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                    "Healing Hospital"


                                                FADE IN: 


A BLACK MAN who kinda looks like a gang member (maybe we
could get Ice Cube or Ludacris or Kool Moe Dee for this
sweep episode) falls down in the ER really drunk and vomits
blood on the floor then starts to shake and stuff.  CARTER
totally walks in all in his doctor clothes and is like...

          What's with this sick guy?

And KOVACH totally hears Carter because he's like...

          He looks really sick so

And he totally cuts open his throat and saves him, but
before that ABBY walks up to Carter and they fight: (This
happens before the saving.)

          You don't pay attention to my
          brother and mom who have this
          problem where they get all crazy.

                (is all like)
          Well I'm rich but I'm a doctor
          anyway even though my dad...
                (did you know the dad
                 is the dad from
                 Family Ties, Mike
                 Grosser or
                 something?  I think
                 that's his name.  So
                 weird that he's
                 playing a dad here
          ...and Gamma don't want me to be.

                                                 CUT TO:


WEAVER comes walking down the hall, and her cane's going
CLACK CLACK CLACK on the floor so everyone knows she coming
and because she's a lesbian she's really pissed because she
hasn't gotten any cock since that dude from Highlander
porked her in Season 2 or 3.

                                                 CUT TO:


So Weaver totally criple-walks into the waiting area and
sees Kovach working on Snoop Dogg or Eminem's throat and
totally starts to wave around her cane angrily.  Seeing her
do this - along with the CLACK CLACK CLACK noise - will
help viewers who have never seen the show understand that
she is handicapped (aka exposition).  So she starts

                (the actress should
                 be really angry
          Hey!  This is a healing hospital! 
          It's not Croatia or a mental
          hospital or a rich dad's house...
                (you know it's really
                 interesting how
                 Mitchell Gross was a
                 hippie dad on
                 "Family Ties" but
                 here he plays a rich
                 dad.  I think we
                 should have him walk
                 around in the
                 background at some
          ...so get to work and make sure
          you clear the board!

And Weaver holds up her cane and points it at the board to
show the doctors (and the viewers) that she means that
board.  It also reminds us that she is a cripple.
SUDDENLY a CAR comes CRASHING into the ER and totally hits
all the DOCTORS!  So now the DOCTORS are the PATIENTS!

                                            SMASH CUT TO:


(If I was a viewer, I'd totally be freaking out right now.)

Date Written: January 02, 2004
Author: Dolemite
Average Vote: 4.65385

01/6/2004 Texxx (5): Wow. I can see you've been reading too many scripts. Sweet.
01/6/2004 Will Disney (5): a tour de force
01/6/2004 Ewan Snow (4): This is so true. Those F-ing screenwrites are such asswipes!
01/6/2004 Jon Matza (5): Nice job on the stage directions and parentheticals.
01/6/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): That was funny as hell. Not funny like ha-ha but funny like That's funny, because I thought you said you were at Marty's on Tuesday.
01/6/2004 Dolemite: Damn. I blew my proverbial load too soon with this one. I should have submitted my "Fraggle Rock" spec sample first.
01/6/2004 Texxx: There's nothing proverbial about your l*ad.
01/6/2004 Dolemite: Tell me about it. Of all the days to run out of Shout Wipes...
01/7/2004 Will Disney: that comment by maniacs is pretty damn funny too, actually.
01/7/2004 Dolemite: Can someone clue me in on Maniacs' comment? What's he talkin' 'bout Disney?
01/8/2004 Will Disney: sure - no problem. benjaminmaniacs is making a subtle meta-joke here. his first sentence is an actual complement. the rest is a kind of a meta-language joke. he's playing off the multiple meanings of the word 'funny' and specifically, the habit of people saying 'funny ha-ha' to describe 'funny' when it means "amusing". your short, in reality, is funny ha-ha. now, a simple joke that someone could make about your short would be to say, "oh it's funny, but not funny ha-ha, funny strange." this would be kind of stupid but passable on a site like this. maniacs is taking this medium joke to a slightly higher level by saying that your short is not funny ha-ha, but in fact, a third kind of funny, which is the funny that means "not completely credible", as in "funny, you said you'd never been to this male strip club, and yet you know all the dancer's names." so that's what it is - a complement plus a decent joke about a stupid joke - but nothing to do with your short. i hope this clears things up.
01/8/2004 Captain Crunch: I think I saw this episode!!! Is it from the first season? The show went downhil ever since Joge Cloony quit!!! ;)
01/8/2004 Texxx: Who's Marty?
01/8/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Didn't Weaver fuck an african guy at some point?
01/8/2004 Dolemite: Weaver's vagina did indeed feel the throb of an African cock before she realized that her cold, harsh demeanor was better suited to V-on-V action.
01/18/2004 Joseph Keith: i hate that chick!!!
02/13/2004 Noah Simple (5): Your best short. And maybe the best episode of ER ever.
02/20/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Man, I love this thing. Also love Disney's explanation below. But the vote is for the short.
05/20/2004 TheBuyer (4): TV makes you stupdi.
07/6/2004 ElTwisto (5):
01/20/2005 Litcube (5): Holy fuck!
02/28/2007 Master Bates (5): Whoop! Whoop!
08/18/2010 Marvin_Bernstein (2.5): and you said I was stupid?