home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


We were in class when the head-master came in, followed by a "new fellow," not wearing the school uniform, and a school servant carrying a large desk. Those who had been asleep woke up, and every one rose as if just surprised at his work. The head-master made a sign to us to sit down. Then, turning to the class-master, he said to him in a low voice-- "Monsieur Roger, here is a pupil whom I recommend to your care; he'll be in the second. If his work and conduct are satisfactory, he will go into one of the upper classes, as becomes his age." The "new fellow," standing in the corner behind the door so that he could hardly be seen, was a country lad of about fifteen, and taller than any of us. His hair was cut square on his forehead like a village chorister's; he looked reliable, but very ill at ease. Although he was not broad-shouldered, his short school jacket of green cloth with black buttons must have been tight about the arm-holes, and showed at the opening of the cuffs red wrists accustomed to being bare. His legs, in blue stockings, looked out from beneath yellow trousers, drawn tight by braces, He wore stout, ill-cleaned, hob-nailed boots. We began repeating the lesson. He listened with all his ears, as attentive as if at a sermon, not daring even to cross his legs or lean on his elbow; and when at two o'clock the bell rang, the master was obliged to tell him to fall into line with the rest of us. When we came back to work, we were in the habit of throwing our caps on the ground so as to have our hands more free; we used from the door to toss them under the form, so that they hit against the wall and made a lot of dust: it was "the thing." But, whether he had not noticed the trick, or did not dare to attempt it, the "new fellow," was still holding his cap on his knees even after prayers were over. It was one of those head-gears of composite order, in which we can find traces of the bearskin, shako, billycock hat, sealskin cap, and cotton night-cap; one of those poor things, in fine, whose dumb ugliness has depths of expression, like an imbecile's face. Oval, stiffened with whalebone, it began with three round knobs; then came in succession lozenges of velvet and rabbit-skin separated by a red band; after that a sort of bag that ended in a cardboard polygon covered with complicated braiding, from which hung, at the end of a long thin cord, small twisted gold threads in the manner of a tassel. The cap was new; its peak shone. "Rise," said the master. TO BE CONTINUED ...

Date Written: January 01, 2007
Author: blow-up
Average Vote: 3

01/9/2007 Will Disney (5): It's really too bad you missed the hey-day of the site!
01/10/2007 Will Disney: i don't know where that 1.5 come from. i'm fixing it!
01/11/2007 qualcomm (2): oh, will. has lack of activity really made you so hungry?
01/11/2007 blow-up: Any refreshment is welcome in a parched landscape of Korngolds scratching their fat, hairy cunts. Qualcomm, I like your stuff a lot and think you've been one of the most consistently funny guys on AcmeShorts. Still, it's been about a year since you've posted something that's more than just mildly amusing (although you seem to be pretty prolific when it comes to dumping on garage bands). Instead of taking 15 seconds to piss on my short, why not take 15 minutes to write something which eclipses it? Would it help if I insulted your honor and challenged you to a duel?
01/12/2007 qualcomm: probably not. after writing over 200 of these things, i'm all burnt out, but that fact doesn't make your shorts funny, or even funnier than 'korngold.'
01/12/2007 blow-up: That's too bad, qualcomm. I was hoping that by being a jerk I could bait you into participating more. Guess not. Then let me say that I like what you've written, and leave it at that. It's unfortunate you're burnt out. Unfortunate for me, because I've found a community of like-minded people all too late.

Sorry my shorts don't do it for you. I laugh at them, at least, which is important because I seem to be the only one hanging around this ghost town these days.
01/12/2007 qualcomm: that's a good point, but you're also amusing that idiot disney and that cretin master bates.
01/12/2007 blow-up: Being caustic is okay, I suppose, as long as you're putting it to creative use (like in "Everyone just cut the shit"). Are you doing something else in your life now, qc, or do you just sit around hating things? I'm curious if you still write. Or if you are Ian Brady.
01/12/2007 qualcomm: oh yeah, 'everyone just cut the shit.' wow. what a great, great short. i'm the best.
01/12/2007 blow-up: My point wasn't that you were the best -- it was that one must sublimate his anger in creative manners. I, for example, just opened a bag of tortilla chips that tasted like Cap'n Crunch. Whose brilliant idea was it to dump a sack of sugar in these things? Fuckers. However, on closer inspection, the "Banderos" chip company is actually based in Offenburg, Germany. So I have no one to blame but myself for my own poor, uninformed consumerism. Also the fucking Krauts for being so embarrassed about their "peinliche Geschichte" that they prefer exporting slipshod versions of other cultures rather than their own. But who am I kidding? Nobody wants soggy knödel and soggier Wim Wenders anyway. See my point? By the way, on closer inspection, you suck.
01/12/2007 qualcomm: but even if your point weren't that i'm the best, i am still the best, right?
01/12/2007 blow-up: Yes, you are. In fact, your bestness has inspired me to write the following short. Enjoy!

"With the self-assurance of a young Rocco Siffredi, Qualcomm rested back on his laurels and caressed his pudgy, faggish belly. That ego-stroking he had given himself had got him all the way up to semi-chub. Oh, it was gonna be ON tonight. Probably."
01/12/2007 qualcomm: my belly is not faggish!
01/12/2007 blow-up: Yes it is, silly. Just look how the paunch protrudes from your waistcoat:

01/16/2007 scoop: Man, I sure do miss those epic intellectual showdowns between QC and B-U. Those things were like a Rush song but with two dudes instead of music.
01/16/2007 scoop (2): As for this short, alas, it does nothing to make my limp, wrinkled frog's leg twitch in the least. A corny joke constructed with joyless language. But I do appreciate the action.
01/16/2007 Mr. Pony: I can't believe someone was able to get such a rise out of qualcomm. Who IS this blow-up character? qualcomm seemed genuinely upset!
01/16/2007 Litcube: I would like to give 4.5 stars for the picture. Blow-up, I am giving 4.5 stars for the picture.
01/17/2007 blow-up: I've always admired qualcomm's shorts, and the other night I found myself lucky enough to be online with him at the same time. I honestly didn't care about him panning my short (as you've noted, it's built around a goofy joke), but I was hoping I could spur him to write more. As I said below, I'm a bit sad that I missed out on the Acme heyday. I also tried to engage qc in a normal conversation at some point, but all he wanted to do was talk about how great he was. That was kind of disappointing.

Anyway, I'm glad to see that all of you guys still swing by from time to time. After a burst of writing I did a couple of weeks back, I sort of lost interest due to the lack of movement on the site. Are you guys still writing / illustrating? If anyone is interested in resuscitating Acme (even if only for a couple of months, for shits and giggles), I'm in. As my ante, I'm posting another short today. What about it?
01/17/2007 blow-up: I just posted a new short on the Instant Shorts page. Like the Guest Shorts page, that entire territory now belongs to me. Soon I will drag down all of Valhalla with me in flames!


01/17/2007 qualcomm: i just want to talk about how great i am. can we get back to that, please?
01/17/2007 Mr. Pony: It pleases me greatly to know that we have blow-up to thank for anything qualcomm writes from here on out!
01/17/2007 scoop: You have to give credit too, Pony, to qualcomm's good nature coming back on the site like a good soldier after B-U got the best of him the way she did.
01/17/2007 blow-up: Forget it, qualcomm. Now that he's here, I'm gonna tell Mr. Pony how great HE is. Hey Pony, the first short I read here that made me realize that you guys were something different was "Dan was fifty thousand feet tall, and could fit inside a regular-sized thimble." I laughed till I cried. And when I showed it to some friends, they were like, "This doesn't make any sense." So I was like, "Yeah, so go back to your fucking Jerry Bruckheimer movies you philistines." So they were like, "No, I think we're gonna go circle-jerk in a field somewhere." So I think I won that argument. So anyway, your stuff is great!

Scoop: despite being kind of a sissy (though we prefer the word "aesthete"), I am definitely a heterosexual man. Hence "he" not "she."

I see that there are two pending shorts in the queue. Cheers to whoever had the balls to step up to the plate once again!
01/21/2007 TheBuyer: I cry at the end of Armageddon. Every fucking time. Also when I make fuck. Both times.
01/21/2007 blow-up: Yeah, TheBuyer, I remember that. Harold and I were so thrilled to find that old gypsy hooker that would take all three of us on for sixty bucks, and there you were bawling on the bean-bag chair afterwards. The poor lady thought it was something she had done LOL! But with some distance now, I'm sure you can look back and have fun watching the video, right? Me and Harold were thinking about ordering buffalo wings with ranch dip for the private showing among friends next week. You in?
01/21/2007 TheBuyer: Ya sure, sounds good. Some will have to pick me up because I have no idea who you people are.
01/22/2007 blow-up: You're not Fred "the Virgin Vandal"? Sorry, I got you confused with another TheBuyer on the Christian swingers forum.