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Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others Are Those We Most Fear In Ourselves was ‘roided up, oil slathered from pec to glute and heading into Fit For Life Gym one day when who do you suppose should come strutting out, radiating volleys of electrostatic sexual frisson and smelling of coconut conditioner? Gee…only the majestic ultra-fox Cindy Shapelythighs is all! Resplendent in stretchy pink sweatpants & belly-baring tank top…ponytail and boobies bouncing like zany miniature kangaroos with every step…oh mannn! Oh mannn!

Skillfully producing a raging boner in his spandex bike shorts, Often…Ourselves pointed at it with a giant We’re #1 foam finger he kept handy for such encounters.

“Hey baby, meet Dongzilla. Is that thing huge or what?! Down, boy! Say the word I’m’a split you open like a piggy bank, make egg foo yong on your titties, know what I mean?”

She knew all right. Her eyes were 8-balls and her little red mouth was an o. She was totally responding. Things kept going like this he’d be waist-deep in pussy juice in about two fucking seconds…

Then of all the fucked up shit who comes strolling up but With Great Freedom Comes Great Responsibility. With the cunning instincts of the jackal WGFCGR sensed the horny wetness brimming up in Cindy’s nether frills (which Our Hero had practically killed himself to elicit)—and purloined it! Long story short, before you could blink thrice the impostor was rubbing his ding-ding on Cindy’s soft belly & blasting gob after gob of stringy bollock béchamel on her face. Adding insult to injury he swiveled and fired the last few strands all over Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others Are Those We Most Fear In Ourselves’ Reebok bag. Then he flipped them off, tossed a handful of stale Milk Duds on the sidewalk and peeled away on his scooter, guffawing triumphantly!

An agonizing pause followed as Cindy and Often-etc slowly made eye contact, cheeks redder than tenderloin tartare!

Yet who among us can predict—or account for—the vagaries of the human sexual response? Turns out being publicly violated in this manner had filled our young Romeo and Juliet with groin-tingling, knee-trembling, shame-sodden fucklust! Triumph was thusly snatched from the jaws of defeat as the pair began breeding like a new strain of ultra-horny bacteria. I’m talking sweaty, red-hot, no-holds-barred fuck-frenzy, reader. Right there on the sidewalk! No condom, obviously…bona fide rod-on-rug cheese-grating. That’s not all, either, brother. There was over-the-shoulder eye contact, polydigital orifice infiltration, authoritarian asscipline, whimpering, toe-curling cum quadrilaterals...even German kissing! Make no mistake, friend: this was the Mar-a-Lago of fucks.

Incidentally, reader, Cindy was a post-op transsexual. Ergo, you’re reading gay porn; ergo you yourself are a shrieking, prancing homosexual. The good news is nowadays you and your type needn’t be ashamed, conceal your “leanings”, etc., thanks to society’s increasing acceptance of same-sex tendencies (Ellen, the legalization of gay marriage, etc). On the contrary, you may as well read this story a few more times…and chug some choad while you’re at it!!!! Mmmmm! Mmmmmm! Slurp! Slurpy slurp!!! Glug glug glug!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Date Written: May 12, 2008
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 5

Comments:
06/2/2008 qualcomm: ten bucks says fence guy wrote this
06/2/2008 Will Disney: No condom, obviously
06/2/2008 qualcomm (5): the milk dud line pushed this over the top for me.
06/2/2008 qualcomm: what were some other people's favorite lines?
06/3/2008 Mr. Pony (5): I enjoyed how the author planted both his bare feet flat on the desk, on either side of the keyboard as he typed this.
06/5/2008 Litcube (5): Rad. Last paragraph. "Ergo, you’re reading gay porn; ergo you yourself are a shrieking, prancing homosexual." Also, I like how the logic is flawless.
06/5/2008 Mr. Pony: Oh, shit, I didn't get that far.
06/5/2008 Litcube: Didn't figure Jon Matza was worth the time, Mr. Pony?
06/5/2008 Litcube: Jon Matza.
06/23/2008 qualcomm: eliza: Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others Are Those We Most Fear In Ourselves.
06/23/2008 Eliza (): That's what she said.
06/27/2008 Ewan Snow (5): Often, but not always!
07/14/2008 Dick Vomit (5): That’s not all, either, brother. There was over-the-shoulder eye contact, polydigital orifice infiltration, authoritarian asscipline, whimpering, toe-curling cum quadrilaterals...even German kissing
07/22/2008 qualcomm: eliza: whom farted?
07/22/2008 Eliza (): What do I look like, a parking meter?
08/22/2008 scoop (5): Hey brother, does that guy With Great Freedom Comes Great Responsibility carry those stale Milk Duds around for just such an occasion the way Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others Are Those We Most Fear In Ourselves keeps the foam finger around? Because if he does then I think perhaps the two characters may have more in common than even you, author, realized! There is a teeming universe of ETCs. unexplored by this epic piece of work. What I'm saying is fan fiction. We could promote it, probably, on our sister site, amceshorts.com.
07/19/2013 Jon Matza: Last paragraph takes on even greater significance in the wake of DOMA's repeal...