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[warning: this short is longer than 500 words. it really drags on and on. the author should have edited it. or probably just saved it for his "private file." apart from the jay-leno-esque bin laden yuks, it also derives its "humor" from jokes about geeky action-figure collectors *groan*. really, are you sure you want to read it? this is your last warning ...] [okay, one more warning. honestly, this is your last chance. this short really sucks. i mean it. if i could reach through the internet and gouge out your eyes to stop you from reading it, i would. but i can't, whatever ...] Osama Bin Laden was hopping mad, literally. The guy was bounding from leg to leg, jabbing each unusually long, lanky arm in the air, shouting a phleghmy cacophony of poison-laced threats, insults, curses, jihads and the like at Pfc. Lance Johnson who he was chasing around the table. Bin Laden would lurch one way, but then slink in the opposite reaction, an Arab interpretation of what Pfc. Johnson would later describe as a “juke.” “Allah Aq-bar!” “Osama, dude, chill out. I said I was sorry.” For the last five months, Pfc. Johnson had been responsible for shepherding Bin Laden from hideout to hideout in anticipation of his public arrest announcement the week before the election. Predictably, all the moving around without warning led to a lot of fights, large and small. But man. This latest one was serious. Pfc. Johnson had opened a trunk full of Bin Laden’s Star Wars action figures. Not the latest generation either. The real deal. Luke. Hans. Chewy. Everyone. Even the Bith aliens who played in the band in the cantina. Bin Laden had kept those action figures NIB (New in Box) since the early 80s, and to see some flunky American undo a lifetimes work was too much to bear. When he walked in on Pfc. Johnson sitting on the floor surrounded by haphazardly torn boxes like an impatient child on Christmas morning it sent him in to a fury. This must be, Bin Laden thought, what it was like to discover mom had trashed your comic book collection, or that dad stacked your mint Beatles LPs out by the curb for the garbage men ... Later that night… Bin Laden held his Wedge Antilles character and said in a high-pitched voice: “[We need to take the fortress for the good of the Rebellion.]” Osama really loved Wedge. [...and it just keeps going on like that for a while.] Author: scoop

Date Written: January 20, 2007
Author: blow-up
Average Vote: 2.75

01/21/2007 Master Bates (4.5): yoiks! what's the number?
01/23/2007 blow-up: (317) 881-0449. Hurry. I'm soooo hungry.
01/24/2007 scoop (1): Hey! This is a load of fucking horse shit! If you're going to do some send up of comedy writing you have to meet an even higher standard of funniness. This is not funny. It's a chore.
01/24/2007 blow-up: Okay, Scoop! Next time I'll write something extra-funny for the passive audience at home!