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Egg Jenny reached into her panties and pulled out another handful of warm egg salad. Uncharacteristically, she gobbled her eggs down without even bothering to salt them. Boy, she must be nervous about this job interview!
Just then, her name was called. (Talk about bad timing...!) Quickly she licked her hands clean and wiped them on her pantsuit. Taking a deep breath, she entered the boardroom, conscious to do so in her most prim, ladylike manner.
Now, I should mention that Egg Jenny's giant wool underpants were being mended, so she'd had to wear her tighter red ones this week. Consequently she'd had to make use of her "natural spaces" for extra egg storage.
I suppose the astute reader has already surmised what happened next. The pre-interview snack had of course created a vacuum in Egg Jenny's drawers. Result: a portion of the egg salad was sucked out of her vagina--right as she walked in, as luck would have it--and into her now less-full panties, causing a squelching, fart-like sound to reverberate through the room. Even worse, Fate chose that moment to dislodge a series of hissing burps from the depths of her intestines--whereupon the air soon became redolent of this morning's salami-and-cream-cheese omelet. Traces of tuna fish were also undeniably present.
Egg Jenny's shoulders began to shake uncontrollably.
Date Written: August 08, 2003Comments:
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.6
08/8/2003 Will Disney (5): laugh out loud opening sentence, paragraph.
08/8/2003 John Slogam (3): I feel for egg jenny, this has happened to me!
02/19/2004 scoop (5): There is an unrelenting consistency of egg-gut-slurping-wet-innardy language that is ovewrwhelming and exceptionally stomach churning. Bravo. Bravo indeed.
04/20/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Yuck! And just who is this John Slogam? Am I right in suspecting that he's been here with us all along, like the little bastards in our mitochondria?
04/20/2004 Jon Matza: Mitochondria? Are you talking about the ATP-producing "powerhouse of the cell"?
04/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Ha!
04/20/2004 Ewan Snow (5): Somehow I don't think I ever read this. It's funny as hell. So, does she get the job or what? (SloGAM is an imposter and a cheat!)
04/20/2004 Mr. Pony: That I am, Mr. Matza! Mitochondria have their own DNA, entirely separate from the regular nuclear DNA that contains the blueprints for our bodies! This mitochondrial DNA is exclusively maternally inherited, and furthermore, provides instructions only for replicating the host mitochondrion, along with few scattered proteins! This has led some of the more "bold" individuals in the scientific community to suggest that our mitochondria were once a parasitic organism, which, over time, became symbiotic! With us!
04/20/2004 Jon Matza: Two words, gentlemen: Krebs Cycle. ATP, anyone, much?
04/20/2004 Mr. Pony: Hang your adenosine triphosphate, man! Aren't you listening? There are BUGS in your CELLS from your MOTHER! But you, sir, shall not pass them on! Yours will DIE with you! But your sisters and your wives and your concubines--They are the true steeds of mtDNA! The men of Earth are THROWAWAY! Does anyone else smell ozone?
04/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Not ozone, no. Jarlsberg.
04/20/2004 Mr. Pony: Yaaaaaaah!
04/20/2004 Dylan Danko: Finally!
06/1/2004 John Slocum (5): Pony: I don't know who that preposterous John Slogam character is, but his name is terrible. Nevertheless, I suspect him of being me. If so, I'm not sure why he gave this short 3 stars as it's clearly 5 star material. It's possible he did it by accident as the internet was new to him back then. I could be wrong. Danko is now going to help me make up for the 3 star rating by rating this 5 stars himself. Hop to it Danko, or no more wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!
06/1/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Fuck! Sorry it took me so long. Haven't read the short yet.
06/2/2004 TheBuyer (5): [pumping fist] EGGS!
12/10/2004 Dick Vomit (5): Reading this made me feel ill and very uncomfortable. I'm still grimacing. You suck.
12/10/2004 qualcomm (3): i rather dislike this. asshole.
12/10/2004 Jon Matza: What are some of your other likes and dislikes, QC? I like movies and italian food.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: that's why you're a foul-smelling, fat fuck.
12/10/2004 TREE: so Matza is the duck?
12/10/2004 Jon Matza: QC: I hate to totally annihilate you, but you smelt it you dealt it.