home authors guest shorts graphical shorts

AcmeShorts

A Cancer Story
(read in the voice of Jean Shephard, narrator of the 1983 film, 'A Christmas Story')

The old man was withered and wasted. On the night table sat a cornucopia of pills, potions, elixirs and balms. Muscle relaxants, emetics, barbituates, stool softeners, stool hardeners (chuckle).

He lay there and pondered the irony -- all his life he had wanted an adjustable bed, and this is how he finally got his wish: in the terminal ward at Western Lutheran Hospital's oncology unit (chuckle). A massive tangle of tubes and wires ran from his body to a bank of supercomputers. It measured his heart rate, his brain waves, the number of times per second he blinked, even how the volume of his vomit. It was all my mother and I could do to keep from laughing at his predicament (chuckle).

The nurse arrived before lunch with his chemotherapy injections. Oh, how he loathed those injections! He'd grumble for days about them, how they made him so nauseous he wanted to die (chuckle). Well, the nurse wasn't having any of that. She rolled the old man over, yanked down his drawers, and jabbed a needle the size of the Eiffel tower right up his wazoo!

Well, he never was a spiritual man, but the old man found religion in that ward room. He prayed to all the gods that ever were -- Jesus, Yahweh, Buddha, the Dalai Llama! But it was no good, he lost more weight than my mother ever did on that crazy grapefruit diet (chuckle), and he died in pain.

Date Written: January 17, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 3.2857

Comments:
01/22/2004 anonymous (2):
01/22/2004 Will Disney (4): a promising title - and when imagined to be read by the 'christmas story' narrator, a good short. what about the guy from the 'wonder years' ? it'd be funny if he was reading it too. also, there's a vomit-related typo.
01/22/2004 Joseph Keith: Me like. Good. Very very.
01/22/2004 scoop (3): It's compotent, and an effective use language for the narrator's voice, except maybe for the wazoo part. And the last line is righteous. But it's too damn coherent. The whole thing makes too much sense for its own good.
01/22/2004 qualcomm: competent. asshole.
01/22/2004 qualcomm: yeah, i actually agree with you, scoop. what the fuck were you thinking, disney? 4 stars?! asshole.
01/22/2004 Moe-Ron (4): I like it.
01/22/2004 qualcomm: now i find myself agreeing with moe-ron. i just don't know how to feel!
01/22/2004 Moe-Ron: Rest assured, whatever feeling you settle on, its right because their feelings. And feelings are always right. Because they're feelings.
01/22/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): I think Feldspar's shorter shorts are less unsuccessful.
01/22/2004 qualcomm: yeah, this sucks
01/23/2004 Mr. Pony (4): No, no, Feldspar--this short is very good!
05/25/2004 TheBuyer (3): i agree with the Lerpa