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It was the retarded honeymoon. They sat on the edge of the hotel kingsized in their ill-fitting wedding costumes, faces pressed together, tongues lolling around one another like fat leeches writhing under salt.
They had promised her parents to wait until this very special evening to consummate their union. And being good feebs, they had not only kept their promise, but had gone so far as to refrain from venturing even beyond 'first base.'
So when Eugenia's talc-dusted bosom began heaving in anticipation, her little moans punctuating every kiss, Geoffrey couldn't contain himself. He placed his clammy paws upon both mammae, gently at first. When she responded with the irrestible gaze of a retarded doe in heat, he began mauling them in earnest.
"Oh, Yefffwee," she cooed.
"Oh, Uhgeeeneea," he said back.
There was movement in his lap. It was getting tight.
"Somethings wong," he said.
"What is it, Yeffwee?"
"Something's in my pants!"
Yeffwee stood up. There was something in his pants.
"Oh, Yeffwee, what is it, what is it?!"
He unzipped his fly.
"AAaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!!" screamed Eugenia.
"Auuuugh!" screamed Geoffrey. "Fix it! Fix it! You have to fix it!"
Date Written: January 28, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3.7692
02/5/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Now that was funny.
02/5/2004 Ewan Snow: I like how it starts, "It was the."
02/5/2004 Will Disney (4): very good. lot's of a nice detail work, such as geoffrey's pronunciation of his wife's name. but wouldn't this guy have had a boner sometime before? like when watching a porno or something?
02/5/2004 Texxx (3): Yeah. If the guy crapped his pants, then that might be a first. I like 'talc-dusted.' Not quite 4, not quite 3.
02/5/2004 anonymous: no. no boner before.
02/5/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): Yes, quite 4. In fact, practically 5! The ending wasn't quite the punchline I was hoping for. I agree with Ewan that the first line's a winner. I think we should all strive for such brilliance in first lines.
02/5/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I love those goofy bastards.
02/5/2004 Dolemite (4): This reminds me of the time I competed in the Special Olympics. I got mad play that year.
02/5/2004 Craig Lewis (3): I wish the short had ended with the five star-worthy first sentence. I'm not convinced that the writing redeemed what is, when you get right down to it, a pretty hack scenario: retardos fumbling through sex, Geoffrey's got a boner and he doesn't know what it is, har har har. I did enjoy "being good feebs," though.
02/5/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I'm giving it a 4 for the use of feebs alone. Then I will run for cover lest I get sprayed with Matza spittle.
02/5/2004 anonymous: lewis, i resent your assertion that retards are hack material. my brother is a retard. and so are my parents. and so are all of my colleagues at acmeshorts. all of you!
02/5/2004 anonymous: fuckin retards
02/5/2004 Jon Matza: No, I thought it was funny, too. Could've got five stars off me, in fact, except for the last line.
02/5/2004 Jon Matza (4): I forgot to vote there. My apologies to the acme community.
02/5/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, lewis is crazy. Retards are funny. Period.
02/5/2004 scoop: My retarded sister was raped on her wedding night so I've always been a little "touchy" about mentally disadvantaged humor. She wasn't a virgin, but whatever. Rape is a terrible thing.
02/5/2004 Dylan Danko: Stop maligning the humor, Scoop.
02/5/2004 scoop (3): whatever Danko. This humor maligns itself. Its a well-written retard joke. Woo-fucking-hoo. Look. The retards. They're fucking. Sweet feebs line, but it lacks any subtext that makes it anything more than a sophisticated dirty joke.
02/5/2004 Dylan Danko: I think what Danko was so adroitly pointing out was the fact that you called the humor mentally disadvantaged.
02/5/2004 scoop: Perhaps, scoop should not have gauchely mixed his modifiers. The humor is not mentally disadvantaged. Just my raped sister.
02/5/2004 Dylan Danko: Dude, that wasn't me who just said that. What the fuck!
02/5/2004 scoop: Oh my God!!! This isn't me either!!!
02/5/2004 Will Disney: uhhh - is there a technical glitch here or are you guys just being retards? so to speak...
02/5/2004 anonymous: Disney, is that really you? How can we be sure now?
02/6/2004 anonymous (4): Feldspar, I'm crushed you confirmed first boner ever. I thought for sure that, you know, being retarded, George suffered this same terror with each new erection. PANTSNAKE! PANTSNAKE!!! [punches own dick]. This comment is anonymous, but I'm here to tell you I'm Dick Vomit. CURVEBALL, YOU FUCKS. 4.
02/7/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): I'm with scoop, but hope my well written retard joke gets higher pointage.
03/21/2004 annebot (5): I like your spunk. muahahahhaa!
06/3/2004 TheBuyer (4): no one in heaven but babies and retards.