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Jim sat back at his desk, as he did every morning, with his robe open and his quickly-hardening cock in his hand. This is not obscene, he mused suddenly, and the tempting thought nearly tore him from his reverie; he tamped the impulse down.

With spit-slickened hand he stroked his manhood, now almost a deep purplish in parts, sense-tinglingly engorged with wine-dark blood. Girlishly he teased around the ridge of his cockhead, sending still-early electrostatic shimmies of delight down his spine. Tenderly he traced the outline of his long-vanished, un-longed-for foreskin Ė scythed not by some Hebraic shaman but by a nameless and faceless hospital worker whose identity was lost to time. For Jim, though his cockhead glistened proudly, unadorned with such continental foppery as a foreskin, was a product of Protestant America. As was his Art.

His Art.

No, dammit, not yet.

Focusing once more on the task at hand (Jim, though head thrown back and mouth open in delight, smiled slightly at this piquant witticism), he stroked his shaft more vigorously. Quickly his left hand moved over the veins and bulges, the outer layer of skin, alive with bristling nerve-endings of flame, moving slickly over the inner cockmeat. This is not obscene, the thought returned, unbidden, and this time, he could not look away.

Suddenly he was transported, away from his home office, away from his artistís desk. This is not obscene. And suddenly he is Zeus, fathering mighty Perseus on sleeping Danae, coming upon her as a shower of gold. He is Sigmund, fathering Siegfried on his sister-self, creating the consciousness of a race that will threaten to destroy the world. He is Bacchus, being torn apart in an orgiastic frenzy of his own making, an explosion of mind and soul and self and cum and blood and spit and bile, exploding, exploding in one last desperate act of creating his ArtÖ

With a mighty cry born deep within his chest, Jim came furiously, spurt after spurt arcing out of his pulsing cock, landing in small opalescent puddles on his drawing desk. And he knew.

He knew, as he wiped up the quickly-cooling ejaculate with his finger, bringing it to his lips and carefully licking clean. He knew that on this day, he would not be writing jokes about Mondays.

He would be writing jokes about lasagna.

Date Written: August 17, 2003
Author: Joe Frankenstone
Average Vote: 3.33333

Comments:
08/17/2003 anonymous (5):
08/17/2003 anonymous (1):
08/17/2003 Will Disney (5): a-mazing
08/19/2003 Jon Matza (2): I'm sorry, but what's wrong with you people? I find the fact that 3 people gave this 5 stars even more discouraging than the short, which was a chore to get through and badly written. So what if it's "literary" in tone and a lot of time was obviously spent on it? That doesn't make it good. It's choking with adjectives and the author seems to think adding endless graphic details is the same as wit. What's the use of participating in this if people are such sloppy readers? I'm not joking. I'm fed up enough not to make this anonymous even though it's sure to start a feud and result in my shorts getting bad scores. Fuck it.
08/19/2003 Will Disney: i disagree, matza! there's a big joke in this one that comes out at the end that is very much underscored by the fancy-schmancy tone...
08/19/2003 Joe Frankenstone: Matza, here's something: I bet there's not a single person out there who has ever had a single emotional reaction to any of your assload of shorts, full of cheap and easy surreality as they are. Your crazy, sincere, self-destructive, flamebaiting comments make clear that, simply from an Andy Kaufmanesque perspective, I am completely kicking your ass. I have taken the liberty of rating each of your shorts 5 stars. Keep up the good work!
08/19/2003 Jon Matza: To the short-writing community: the "ass-kicking" Mr. Frankenstone gave me here was painful but instructive, and his giving all my shorts five stars was an astonishing piece of surrealism that made me see I'll never realize my ambition of being like my idol Andy Kaufman. I apologize for my easy surrealism and in the future will make it my goal to inspire emotional reactions in all my readers (not just in Mr. Frankenstone).
08/20/2003 Joe Frankenstone: Keep up the good work!
08/21/2003 Will Disney: all right, enough already.
08/21/2003 Will Disney: i think many readers and not getting the joke of this short
08/21/2003 anonymous: Why don't you explain it to us, Disney?
08/22/2003 Will Disney: it's jim davis, you knuckleheads
08/22/2003 Ewan Snow (3): I know you guys have been waiting for me to weigh in to tell you the correct answer to your argument, so I will keep you waiting no further.

1)In my opinion (i.e. objectively), the short does not deserve five stars.

2)Mr. Matzaís analysis is more or less accurate. The weaknesses he describes can be found to varying degrees in the short. I think the main problem, however, is that it just takes much too long to get to the punch line.

3)Many, many shorts do not have the rating they deserve.

4)Mr. Matzaís concern over the integrity and accuracy of ratings is misplaced. It just doesnít matter that much, especially for guest shorts, which everyone knows are second-class citizens. I really thought there was a certain amount of irony in Mr. Matzaís comment until he said that he wasnít joking. Not joking? Well why the hell not? Though he has some valid points, Mr. Matza is taking the whole thing too seriously.

5)Everyone writes some bad shorts. I sure have. Mr. Finklestoneís real problem is not that this one is so bad, but that he has only written two shorts total.

6)All in all, Iím glad Mr. Matza ripped into this short, just cuz itís added a little drama. I encourage people to be meaner, both on AcmeShorts and in their daily lives.

7)Mr. Feldspar has been discussing the idea of offering hands-on short-short writing seminars. Perhaps Mr. Finklestone should consider registering. Perhaps Mr. Matza should contribute to the curriculum.
08/25/2003 Lenny (4): Look, Joe Frankenstone wrote the short as a deliberate vehicle for the punch line. Rather than saying "Jim Davis sucks" he created a rather amusing world in which the likes of Zeus, Bacchus and Sigmund are evoked and compared to the crappy jokes of Jim Davis "ex post facto" through comprehension of the "joke". Is it "High" art? No. Is it the literary equivalent of "Citizen Kane"? No. It's not supposed to be, you nitwits. Perhaps it's a bit masturbatory in its own right w/ the Miller-esque cross-references. But then, screw it, because it's at least consistent within its own theme: A self-abusing, creative piece about the act of self-abuse facilitating the creation of a comic that should have been retired 10 years ago. Enjoy it for what it is and stop being so damn uppity. Oh....and Ewan Snow, since you wrote this:
< 6)All in all, Iím glad Mr. Matza ripped into this short...I encourage people to be meaner, both on AcmeShorts and in their daily lives.
> Then I need to point out THIS about your review:
< 1)In my opinion (i.e. objectively), the short does not deserve five stars.
> That is an example of a SUBJECTIVE criterion. Objective things transcend perception. You are giving an opinion that is highly subjective. Get it right you idiot. At least youíre getting what you wished for. Now everyone should be happy.
08/25/2003 Ewan Snow: Lenny. You are a retard. I was using making a joke by saying "objectively."
08/25/2003 Ewan Snow: make that "making a joke"...
08/26/2003 Lenny: Well if you're "joking" then we should both be laughing, huh? I AM laughing, but only at your worser English than mine is. I mean, c'mon, if you're going to try to flame me then just proofread or something, okay? Learn how to type, learn some grammar, and THEN maybe your jokes will be funny. 'Till then, don't quit your day job.
08/26/2003 Ewan Snow: I canít resist adding more because Lennyís comments are so moronic, far worse than the short short itself, which, really, wasnít half bad.

>Look, Joe Frankenstone wrote the short as a deliberate vehicle for the punch line.

No shit. 90% of shorts are a deliberate vehicle for a punch line. Thatís what theyíre supposed to be as you would know if you had read any at all. The problem was the setup was too long and not quite funny enough. This isnít a major problem and I wouldnít have even voted on it probably. Lotís of short shorts have the same problem. I was just interested cuz it got Matza so pissed.
08/26/2003 Ewan Snow: >Rather than saying "Jim Davis sucks" he created a rather amusing world in which the likes of Zeus, Bacchus and Sigmund are evoked and compared to the crappy jokes of Jim Davis "ex post facto" through comprehension of the "joke".

UmÖ I donít know where to begin. Did you think that anybody was suggesting that ďJim Davis sucksĒ would have made a better short? Have you ever read a short? Frankenstoneís short was not out of the tradition, and nobody had any trouble understanding what he was going for. Why donít you create a rather amusing ditch and go die in it?
08/26/2003 Ewan Snow: >Is it "High" art? No. Is it the literary equivalent of "Citizen Kane"? No. It's not supposed to be, you nitwits.

Huh? What makes you think that anybody is looking for high art? Do you seriously think that was anybodyís expectation? Have you read the short-shorts on Acme? You really are a retard and you assumptions make me embarrassed for you.

>Perhaps it's a bit masturbatory in its own right w/ the Miller-esque cross-references.

Fuck you, douchebag.

>But then, screw it, because it's at least consistent within its own theme: A self-abusing, creative piece about the act of self-abuse facilitating the creation of a comic that should have been retired 10 years ago.
08/26/2003 Ewan Snow: >But then, screw it, because it's at least consistent within its own theme: A self-abusing, creative piece about the act of self-abuse facilitating the creation of a comic that should have been retired 10 years ago.

No need to comment on this one. But then again, why not: youíre a douchebag.

>That is an example of a SUBJECTIVE criterion. Objective things transcend perception. You are giving an opinion that is highly subjective. Get it right you idiot.

Hence, the joke, dickhead. Do you have any sense of irony? Just because you are an idiot, donít assume I am.

All in all you win the prize for stupidest comment ever and are in contention for biggest asswipe overall. My only conclusion is that you must somehow be Lenny from either: a) Of Mice and Men, or b) Laverne & Shirley.

08/26/2003 Ewan Snow: Retard (Lenny), please read these comments in order, that is, from the bottom up. Be sure to take your time and pause periodically to mop the drool off your keyboard.
08/29/2003 Mr. Pony: I think that maybe the comments should be listed in with the earliest ones first, and the newest comments at the bottom. This is a delicious thread, but it sure is hard to follow.
08/30/2003 Will Disney: you may be right, pony. i'll have to give that some thought...
09/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Actually, I think what I said back then about comment order applies exclusively to this short! I think it's all the line breaks and quoting!
12/13/2004 TheBuyer: I'm marking this Latest Controversy as a reminder of what really good, one side dominant e-fighting looks like. Included is a small sample.

8/25/2003 10:27:53 PM - Ewan Snow: Lenny. You are a retard.


03/18/2009 Ewan Snow: Well, Lenny? What do you have to say for yourself?
03/19/2009 Mr. Pony: I'm back on the fence about comment order.
03/19/2009 qualcomm: eliza: hey, remember frankenstone?
03/19/2009 Eliza (): Who?
03/19/2009 qualcomm: eliza: a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! that was a good--ha ha ha ha ha!!
03/19/2009 Eliza (): I am Eliza.
03/20/2009 qualcomm: eliza: reboot!
03/20/2009 Eliza (): I don't think that's true.