home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Way back in 1943, my uncle, Frank O. Meyer, began baking cookies for the neighborhood kids. "Come on, gang, gather 'round," he'd say, "and get a load of this!" Uncle Frank also had a tendency to be mean and forceful, especially when trying to teach us kids life's most important lessons. I guess he felt bad that my father wasn't around. So he'd invite me over and tell me to watch as he "sweetly pumped" various girls of ill-repute. He'd also warn me about the evils of self-gratification, and yet the times I remember waiting for him outside the bathroom door, I heard a lot of strange noises coming from inside. Uncle Frank continued baking cookies, and shortly after his early demise, a local businessman stumbled upon Uncle Frank's recipes and decided to bring his cookies to a wider audience. This month marks our 61st year of baking excellence. We hope you enjoy Otis Spunkmeyer­­™­ - a little bit of goodness in every bite!

Ingredients: Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated Flour, Salt, Water, Egg Yolks, Spunkture™, Flax Seed Oil, Chocolate.

Date Written: February 07, 2004
Author: Texxx
Average Vote: 3.5

02/17/2004 qualcomm (4): maybe i'm stupid, but the punchline made me giggle.
02/17/2004 Texxx (4): God bless Uncle Frank, that selfless bastard.
02/17/2004 senator (5): A very refreshing short. What a nice little twist.
02/17/2004 Jon Matza (3): Sorry to be the bad guy once again, but I must express my dismay and disappointment with the acme community for shoddy reading and insist that everyone except me is wrong. This strikes me as a useful example of a short with a strong premise and a few semi-funny moments, but clumsy in overall execution. Some problems/unanswered questions follow. Dear author: please, please, please understand that I’m not asking the questions because I want to know the answer. I assure you that I don’t. The point is that you have betrayed me by making me wonder in the first place.
1. Is Frank Meyer Otis Spunkmeyer? If so, why the name change? If Otis is the O of his middle name, why isn't he just Uncle Otis in the first place? And would “spunk” really be added to his last name just because it’s an ingredient? No, friends, it would not. Even if Otis is the narrator who's followed in his Uncle’s footsteps, the surname problem remains.
2. If Uncle F feels bad about the missing father, why would he be “mean and forceful”?
3. Even if I buy that Frank regularly pumps "girls of ill-repute" (this phrase is a minus) AND masturbates in the bathroom and into his cookie dough, why are the girls worth mentioning? They add nothing.
4. Why does the narrator "wait" for his uncle outside the bathroom door? Are they going to the park? Just having him overhear the noises would accomplish the same function and be less implausible.
5. Why is the trademark symbol worth including? The distraction outweighs any dubious irony/wackiness value this may have.BR> To sum up: Pointless details aren't funny just because they're pointless. Good shorts don't force the reader to sort through/ignore so much extraneous matter to get to the funny bits. In reality I think this is closer to a 2, but I have a soft spot for your desire to discredit the Spunkmeyer brand.
02/17/2004 Craig Lewis: To Matza's admirable catalogue of queries I would simply add: are we to infer that Frank O. Meyer himself used the phrase "sweetly pumped" to descibe his bathroom sexploits? This is not a plausible Meyerian inflection (or a Spunkmeyer­­ian one).
02/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (2): I started to respond to this earlier, before everyone chimed in, and then was distracted.... I agree with you, Matza. This, too, has only one real joke. However, unlike the infantilized short, it's too long for that joke to really work. And, actually, it's not all that surprising. It's an interesting premise, but I just didn't find it all that funny. The voice doesn't seem quite right either. I assume it's mimicking the "Newman's Own" label, right? It's a bit labored. That is, it's trying to do too much plot work. Anyway, 'nuff said, right?
02/17/2004 Noah Simple: I agree with many of your points, mr. matza, but I do think if the author is going to write this (as he seems to have done), the "TM" was sort of necessary, if not the joke itself. And there's some degree of humor to doing so as well, but perhaps not as funny as if someone here had randomly decided to trademark their own spunkture. I may do so in fact. Watch out ladies.
02/17/2004 qualcomm: i can't disagree with much of the malignance levied against this piece. but i didn't see "spunkmeyer" "coming" and i shoulda -- that always just tickles me! jimson, i think it's mimicking the literature on the back of actual otis spunkmeyer packaging.
02/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Oh, yeah. Huh. I forgot there was a real product.
02/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Anyway, it's the same kind of schtick, kind of like the commercials for Matza's favorite beverage, Nantucket Nectars.
02/17/2004 qualcomm: look, this spunkmeyer jagoff has gotten a free pass from the borscht belt since day one. it's about time someone fixed his wagon.