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What trouble! Dylwan Matzpar had pissed himself again. In his sleep. But no matter - an exciting day awaited.
His good buddies had left him, just yesterday, with a copy of the latest Tijuana Bible they had constructed out of papier mache.
But mind you, this was no ordinary Tijuana Bible. How crude! This was a book of words, one by which Matzpar could become consumed, and, more importantly, aroused.
Matzpar slowly pulled the book from between his toes, where it had been lodged - a quite charming hiding place.
"Dylwan! Dylwan?" His mother called from downstairs. Breakfast already? He was definitely, definitely, definitely moving out this month. Definitely.
Just then, he caught a glimpse of his profile in the mirror. The slight hunchback that had burdened him all his life was beginning to disappear, comparatively speaking, in relation to a developing paunch that heretofore caused nothing but anxiety. But today...was a new day. Somehow his looks provided a feeling of dignity. This was new, and quite exciting. And certainly his compadres would agree.
Dylwan was smart. He knew that based on the rave reviews of his friends. Each succeeding book of his making had induced in them a quicker orgasm than the one before.
I know what you're thinking - but don't be so skeptical. They timed it.
In preparation for reading the latest installment from his good pals Feldsko and Snowt, as was his wont, Dylwan took the unlit corncob pipe from his desk and began working it into his rectum.
As he gently dislodged the pipe, he accidentally grazed his crotch with the tip of his elbow, creating an altogether different but similarly interesting sensation.
And thus, Dear Reader(s), literary history was made. Today would be a 2 story day.
Date Written: January 20, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 2
01/26/2004 Jon Matza: No one can bring themselves to touch this one, eh? (snicker)
01/26/2004 Joe Frankenstone: Come on, even Dillweed should realize that describing Acme Shorts as a Tijuana Bible made of words is pretty fucking funny. Funny why? Because it's true.
01/26/2004 Lenny (4): Perhaps I would understand this a bit more if I knew what a "Tijuana Bible" is.
Then again....maybe not.
Still, the words "pipe", "ass", and "bingo" ARE pretty funny when used in the same sentence. I'm sure your parents would be pleased. Good job. :)
01/27/2004 Joe Frankenstone: Salon on Tijuana Bibles
01/27/2004 qualcomm: i won't vote on this, since giving it a bad rating would clearly illustrate my inability to take a joke of which i am partly the butt, and not my actual feelings about a great short. but i will say i found the narrative to be tediously meandering and the jokes flat. thanks for introducing me to tijuana bible.
01/27/2004 Ewan Snow (1): Matza's right. I didn't want to touch this one. But given the other comments, I will. It's terrible. However, Texxx, with geniuses like Lenny on your side, you're sure to succeed.
01/27/2004 Benny Maniacs (2): Cookie. Jerking off onto.
01/28/2004 Lenny: I dunno...I re-read it and I'm still laughing. I think the reason is b/c in my head it reads a lot like Captain Beefheart songs sound (specifically "Pena"). For that reason I guess it makes sense why others don't find it as funny as I do. And c'mon, lighten up, guys...why so negative? Where are those "thick skins" you've all been championing? Ewan, didn't you write about cliches in a comment a little while ago? You're so predictable. To quote me: "Whatever".
01/28/2004 Lenny: Hhmmm...apparently I have a doppelganger. Sorry for that. It's time he went back in his cage. See - you give an inch, and they take a mile.
01/28/2004 Dylan Danko: You stole the "dear readers" thing from me.
01/28/2004 Will Disney: Yeah and you stole it from William Makepeace Thackeray.
01/28/2004 annebot (1): I give this one a great big technicolor yawn.