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The holy man stood motionless in the center of the market. He was a pelican at rest in a tidal estuary. The thronging crowd seemed to form around him, never brushing or otherwise molesting him in any way, although the crowd was boisterous.
Now and again a bird would come to perch on his straight brown shoulders. He would remain unchanged, like a statue of Vishnu reclining on a serpent. He was erect, although the appearance of calm was such that he appeared as the Pervader. Not a sound emanated from his lips, though a man would think he was possessed of the most profound speech. And not a quiver of movement emanated from his body, though a man would think he was the most graceful Cheetal Deer. As Vaishnavas view their deity, so does the passerby view our holy man.
He was naked, and his lithe, bronze body was unadorned, save for a string. One end of this string was tied around a large rock. The rest of the string was wound around his penis, which was long as the hair of Shiva, and utterly flaccid. To defeat the impure thought, one must first disable the agent of impure acts, he repeated to himself silently.
“Great Brahmin,” stammered a little boy over the crowd, who had summoned the courage to speak after watching the holy man for some time. “How does one reach such a state of purity? Shall I too tie a rock to my penis, and thus avoid the increments of reincarnation?”
After an eternity, the holy man looked down at the dark skinned boy, and finally spoke. “Get your own fucking trick you goddamned Dalit.”
Date Written: January 28, 2006Comments:
Author: William Asp
Average Vote: 3.66667
01/31/2006 qualcomm (3): pleasant enough -- the punchline wasn't worth all that buildup.
01/31/2006 Will Disney: Welcome to AcmeShorts!
01/31/2006 Dylan Danko (3.5):
01/31/2006 TertiaryWinesAreTheOnlyWinesForMe (4.5): Not since the emergence of Alfred P. Whitaker has Acme had a voice as creative and original as this guy's. I await the revelation of the author's name with no small trepidation.
02/1/2006 Mr. Pony (4): I agree that the windup could have been condensed, in keeping with what they do here. Still: Funny. Welcome: You!
02/1/2006 qualcomm: oo, pony four. sorry, author. sorry.
02/1/2006 William Asp: qualcomm's rating was fair for him. But do I expand the language or compress it? I have punchline not worth the buildup, which means the buildup was at least quasi-effective; I have good style; and I have compress. I do not think qualcomm meant compress. Mr Pony's pity-fuck felt good tho.
02/1/2006 William Asp: you are such a pussy
02/1/2006 William Asp: why?
02/1/2006 William Asp: you always need "guidance" - it's like you can't think for yoruself. You're like "Oo I'm getting different kinds of feedback, I can't take it. Mmmm, "pity fuck" - you really fucking liked that didn;t you bitch. I mean, GOD.
02/1/2006 William Asp: You screwed up your punctuation there - the speech marks.
02/1/2006 William Asp: That's the best you can fucking do?
02/1/2006 William Asp: We'll be having words later
02/1/2006 William Asp: What, you gonna do your fucking "VENTATION" bullshit again? You're a frickin wordsmith. "Ooo look, I'm making up new words. I must be fuckin Shakespeare."
02/1/2006 William Asp: You hurt my feelings
02/1/2006 William Asp: Welcome to real world, lady
02/1/2006 William Asp: you missed out "the"
02/2/2006 scoop: Who are you talking to dude?
02/2/2006 Mr. Pony: It is interesting to note that both qualcomm's vote and my vote are valid because they represent our feelings.
02/2/2006 scoop: I remember when I used to feel...
02/2/2006 Litcube (4):
02/2/2006 scoop (3): The whole thing has a certain Hamiltonian bloated majesty about it. But quite enjoyable for a first effort and hope to see more from this author in the future.
02/2/2006 William Asp: I would have gone more with a fizzling-out Madisonian ending, but thanks!