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I awoke to the sight of Lancon’s pockmarked jaw perched inches from my face. His visage was twisted into a sadistic leer and the stink of his hot breath settled over me like viscous, custardy fart. Clearly he’d been waiting for my eyes to open: His fist crashed into my cock like a duffel bag of anvils.
“You want to give me a hand job, use some grease,” I said. Insult was the trick with Lancon, as sensitive a guy as they come. “Run your hands through your fairy hairdo, that should do it.” From the corner of my eye I saw his leather-jacketed dirtball of a sidekick suppress a snigger. Lancon went red as a lobster. He tore a switchblade from his pocket and jammed it into my left eyeball.
“Oo, Swiss Army? Didn’t know you were a scout. Who gets the foot end of the sleeping bag when you and the Fonz here 69 each other?”
It didn’t go over too good. A chainsaw fired up & soon the top half of my skull hung by a flap of skin.
“Take a look inside, guy. See that gray stuff? It’s brain. Have a long look. B-R-A-I-N. Brain.”
“Shut up you—ya f-f-fucking—” he stammered.
“Word of advice if you’re gonna stutter, Lancon: Binaca. Your breath smells like Chinatown.” I wriggled out of my ropes and felled him with the heavy iron Eiffel Tower statuette I’d stashed behind the sofa. The Fonz made a run for it, leather jacket and all. “Remember me to Don Remo,” I suggested pleasantly as I fired six shots into his skull. I turned my attention back to Lancon and within a minute had him trussed up, gagged and hanging over the railing. He gaped up at me like a flounder.
It was time for a little informal info gathering session. Then again why hurry? I had plenty of time to rub it in a little. Savor the moment, that’s my philosophy.
“You always had the wits of a wooden shovel, Lancon, but I wouldn’t expect even you'd be that sloppy." With relish I held up the athletic cup, glass eye and fake skull that’d saved me from injury. "You forgot rule number one: always check to make sure you’ve finished the gig.”
“Rule number two…”
Shit, what WAS rule number two??????????????
Date Written: December 11, 2007
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.57143
Comments:
12/12/2007 qualcomm (5):
12/12/2007 qualcomm: either snow's pulling a matza or matza's pulling a snow
12/12/2007 Will Disney (5):
12/12/2007 Litcube: Not that I'm oblivious as to the merits of this five star short (it's totally obvious), but I'm just curious why you two awarded thusly. Again, I totally know why, I just want to hear you say it. Just because I'm curious what you think.
12/12/2007 qualcomm: this short has a lot of problems, i'll grant you that. it coulda been more elegantly written and shit. but i like its particular type of mean spiritedness, i like that it references the semi-obscure cliche of tough-guy-hero-mocking-villain's-attempts-to-torture-him, and last but not least lancon. that said, i was very close to giving it a 4.5, but it's the season of giving, and anyway, acme doesn't have half-star votes.
12/12/2007 qualcomm: also, broderbund first graf.
12/12/2007 Litcube: There are some jewels, even five star jewels, and the whole premise is neat, like you say. I just don't know if it's a jewel encrusted 5 star premise.
Also,
“Take a look inside, guy. See that gray stuff? It’s brain. Have a long look. B-R-A-I-N. Brain.”
This line might have made me screw up my face a little.
12/12/2007 Mr. Pony (4.5): I was all set to give this short a four, but then I decided to give it a four-point-five instead. You hear that, Author? I decided. That's right. Me. Mr. Pony. Hi.
12/13/2007 qualcomm: oh, look, litcube. your hero wrote this. and see how you insulted him.
12/14/2007 Litcube: Look, dude. I totally knew why you gave this short 5 jewel encrusted stars. I was just asking your opinion, is all. I totally knew it. I even said it. So I'm immune. Know who else is immune?
Jon Matza. He is immune to insults.
12/14/2007 Litcube: I didn't mean to say "look". "Look" is very condescending, and I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.
12/15/2007 qualcomm: barack obama says "look" and "listen" a lot.
12/16/2007 Ewan Snow (5): Hi everyone! Uh, Matza, even though I'm a little disappointed in you for ripping off my Matza impression shtick, I can see some fresh Snowbanks (not just Snowdrifts!) in this one and will gladly pull that white blanket up over my head and, iglooed, count the flakes: *****
12/19/2007 Dylan Danko (4): Enjoyed this but the last line/gag detracted.
12/19/2007 Mr. Pony: Isn't that what it was supposed to do?
12/21/2007 Dylan Danko: detract?
12/26/2007 Mr. Pony: Well, yes. Although I guess I mean ""detract"".
12/27/2007 Joseph Keith (3.5): love the muted hostility...
been a while since i read stuff on Acme....glad i did...thx
01/30/2008 Dylan Danko: this is better the second time around
02/7/2008 qualcomm: no, it's better the first time.
03/18/2009 scoop (5): The narrator of this short had quite the Facebook update, I bet, after this encounter.
03/18/2009 scoop: The narrator of this short had quite the Facebook update, I bet, after this encounter.
03/18/2009 scoop: The narrator of this short had quite the Facebook update, I bet, after this encounter.