home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
Little Johnny McMillan stood above the toilet gazing lovingly at his turd. It coiled round the inside of the bowl four times in one long unbroken log. At every inch, the color and composition subtly changed like a doughy brown rainbow. And oh, the stench. A delicious bouquet tickling his olfactory glands like a dandelion ‘neath his chin.
He so desperately wanted to share his marvel with the world.
Quickly, he returned to his classroom frantic to bring Ms. Watkins back to the bathroom to see his achievement. Surely this would secure him his third gold star.
After several desperate, vague pleas, Johnny was on his way back with Ms. Watkins in tow. He tugged ferociously on her skirt in an effort to hasten their passage fearing that every moment away from his creation increased the likelihood it would disappear from existence.
But just as this unlikely duo flung open the door to the “Little Boy’s Room”, Johnny’s greatest fears were realized: Big Sammy Hesser was cutting his creation to pieces with a blue plastic ruler.
Johnny flung himself upon Sammy with all his might in an effort to cease the desecration of his handiwork. But it was all for naught. In the struggle, Sammy had depressed the toilet handle.
The water became a russet whirlpool of despair sucking Johnny’s hopes and dreams of respect and admiration down the drain.
As Johnny attempted to exact his revenge upon Sammy for his atrocity, Ms. Watkins lifted him into her arms and carried him to the principal’s office.
That day, Johnny resolved to never defecate again, and he kept that promise till he shit his pants in the middle of the night.
And this crap was even more magnificent that the first. But Johnny had learned his lesson; the world wasn’t ready for his giant chocolate miracles.
So Johnny nestled his cheek next to his four-foot poo, and dreamt sweat dreams of an auburn future.
Date Written: October 21, 2003
Average Vote: 4.25