like The Graduate, perhaps), and this "move," if not mined for jokes (I'm thinking of a bad, relatively recent SNL sketch where both man and woman climb out of bed with sheets still attached), isn't seen that often anymore. At least in combo with the cigarette. Usually/hopefully we get boobs now.
10/4/2005 Jon Matza: See, brother?
10/4/2005 anonymous: Boobs?