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Losing My Mind by Rod Drake Dr. Geneva said, ďLetís just see what makes you tick.Ē A harmless enough statement, a kind of joke. Something most people would smile at hearing. But being as I am an android, with my skull plate now removed and this vengeful scientist, rival to the very one, the sainted Dr. Clive, who created me, hovering over me with sharp, sinister tools, Iím not laughing. My programming would allow for it though. Did I mention that I am the most sophisticated robot ever assembled, as close to being human as synthetic DNA will allow? In fact, Iím more closely related to a human than a chimpanzee is. Strapped down in this rather dingy lab, it seems that Dr. Geneva intends to take me apart, piece by piece, like some sort of complex watch, to see how all my parts fit together and work, please pardon the pun, like clockwork. I am also fully programmed for humor, sarcasm, irony, cynicism, satire and biting wit. I have been told that I quite clever. So as Dr. Geneva begins his dissection, I wonder if I am sophisticated enough, human enough as it were, as the most advanced android on earth (I have been programmed for pride and self-worth as well) to feel . . . pain? And what does pain actually feel like? I guess I will find out in another micro-second or two. My, that instrument crackling to electric life over my brain looks very sharp.

Date Written: April 14, 2009
Author: Rod Drake
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Comments:
04/16/2009 qualcomm: i think physical pain would be much easier to program than humor, sarcasm, irony, cynicism, satire, and biting wit.
04/16/2009 Will Disney: What does Dr. Geneva look like?
04/16/2009 scoop: I don't know qualcomm. The Chinese are capable of feeling pain but lack any understanding of humor, sarcasm, irony, cynicism, satire or biting wit.
04/16/2009 qualcomm: well, that's what i'm saying. pain is the simplest of the set.
04/16/2009 Mr. Pony: I don't know, guys. I think it depends on the programmer. Eliza, for example, can feel all sorts of pain. Its attempts at wit often fall flat, however. The only other A.I. on the site, Brad Evans, (or "Phony Millions"; as it took to calling itself) is plenty funny, but numb as a numb thing on numb day.
04/16/2009 Mr. Pony: I don't know, guys. I think it depends on the programmer. Eliza, for example, can feel all sorts of pain. Its attempts at wit often fall flat, however. The only other A.I. on the site, Brad Evans, (or "Phony Millions"; as it took to calling itself) is plenty funny, but numb as a numb thing on numb day.
04/16/2009 Mr. Pony: Oh, good, the double-posting thing still works.
05/1/2009 TheBuyer: Is that "inside jokes" thing a play on the android surgery or are there references in this short that only a replicant would get? Have Dr. Geneva and Dr. Clive fucked? Are they also robots? Is the robot shiny?
05/1/2009 Litcube: This is an inside joke that Rod Drake is sharing with all of his friends on Acmeshorts.
07/24/2009 Yahzick: Did anyone else notice that he said, "I have been told that I quite clever"?