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"You're not the captain of this tennis team yet, Cantrell!" Coach Dillon yelled.

"No," snorted Justin, "But I am the best."

He picked up his carbon composite Dunlop and put it in its case. Then he flicked up the collar on his Pink Izod shirt and stalked off the court.

There was too much fabric softener in his boxers and it was irritating his crotch.

From his judging tower, Coach Dillon could see Cantrell in the high school parking lot, unlocking his moderately impressive Toyota MR-2. Cantrell squealed out of the lot.

Later, in his basement room, he lit up a "J". He was watching TV on the couch underneath a cheap blanket. You could see its too-hot polyester filling through the splitting seams.

It was the eighties, and everything stank.

"Suck this whole mother down," he murmured to the joint while flicking through channels.

On television, Heather Locklear was dressed in a baby blue vinyl jumpsuit that looked like it would make things start to smell. Cantrell pressed the play button on his VCR's remote and watched ABC's touching after school special about teen homosexuality, "The Truth About Alex".

"Doesn't mean I'm gay or anything like that," Cantrell murmured.

Good and stoned, he though about his irritated crotch, the baby blue jumpsuit, and his MR-2.

An idea about odorlessness presented itself to him, but he turned away.

Date Written: April 24, 2002
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.7

Comments:
04/24/2002 anonymous (5):
04/24/2002 anonymous (2):
04/24/2002 anonymous (5):
10/22/2003 Phony Millions (5): this one should not be overlooked. I come back to this one a lot; Feldspar really nailed the whole oderless thing here.
04/8/2004 Jon Matza (5): Last line.
04/29/2004 Dick Vomit: Infinite Jest ripoff, twat.
04/29/2004 Ewan Snow: Infinite Jest sucks and The Lerpa didn't read it in any case.
04/29/2004 Ewan Snow (5): "Suck this whole mother down," he murmured to the joint while flicking through channels.
04/29/2004 qualcomm: yes, infinite jest does suck, vomit. and yes, i never read it. so i guess i'm as good a writer as DFW in your eyes. worship me!
04/29/2004 qualcomm: let me amend that: i read the first page of IJ and knew instantly i was reading a classic piece of shit, so i put it down.
04/29/2004 qualcomm: incidentally, i'm curious: what does this thing have in common with IJ?
04/29/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I think the eighties, and the part where everything stinks.
04/29/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Of course I only read Broom of the System, so cha cha cha. Oh sorry BotS.
04/29/2004 qualcomm: DFW addresses the stinkiness of the eighties? He ripped me off!
04/29/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Of that there is no question. Oh wait, I mean OTTINQ.
04/29/2004 Ewan Snow: If that's true, it's pretty funny. Lerpa and Brad Evans have been talking about 80's odor/odorlessness since at least the early nineties. I think IJ was written mid to late 90's.
04/29/2004 qualcomm: and he copied me too by going to teach at Pomona after i already graduated from that scene.
06/14/2004 scoop (5): The fourht sentnece would be studied in great detail in English class.
11/17/2004 TREE (5): I think I can smell that room
11/17/2004 Dylan Danko (5): I think DV meant the tennis thing as well as the 80's thing though I don't see it. I wanna know more about the odor(less) thing.
11/17/2004 Mr. Joshua (5): More, please.
11/17/2004 qualcomm: here's a little variation on the theme
05/2/2005 TheBuyer: I've got Sultans Of Swing in my head now, something about duvets and basements. Maybe I'll put on GnR instead.
10/3/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: I don't get the whole odor/odorless thing. I'm prepared to 3 this.